Noel doesn’t respond to Reeve, only nods before redirecting his attention to the table.
“My dad’s a butcher, so if I were shit at cooking meat, I think I’d probably be tossed out of the family.”
“Did you grow up here, Noel?” Stana asks. It’s polite, it’s to make conversation, because I’m clearly not interacting enough. But doesn’t the fact that she’s making more of an effort than me say something?
It’s just with Reeve here, his dark eyes and looming presence sitting across the table, I can’t seem to focus. My body searches his out at every possible opportunity for some sort of a reaction. It’s bullshit.
Everyone begins talking, but I can’t manage to keep my focus. My fingers toy with the edge of the tablecloth on instinct, needing something to do. My eyes are trained on the flickering yellow candle in the center of the dish-cluttered table as my fingers move, scratching against the material.
Noel’s hand feels heavy on my leg, out of place almost, but I leave it there. He’s a great guy, a guy who deserves a chance without Reeve’s appearance every second. I just can’t think with him around, too many memories.
“I’m sorry Lottie and Owen couldn’t be here tonight,” Noel says from next to me, finally recapturing my attention. I think deep down, I know if I can focus more on Lottie and Owen than myself, I won’t have to do a deep psychoanalysis of why everything in my life seems so fucked up.
“Me too,” I tell him, patting his hand on my leg, just to test out how it all feels. It doesn’t feel wrong, which I should take as a good sign, but it isn’t completely natural. Yet isn’t that how it is when you start dating someone? You have to ease into things, get to know one another?
“She’s been unwell with some stomach thing the past week and Owen had work,” I tell him, hoping he knows they didn’t just ditch. Noel’s gone to a huge effort tonight and despite having known the boys for a long time, he doesn’t know us all as a group.
“Next time,” he says casually, as if there’s no doubt there will be another time.
I decide to go with his ease, accept there’s no pressure in this situation to rush into things.
“Definitely next time,” I tell him, not letting my gaze drift across the table, despite how badly Reeve’s stare is burning a hole into the side of my head.
I was seventeen the first time I saw Reeve Sawyer become serious about a girl he was dating. Seeing them together felt like the equivalent of a stomach punch. It was the first time I attempted to distance myself from the boys, from him. I invested more time into my friendship with Poppy and attempted to make more girlfriends. I even attempted to date, but keeping interest in a seventeen-year-old boy was hard when I had a twenty-one-year-old heartthrob invading my mind every other second.
“You didn’t want to come watch the show?”
I jolt on the couch, my hand clutching my chest as Reeve sits down next to me. I’d thought I was alone in the house, only the litter of our moving boxes still lingering.
“I had some last-minute stuff to pack,” I lie, avoiding his gaze. Avoiding him is all I seem to do lately.
“I thought Ali said he had packed everything up yesterday?”
I pick at my sweater, not knowing what to say.
“I know this is hard for you, Em, leaving your childhood home, but look at it as a fresh start. You can make new memories with Ali.”
“Memories without my parents,” I whisper, angry at the water filling my eyes. Angry that this mood I’m in didn’t even start about the fact that they’ve been dead over a year and we can no longer afford to keep this place. It started because Reeve Sawyer took his new girlfriend to their gig and she sat in the seat I always have, then proceeded to tell me children weren’t allowed at the venue. I wanted to rip her blonde extensions right out of her head. Instead I left, embarrassed and angry.
And I let it all simmer, bringing it to the boiling point just enough that sitting in a dark room and missing my brother’s first show this year seemed like a good idea. Now I just feel like a jackass for letting Ali down.
“You’re never going to forget your parents, Em. You’re not leaving them behind in this house, because that’s all this is, a foundation of concrete and bricks. You’ve got all you need to know and remember about them in here.”
He taps the side of my head, winking.
“And here I was thinking you were gonna say my heart,” I tease.
He nods thoughtfully. “That too.”
We sit in silence for a few more moments. “So, where is Talia?” I hate to even ask about her, but the temptation to know is just too strong.
Reeve grimaces. “Yeah, I don’t think that’s gonna work out.”
I turn to him, eyebrows raised high. “What do you mean? What could have possibly happened in the two hours since I saw you guys at the gig?”
Reeve’s eyes twinkle and I realize I’ve outed myself for being at the show.
“Let’s just say she showed me her true colors and they weren’t my cup of tea.”
My chest tightens at even the slight possibility that he saw what she said to me, but this time, I let my inquisitive nature die down, opting to stay silent instead.
“So, what are we watching?”
And just like that, things between us are light again, easy.
I nod toward the TV, where a rerun of Project Runway is playing.
Reeve shakes his head but stays silent, getting comfortable on the couch next to me. I wake up the next morning tucked safely into my bed, the time I spent with Reeve now no more than a pleasant memory.
It was in those moments, those small acts of comfort my love for him grew. That’s why it was even harder for me to shut him out at Saint Street the other night, because I know him, I know who he is deep down. Reeve Sawyer is an exceptional person who one day is going to make some woman very happy. It’s now way past time I accept that person isn’t going to be me.
“I’m not exactly sure that’s how you do it.” Noel’s uneasy laughter fills my ears as I reach for the park bench to avoid wiping out on the pavement.
“I think I might be shit at this.” I sit down, not wanting to eat dirt in front of the four-year-old girl who is speeding down Hyde Park pathway, her rollerblading effortless.
“Maybe this was a bad date idea,” Noel says from next to me.
I put my arm on his, attempting to reassure him. “No, it was a great idea. I’m just shit at any form of physical activity. I have trouble balancing when my feet are on solid ground, so give me a pair of skates and it’s all over.”
He only seems partly reassured, his smile apprehensive.
“I’ve had a great time, Noel. This was exactly what I needed.” I give him my brightest smile, wanting him to see the sincerity.
“Okay, I’m glad. But next time I promise it will be a foot-on-ground activity.”
“I’d like that.”
“So, any chance you’ve got time for lunch? I know a great place around the corner.”
I don’t hesitate to say yes. I put my trainers back on while Noel packs up our stuff before we’re off. He slips his hand into my own as we stroll. It feels nice, comfortable between the two of us. We’ve been dating over a month, but it’s all still very casual. I told him in the beginning that things needed to move slowly. I doubt he expected the glacial pace I’m going at that consists of chaste kisses and hand-holding, but Noel doesn’t seem to mind.