“Storm’s comin’,” I tell her.
“We have to go back,” she whispers.
“We can stay a little longer. Might get wet,” I tease.
Dez laughs and it sounds like a real laugh. Not one of her forced laughs. The clouds grow darker as we lay in silence. As much as I want to be with her, I know it’s wrong. I can’t make her stop using. I can’t make her see that what she’s doing to herself is wrong. Droplets slowly start to fall when Dez rolls to her side to look at me. I mimic her and roll to face her too, reaching up to wipe a drop of rain from her face.
“You’re going to run from me too, aren’t you?” Sadness creeps across her features and it hurts.
“I’m not runnin’, but this isn’t gonna be easy. I don’t know that this is a good idea or if it would even work. We don’t know much about each other.”
“I’m a nobody, Gauge. That’s all there is to know,” she says softly. She sits up and grabs her bikini slowly putting it back on. The rain comes down harder as I stand and head to start the boat back up. The drive back to the dock doesn’t take us too long, and when I watch her climb off my heart sinks. She isn’t a nobody.
Twelve
Dezzy
I slid my shorts and tank top back on before I started walking. Gauge took a few minutes to get the yacht in place, but I couldn’t stand to be there when he was finished. A few minutes later, I hear the rumble of his bike. I ignore him and keeping moving forward. I don’t want to ride with him; I need space and I need to breathe. Gauge pulls in front of me, stopping the bike before looking over his shoulder. His long shaggy hair sticks to his face as the rain pounds down on him.
“I don’t want a ride, I’m walking,” I tell him and try to move past him. That doesn’t work. He climbs off quickly and grabs my arm, jerking me in front of him.
“Don’t you fuckin’ play these games with me. Get your ass on the bike,” he growls. Lightning crashes around us but Gauge doesn’t even blink.
“I like the rain. You wouldn’t understand.” His eyes narrow as he looks down at me. The heat in his stare sends a chill down my spine. How can he look into me like this? How can he see what I don’t want anyone to see? I know he can, it’s all there in his eyes.
“Fine. We walk.” I watch him walk over and grab his keys and helmet before walking back over to me.
“No, you can go.”
“I’m not walkin’ away from you, Dez.”
Those six words take my breath away. Whether he knows it or not, he will walk away from me. Everyone does at some point. I don’t say anything else. I just start walking and letting the thunder vibrate through my body and the lightning dance around me. The rain hits my skin roughly, reminding me that I’m still alive and able to feel regardless of what my heart is telling me. Gauge doesn’t make a move to talk, and for that I am beyond thankful. He doesn’t understand me yet he can see me. It’s a confusing contradiction I know but it is what it is.
It seems like forever before we reach the clubhouse and when we get there half of the guys are still gone. I let out a sigh thanking God I don’t have to deal with my dad at the moment. Gauge shoves the door open, holding it open for me as I walk in.
“Your bike fucked up?” One of the prospects asks Gauge.
“No, needed a walk. Go run down and get my bike, yeah?”
The guy nods and comes over grabbing the keys and listens as Gauge rattles off where the bike is. I shiver from the blast of the air condition in the room when he moves in behind me. His hands run up and down my arms trying to warm me.
“I don’t know what you want from me, Dez.”
“I don’t know either. I’m not good with boyfriends, they always leave. I’m not good with friends, they always use me. Like I said earlier, I’m a nobody anymore.” The truth hurts. It’s a painful ache that no one else could possibly understand. It feels like your insides are being ripped from your body and there is nothing but darkness that surrounds you. I walk away leaving Gauge to stand there by himself as I head down the hallway. I can’t deal with this anymore. I can’t deal with the feelings. Heading into my room, I grab the little black bag from the night stand head into the bathroom. I need the numbness that the high gives me. I need to feel free, not bogged down in the pits of hell. I fill the syringe and plunge it into my flesh as tears pour down my cheeks. The door flies open and Gauge stands there looking so menacingly handsome. His eyes are wild as he looks at me and then to the syringe.
“Gimme the bag,” he says roughly. I sob harder and shake my head.
“You can take it but I’ll just find more.”
“What’s the point, Dezzy? Why do you fuckin’ use it?” His voice holds so much authority that even I cringe away from it. The tears don’t stop as I gasp for air. It’s all too much. I hear Gauge sigh before he kneels in front of me, pulling me into his arms. That does little more than make me cry harder.
“Cry it out, baby. Just let it out,” he encourages me in a soft tone that I didn’t think he had. His hand runs up and down my back soothingly.
“Do you know what it’s like to be alone? To have no one give a damn about you? To live in a place that’s so dark you question your own sanity?” I ask through the sobs. Gauge doesn’t say a word and that’s my answer. He might have had a parent who didn’t want him but he found people who did. I don’t have that luxury. I have nothing but the poison running through my veins. This is what I’ve become or maybe this is what I was born to be. Either way I’m slowly dying and no one even sees it but me.
“Don’t talk like that, Dez. It’s bullshit and you know it,” Gauge says toughening up his tone.
I pull away and shove at his chest, pushing him away slightly. Standing to my feet, I ignore him and head back into my room, stripping out of the wet clothes and bikini. Kicking them off, I stalk through the room looking for something clean to put on when Gauge catches my attention. He stands with his arms crossed, leaning against the door frame of the bathroom with my little black bag in his hands. He doesn’t speak and I don’t move. I’m sucked into the depth of the man in front of me.
“Are you going to watch me get dressed?” I tease letting the high make me bolder.
A dark look crosses his face before he shakes his head. Shoving off the frame, he walks toward me, coming to a stop when we are nearly touching. He stares down at me, intensity in his glare.
“I don’t play games, Dez. I don’t like junkies. The most I do is a smoke a little weed here and there, but you, you can’t seem to keep that needle out of that flesh of yours. I won’t do it again. I won’t watch someone else die from this shit. You want a good hard fuck, you come see me. Anything more, I can’t give it to you.” With that, he tosses my bag onto the bed and turns, leaving the room. His words linger in the back in my mind as I stand stuck in place. I’m frozen in time and I can’t move. Who did he lose to drugs? I should feel bad but I don’t. Not now anyway. I swallow hard and go back about my business before heading to take a shower.