“Yeah.” I nodded. “Just glad to be out of there. We did it, right? It’s over?”
He ran his fingers through my hair, pulling our foreheads together. “It’s over.”
The words seemed so much more finite than they truly were. My troubles with Los Zares might have been over, but things with Tamir were far more uncertain.
He placed a kiss on my forehead, then directed me to the back seat of the Escalade. We were in an alley downtown, secluded from view while we switched vehicles. Uri took the silver car to the rental place while the rest of us made our way back to the house. Once we were safely there, Tamir helped me remove the bullet wound rigging Alon had secured to my chest and back so that I could shower off the crusted fake blood. By the time I got out, Uri was back with food.
We toasted to the completion of a successful mission with two Texas originals, Dr. Pepper and Whataburger. As I gazed at their smiling faces, I realized that, after only a short time together, they felt almost like family. Something about sharing a near-death experience brought people closer together, so I could only imagine the bond these men shared after serving in the military together. Tamir might have seemed like a loner, but he had a support system anyone would envy.
He followed me back to my bedroom after I excused myself for the night. I curled up under the covers, giving him room to sit on the edge of the bed. We’d had sex the night before, and he’d told me he loved me, but we were far from ready to jump into being a couple. I felt awkward about not being able to return his sentiment, but at least he was gracious enough to give me the room I needed.
“What’s the plan from here?” I asked.
“We need to book some flights home, and in the meantime, I thought we’d go to the cemetery first thing in the morning when we’re less likely to run into anyone.”
“Home?”
“There’s no reason you can’t still live in New York. As you mentioned, no one there knows your past. You can claim a family emergency and slip right back into the life you had started for yourself.”
I chewed on my lip, hesitant to accept that it could be that simple. The room filled with the debilitating weight of the words that were going unspoken until I caved to the pressure. “What about us? What happens when we go back?”
“I told you how I feel. Being back in the city won’t change that. I know you’re struggling with it all, so I have no problem giving you time to sort it out.”
What he was offering was incredibly generous and kind. I felt awful for keeping him dangling.
“I’m so sorry, Tam.” Tears burned the back of my throat. “The emotion’s there, and I want to give in to it, but you kill people for a living. You saw the life I left behind. I don’t want to walk back into gunfights and hiding from the law.”
He clasped my hand and squeezed gently. “I understand. That’s a decision you’ll have to make, but there’s no rush. I’d rather you took the time to think it through than walk away without giving us a chance.”
I could see his pain, even through his expertly schooled features. It made me feel like utter shit. I felt like I was the rope in a vicious tug-of-war of my own making, torn between giving in to my feelings for him and continuing on my charted course to an honest life.
“I don’t suppose you’re open to retirement?” I decided to ask even though he hadn’t offered. Normally, I wouldn’t have considered asking a man to end his career for me, but this was different. I wasn’t asking him to quit being an accountant. I didn’t want to have to wonder every day if the man I loved was coming home, or if he’d end up shot or in prison.
His lips thinned. “Would it make a difference? What’s been done is done. Quitting now won’t erase the blood on my hands. What I do is a part of who I am, and I’m not ready to give that up. You’ll have to either find a way to reconcile that in your heart, or we’ll have to go our separate ways.” He lifted my hand to his lips and pressed a bittersweet kiss to my knuckles. “The past twenty-four hours have been too emotional for you to make any decisions now. Get some rest, and we can talk again once we’re home.” He lowered my hand and stood, turning off the bedside lamp and casting the room into darkness. “Good night, motek.”
“What does it mean? Motek. You’ve said it before, but I don’t know what it means.”
He trailed his fingers through my hair with a sad smile illuminated by the moonlight. “It means darling or dear one.” His hand slipped away, and I felt the loss of his touch deep in my bones.
“Wait,” I called out before he reached the door. “Please, don’t go. Can you stay with me, just for tonight?” It was selfish and wrong, but the words were out before I could give them a second thought.
Tamir made his way to the other side of the bed, and I could hear him strip off his shoes, pants, and shirt, dropping each article onto the ground. Without a word, he slid beneath the covers and pulled me against his chest, wrapping me in warmth and security and crippling heartbreak.
I felt wretched knowing I cared for him so deeply, and that it might not be enough. I might have gotten my life back, and we might have been going back to New York, but nothing was going to be the same.
***
Tita’s headstone was a heart wrapped in beautifully carved angel’s wings. I’d insisted on the design, and my father had come up with the money to pay for the monument and the perfect plot under an enormous live oak tree. Maybe he’d felt guilty about hurting her for so many years, or maybe it was just easier to let me have what I wanted. There was no telling what went on in that man’s head. I had thought I’d known him before, but I would never make that assumption again.
Tamir drove me to the cemetery just after sunrise. He escorted me in but stood at a distance to give me privacy. It had been years since Tita had passed away, but seeing her again when I thought I never would, and knowing this would be the last time, brought a lump to my throat as I crossed the uneven ground to her plot.
I placed the bouquet I’d grabbed from a grocery store at the base of her headstone. I would have preferred yellow since that was her favorite color, but I’d had to make do with what they had available.
“Hey, Tita.” I struggled to get the words out past the emotion clogging my throat. “I’m sorry it’s been a while, but life got a little crazy. You’d be so proud of me. I walked away from Dad and the club. I know you had to have hated those years I spent with them. I’m so sorry I hurt you. I miss you every day, and even though I won’t be able to see you anymore, I want you to know that you will always be in my heart. Te amo, Tita.” I blew her a kiss and turned back to look at Tamir through tear-filled eyes. “Let’s go home.”
That night, I went back to my New York apartment alone, and I’d never felt lonelier in my life. Not when Tita died. Not when I first left Texas. There was something about knowing the person you loved was near, but just out of your reach, that felt far more disturbing than had they been totally unreachable.
When I did finally get to sleep, I dreamed I was watching through a telescopic lens as a young woman with dark flowing hair walked along a cliff’s edge. The red dirt wall had no grass or vegetation to help keep it together, and when she got too close to the edge to examine something, the ground beneath her broke free, and she slid straight down the cliff face. As if I had no power to look away or close my eyes, I watched in horror as she struck outcroppings, and her body bent and twisted in unnatural angles. Only once she’d completed her horrific descent to the bottom did I startle awake.