Two weeks after I returned, I secured a new job as a daytime manager at a small Brazilian steakhouse. It was family owned, which suited me perfectly. It also provided the perfect distraction from my situation with Tamir.
I never made it to any Krav Maga classes. I couldn’t go to his gym, nor could I stomach going somewhere else. It would have felt like I was walking away, and I couldn’t commit to that decision, which left me at an impasse.
I hadn’t seen him in the two weeks since we’d come back, but sometimes, I could swear I felt his eyes on me. It wouldn’t have surprised me if he was there, watching. At times, I wanted to demand he show himself just so I could see him. See those intelligent dark eyes and remember what it was like to have his full lips on mine.
On Christmas Eve, I came home to find a package waiting for me. Tamir didn’t even celebrate Christmas, but he’d been thoughtful enough to bring me a gift. Inside the beautifully wrapped box was a silver cuff bracelet with an evil eye engraved on its surface. It had a hinge on one side so that it could close all the way around my wrist, completely covering my tattoo. It was perfect—the most thoughtful gift I’d ever received.
Tamir might not have been in my life, but he was always with me. In my thoughts. In my heart.
It felt wrong to be without him, but shouldn’t being with a killer feel wrong too? My chest ached to be near him, but what surprised me was how crushed I felt when I started my period that night.
In the back of my mind, I’d wondered what might come of our night of unprotected sex. I’d been on the pill in New York but hadn’t brought them with me when I left. After two weeks in the cabin without birth control, I’d had no idea what would result from our slip. It had been risky and reckless. Having a child with him would have been a terrible way to start a relationship, yet my heart shattered when I discovered it wasn’t to be.
A part of me had been hanging on to hope that a pregnancy would tilt the scales and make it that much easier for me to run back to him. That shouldn’t have been the reason I decided to be with him, but somewhere down deep, I’d been hoping. Hoping that, the whole time, I’d still had a part of him with me and assurance that we could still be in each other’s lives.
Now, there was no reason to go back to him, except for the excruciating pain in my chest when I thought of never seeing him again.
I spent the rest of my evening draining my eyes of every tear. I didn’t allow myself the numbing reprieve alcohol would have provided. Feelings were there to be felt, and I was doing a disservice to Tamir if I hid from the pain of being away from him.
Three days later, I was back at the shelter. I wasn’t scheduled to volunteer, but we’d had a particularly large amount of food left over at the restaurant, and I decided to take it by so that it wouldn’t go to waste. It was late when I arrived and found the director and her assistant sitting at the dining table together. Both wore matching expressions of worry.
They explained that the new girl had disappeared. She’d started her GED program and had seemed to be settling in well with no hint that she was interested in going back to her abusive family. The ladies were concerned the girl had been picked up by traffickers who targeted young women at shelters.
Not only was there nothing they could do but they couldn’t even contact the authorities until the girl was gone for over twenty-four hours. And even then, she would likely be seen as just another runaway. Forgotten as easily as yesterday’s news.
I was enraged. A righteous ball of fury looking to rain down my wrath in a storm of vengeance.
But I had no target. No outlet for my anger and frustration.
I had no idea how the other shelter workers kept from slipping into a murderous rage. By the time I made it back to my apartment, my blood was boiling with the need to act. I was so distracted with thoughts of destruction and spite that I didn’t realize I wasn’t alone.
At the sight of Tamir sitting in my living room, my heart took a giant swallow of fresh air and infused liquid coolant into my veins. I didn’t question his sudden appearance or scold him for scaring me to death. The second he stood, I raced into his arms. His lips slammed down on mine, and I seized the opportunity to have him close. His unexpected appearance was the lifeline I needed, and I didn’t have the wherewithal to push him away.
“Fuck, I missed you,” he growled between kisses.
“Missed you so much.” I wrenched his shirt up, initiating a frantic removal of both our clothes as if they were infested with ants, and we couldn’t get them off fast enough.
In a matter of seconds, Tamir had me in his arms with my back against the wall. His hard length was warm against my belly, making my hips ache to roll and grind against him.
“I know I need to give you time, but my patience is wearing thin. I had to see you if only for a few minutes.” He scraped his teeth against the skin of my neck, sending a storm of goose bumps down my arms and legs.
I didn’t know what to say. Answers to my questions had evaded me, and with him naked against me, my brain was completely dysfunctional.
He angled his hips, preparing to press inside me.
“Wait!” By some small miracle, one clear thought penetrated my lust-filled haze. “Condom.”
He slowly pulled back and met my eyes. “Have you slept with someone else while we’ve been apart?” The air around him could have crystallized from the arctic chill in his words.
“No, Tam,” I whispered. “I just don’t want us screwing this up. What we did last time was reckless.” Fortunately, I’d just finished my period, so we were probably safe either way, but I didn’t think it was right to take those chances with someone I couldn’t commit to wholeheartedly.
His shoulders relaxed as he lowered me, then retrieved a condom from his wallet. He rolled it on and had me back in his arms in no time. “First like this, then I’ll take you back to the bedroom. I need you too much to be gentle the first time.” With those words, he plunged inside me, taking three long pumps to sheathe himself fully inside me.
I’d never felt so full and complete in my life—as if his cock belonged inside me. It wasn’t just his cock. Having him there with me made my heart feel so much more capable of handling the other struggles in my life. Like a cracked glass that couldn’t hold water, he sealed those cracks and made me a stronger person.
I clung to his shoulders as he pounded inside me, neither of us able to get enough of each other. After he brought us both to the blinding peak of the mountain and sent us careening down the other side, he carried me to the bedroom without missing a single beat. I, on the other hand, was a wobbly tangle of limbs.
I wasn’t sure I could handle another round, but when his velvety tongue lapped at my slit, warm embers of lust began to ignite in my belly. He lavished attention over every inch of me—worshiped my body and lay siege to my heart. As if it wasn’t his already.
Much later, when our bodies glistened with a sheen of sweat and the scent of sex saturated the bedroom, we lay entwined and talking softly to one another. I told him about my new job and the shelter. He gave me updates on his own life and what he’d heard from his friends.
“And what about your other job?” I asked the question hesitantly. “Have you been … working?” My meaning was clear. I wanted to know if he’d killed anyone since we’d come home.