“Well, no matter what, you’ve got us and that’s good enough for anyone,” I throw in, hoping to comfort Stana’s and probably Lottie’s hidden unease.
Lottie looks at me, smiling, before she lifts her glass in agreement. “You guys are a fuckload more fun than my parents anyway!”
All three of us laugh, moving away from the heavier topics of today. We spend the rest of our lunch eating and laughing with one another. It’s exactly what I needed, and so when Lottie invites us all to spend the night at her house, I can’t find a single reason to say no. I know tomorrow will bring potential woes, so why not enjoy today?
After a night with the girls, I find their company was exactly what the doctor ordered. Refreshed, and not the least bit hungover, I decide to tidy the house before Reeve comes over later, opting to forgo any alcohol.
Cora is out of town for the next three nights, so I figured now is the perfect time to lay it all on the table with Reeve. So, at half past seven when the bell rings, despite the nerves dancing in my stomach, I have hope for our conversation, hope for our future.
I let him in, quickly looking at my reflection as I pass the mirror. My curly hair is out, my makeup its usual natural self while a light gloss coats my lips. It’s more subtle than I’m used to, but it works.
“Coming!” I yell as he knocks on the door. After yanking it open, I don’t hesitate, jumping into his arms and connecting our lips. Reeve responds instantly, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me closer.
“Well, this is a good greeting,” he says, his voice humorous.
I lean back, my arms wrapped around his neck. “I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever. I just missed you.”
A look of sadness briefly crosses his face, but he masks it well. It tells me all I need to know; Reeve is feeling the same unease as me.
I hop down out of his arms, then lead him inside and close the door behind him.
“Can I get you anything?” I ask as he stands in the middle of the living room. He smiles at me, shaking his head.
I fiddle around in the kitchen, suddenly more nervous than before. The air is thick with uncertainty. Reeve senses it, and so do I.
“Em,” he says, voice low.
I stop in my tracks, turning toward him.
“We need to talk.”
I nod and walk over to the couch, where we sit down together. My legs take on a mind of their own, bobbing up and down erratically. I cross my ankles, my nerves getting the best of me, despite the fact I’m also excited about the future we could have together. I’m a firecracker of feelings, something Reeve appears to be clued in to.
“We do need to talk, you’re right,” I confirm, reaching out to touch his hand. He smiles back at me, but it doesn’t reach his eyes.
“I think we can both agree things have been off lately, Reeve. Stuff with your parents, keeping secrets from our friends, it’s eating away at us.”
“It is,” he agrees, raking a hand through his hair. His leather jacket pulls as he moves, my mind questioning why he hasn’t yet taken it off.
“We stopped communicating, Reeve. Everything we agreed upon when we started this months ago, we haven’t been sticking to. I feel like I don’t know what’s happening in your life and we’re constantly keeping secrets from everyone.”
I look into his deep dark eyes, holding his gaze as I brace myself for what I need to tell him next. It will change things for us, but I have enough faith that it will only make us stronger.
“I don’t want to hide anymore. It made sense in the beginning, because we were still figuring out what we were, where things could probably go, but it’s clear now—these past few days have given me all the clarity I need.”
His expression is even as I prepare to tell him what I’ve known for years. I tighten my grip on his hand, leaning closer to him.
“I’m ready to tell everyone, Reeve, because these past few months have only managed to confirm and heighten what I’ve always known. I love you, Reeve.”
I’m grinning like a fool, the sheer and absolute relief from finally getting to say it overwhelming. But the feeling doesn’t last long. Because the smile Reeve returns is anything but happy. I lose mine in an instant, the hollow of my stomach protesting.
“Emilia,” Reeve whispers, and it’s short and pained.
I pull back my hand on instinct, my throat tightening and eyes burning.
“You know how much you mean to me.”
“But?”
“I might have to leave town for a little while.”
I rear back, his words, or lack thereof, hurting me more than any slap would.
“What? Where?”
He exhales, his hands going to tug on his hair. “I spoke to my dad; he wants me to join him in America for the month.”
“Your dad?” I repeat, trying to make sure I’m capturing this all correctly.
He nods, his face grim.
“So, what? You were just going to piss off without telling me? What the bloody hell does this mean for us anyway?”
“Em,” he says, reaching for me. I pull back, not liking where this is going. I’ve seen the look that lines his face before. Three times actually. The times he rejected me.
“Spit it out.”
“I need to sort my head out. I don’t want to end things; I just think a little bit of perspective would do me good. You know how much you mean to me.”
He would do better to punch me in the gut.
“How much I mean to you,” I repeat, tasting the words aloud on my tongue. I stand, no longer having any desire to be stagnant on the couch next to him. “I tell you not five minutes ago that I’m in love with you and you reply that you care about me, yet you’re going to piss off on an adventure with your absentee dad and what? Test the waters overseas? See if there is anything better out there!” I’m yelling now, my voice rising with every word that comes out of my mouth.
“Emilia, it’s not like that.” He jumps up, following me, his eyes round and sad.
“Don’t look at me like that!” I snap. “Don’t look at me like this is news to you, Reeve. We’ve both known how I’ve felt for years. Our time together over the past few months has only amplified that.”
He looks to the ground like an absolute coward. He was right when he said I was reckless. Reeve is so cautious; he wouldn’t know a risk if it bit him on the ass.
“I’m not saying this is the end, Emilia. I just need to gather perspective, to figure my life out. It isn’t as simple as you’re trying to make it. Just because our time might not be now doesn’t mean it’s over for us.”
I scoff, each word that comes out of his mouth sounding a little more pathetic than the last.
“It’s never now for us, Reeve. Always later that’s riddled with excuses and hesitancy. Our love, our relationship is always tomorrow, never now. I can’t wait anymore.”
A look I can only describe as anguish fills his face, my words and their finality hitting him.
“I’m done, Reeve. I won’t be kept a secret and I won’t keep secrets anymore. It’s clear where you stand on all of this, and if the situation were different, I’d be happy to give you time, but our reality is, you’ve had years to come to terms with all of this. Years to be open and honest with me, and you haven’t. So now, instead of me waiting on you to make choices regarding both of our lives, I’m taking back control.” I suck in a breath, knowing I’m about to hammer the last nail into our coffin, but I know it’s our only choice.