I close out of the website, breathing hard as my eyes land on my dick, now so hard it’s impossible to deny I was turned on by what I just watched. I was obviously turned on by a guy who looks like Briar.
Maybe...I let my thoughts form. Maybe I’m missing out. I remember a girl who wanted some butt play, begging me to let her finger my ass, but I wasn’t feeling her enough to go there with her. There’s only one way to satisfy this curiosity.
I open my nightstand and pull out the lube, pouring some onto my fingers, thinking about what I’m about to do. Dude in the video was on his hands and knees fingering himself, so I get into the same position. As I touch my fingers to my hole with the intention of entering rather than just a quick brush in the shower, I feel my whole body tense like I’m about to jump out of a plane. Which is dumb. Unlike jumping out of a plane, I can stop if I don’t like it. I think the problem I’m having is not what if I don’t like it, but what if I do.
After a deep exhale, I push the tip of my finger inside, breaching a place that for thirty-four years of my life has been hands off. As I push deeper, it burns, so I stop, but after a second, I push a little more. Once my finger is in, the burn subsides. It’s a strange feeling, but not unpleasant. I move it a little, testing the sensation, and finding it…cool.
Closing my eyes, with my face and shoulders pressed to the mattress, I stroke my dick with one hand and finger fuck myself with the other. I let my mind wander back to the video with the tattooed guy pounding the glasses guy. I remember how the glasses guy’s dick bounced between them, how the veins popped in the arms of tattooed guy as he worked the other guy over. I remember the moans, the begging, the sheer manliness of it all. I remember the man in the chair, dressed in a suit, licking cum off the other guy’s face.
And then it happens. My body tenses as the knot that was building in my stomach unravels, sending me falling as if I had jumped from a plane, floating on the waves of my orgasm as cum spills from my dick and slides down my hand, my finger buried deep inside my ass. When it finally subsides, I remove my finger and relax against the mattress completely spent.
As rational thinking pushes itself through the fog of my orgasm, I’m left stunned. I don’t know what to make of what I just experienced. Instead of processing it like I probably should, I jump out of bed and head straight to the shower, refusing to think about what this all means. Getting myself off to some gay porn doesn’t mean shit.
And if that’s not the biggest lie I’ve told myself, I don’t know what is.
The next afternoon, my phone rings and I pull myself away from the paperwork I’m doing. “Hey, Bri,” I answer.
“Can you come home early?”
I sit up straight. “Is something wrong?”
“Yeah.” His voice breaks. “I know you’re busy, but—”
“I’ll leave now. Are you physically hurt?”
“No.”
“On my way.”
I tuck the papers in a folder. I can do them tomorrow. Grabbing my keys, I walk out of the office and let the team know I’m leaving early. The crew looks shocked, but they assure me they’ll lock up.
I drive as carefully as I can, but I’m freaking out. Briar has never called to ask me to come home. After pulling into a parking space, I hurry up the stairs, opening the door to our apartment to find Briar curled up in the fetal position on the couch. I set my phone and keys on the entry table.
“Bri?”
He doesn’t look up, just motions for me to come over. I sit on the couch, and he twists to curl into my lap. I rub his back as he burrows his face into my stomach.
“What happened?” I ask.
“Ron’s excited for the wedding and tagged me in a bunch of old pictures on Facebook.”
“Okay.”
“With Michael. It dug up a bunch of shit.”
I nod. “I get it.”
“It gets worse. Michael joined in commenting on things, but it was like I was invisible. There were so many pictures of the three of us, but Michael commented saying he always loved hanging out with Ron. Just Ron.”
“I’m sorry.”
“But then I…” He exhales, shaking his head. “I started looking at Michael’s page. It’s so weird. There are no current pictures of him and his new man.”
“Okay…”
“But every picture he ever posted of us is there. He didn’t delete them.”
“Why are you upset about that?”
“I think he did it on purpose. Like he knew I would look. You know, to rub it in. All his comments on Ron’s pictures felt intentional. Then I went to his page, and it’s like a time capsule of what used to be. I looked so…” He finally sits up and looks at me with teary eyes. “I looked fat and sad. Kind of homely.”
“I don’t believe you.”
He points to the laptop on the coffee table. I pick it up and look through a few pictures, but I’m noticing something entirely different than what Briar sees. “Um, Bri?”
“I know. I looked bad. No wonder he cheated.”
“First of all, knock that shit off. No one deserves to be cheated on. Especially not you.” I look back at the photos and click on one to enlarge it. “Okay, you weighed more than you do now. You already knew that.”
“Is he reminding me of that by keeping those photos?”
“He might not use this profile much anymore, Bri. Come on.”
He sniffs, shrugging. “Maybe.”
“Look at this one.” I draw his attention by pointing to the screen. “You know what I see?”
“An insecure guy holding on to a cheater?”
I shake my head. “No, Briar. Look at how he’s looking at you. Just put everything else aside and look at him.”
He does, his face softening as he finally sees what I see.
“I see love,” I say softly. “That’s a man looking at the man he loves. He clearly didn’t know what to do with that, but it’s obvious to me he loved you when this picture was taken. Maybe that’s why he keeps these pictures. Do you see it, Bri?”
Briar nods, a tear sliding down his cheek. “Then why did he hurt me?”
“I don’t know.” I pull him into my arms as he buries his face in my chest. “Only Michael knows that, but Bri, you have to let it go now. You have so much more ahead of you.”
“Do you think…” His words break, causing my heart to hurt for him. “Someone could love me again? The right way?”
I tilt his head back so I can look at him and smile. “Of course. You’re amazing, Bri. You just need to…” I laugh softly. “I was about to tell you something I should do too.”
“What?”
“Let go of the past. Believe you’re worthy.”
He nods. “You should do that too.”
We both laugh. “Noted.” Cupping his face, I use my thumbs to wipe his tears. I find myself drawn in, wanting to ease his pain, wanting to show him how desirable he is. That last thought is not something I know what to do with, so instead, I lean in and press my lips to his. Briar tenses in my arms but slowly relaxes. When his lips part, I taste him, letting my tongue dance with his. I feel his hesitance, and I get it. Neither of us expected what’s happening right now. I release him as it sinks in what I just did. “I’m sorry.”