“You already back?” OB asks when he spots me from the bar.
“Heard I was needed.”
“You knew she was comin’?” he asks.
“Unfortunately. Sly said he was tellin’ you guys and fillin’ you in. Appears that was a load of shit.”
“Heard that. Shaft told us. Fucked up, brother,” he grumbles shaking his head.
“Not much we can do about it, yeah? Where is the crazy bitch?” OB chuckles under his breath before pointing down the hall.
“Gettin’ all comfy I assume. Had her claws in the prospect earlier.” Fuck. Just what we don’t need.
“And Dez?”
“She was out back. I wouldn’t fuck with her right now if I was you,” he informs me.
“You ain’t me.” Walking past him, I head out the backdoor to see her sitting by the pool. It always amazes me that this is one of the few clubhouses that actually has a goddamn swimming pool.
“You okay?” I can see the syringe on the ground next to her but that liquid she craves is still in it. I sigh a breath of relief before sitting down next to her.
“She’s here. Did you know she was coming here? Dad stormed right past her.”
God her voice is so full of pain. I hate it.
“He told me.” She scoffs and shakes her head before looking over at me, her dark hair falling over her shoulder.
“You knew and you didn’t think you should tell me?”
“Wasn’t my place.”
“What is your place, Gauge? I mean really! You fuck me like there’s no tomorrow and then you leave knowing that she was coming. What the hell am I to you?”
There’s a question I don’t have an answer to. Not that I don’t want one, I just don’t know.
“I’m the fuckin’ VP here, Dez. I follow my goddamn orders, yeah?” The sad smile that curls her lips rips me apart.
“And I’m me. The nobody,” she says softly, tears filling her eyes. She reaches for the syringe but my hand covers hers, stopping her movements.
“You aren’t nobody. You’re somebody, but you want a label and I don’t know how to give you that, Dez. Don’t do this. Look at me,” I nearly beg her until her eyes meet mine. “Tell me you didn’t feel anything when I was with you the other day. Tell me you can’t feel me and I will let this go.” Nodding toward the needle in our hands, she shakes her head.
“It isn’t that easy.”
“Why not? You don’t need this shit to feel, Dez. Don’t I make you feel?” Why am I doing this? She isn’t mine, and if Sly knew he’d have my ass, but there is something about her that I can’t pull away from. Frankly, I don’t want to.
Sixteen
Dezzy
Somewhere inside of Gauge is a good heart. I can see it but there’s also uncertainty and so much more. I want to hate him for doing this to me, but I also want to fall into what he does make me feel. It’s a heavy burden for me.
“Say it, Dez,” he challenges me. I shake my head as the heat of his hand races up my arm. A tear slides down my cheek as nod my head and bite my lip.
“Yeah. You make me feel, Gauge, but fuck! Do you want to know what I feel?” He nods his head as if that wasn’t even a question. “I feel cheated. I feel used and useless. I feel like everything in my life has turned to shit in the matter of months. I hate my life. I hate my thoughts and most of all I hate that everyone around me hates me too.” Gauge flinch at my words. Truth can hurt. Mine always does.
“You aren’t hated, Dezzy.”
“No? Then you tell me why my dad slapped me? Tell me why he runs and hides when I’m around. Can you tell me that much?” His hand moves from mine, running through his hair instead. I miss the warmth, the stability that he provides when he’s near me.
“He never wanted you in this life, Dezzy. You’re a target. He just wanted you safe.”
“What a fucking lie. Come on, Gauge! I was here for years!”
“I don’t know okay? He said that he never wanted you to get hurt! That he just wanted you to be safe, that’s all I fuckin’ know!” He roars as he shoves himself off the ground and storming away. I stand and follow closely behind him not at all done with this shit.
“You said I was a junkie!” Gauge stops walking, his head dropping forward before he slowly turns to face me. There’s a mask in place to keep me out. I would know, I use them all the time with people.
“Look at your hand, Dez,” he says his voice softening to a level I didn’t think he was capable of. I lower my head and gaze at the syringe before looking back up at him. I slowly lick my lips as he watches me, fire burning through those gorgeous blue eyes of his.
“It’s all I’ve known. I want to be numb, Gauge. I want to never have to feel a fucking thing and this is the only way I know how to do that.” He shakes his head, his hand coming up to scratch the stubble on his jaw.
“I thought I was doin’ a pretty damn good job helpin’ you out with that.”
“Yeah? That’s all you were doing. What is this? What is this between us, Gauge? You want something more than a good fuck now? You told me you could give me that, and at the time, it worked! What about after when I need something else?”
I watch as he swallows hard, not sure what to say. That makes two of us. I’ve never relied on a person in my life. I’ve taken comfort in what the drugs can provide for me. They are always there when I need them and they don’t judge me. They don’t look at me with the look Gauge is giving me right now. They don’t talk back to me or make wish for things. They give me a numb comfort that washes everything else away. They take it all, if only for a while.
“That’s what I thought. You can’t give me what I need just like I can’t be what you need. We aren’t meant to be more than a fuck, Gauge.” I start to walk away when I hear him huff out a breath. He knows I’m right. This is what we are to each other no matter how hard we try to think otherwise.
“It doesn’t have to be that way,” he says catching my attention.
“What do you want from, Gauge? Huh?” I scream throwing my hands out at my sides. He looks at me there is nothing, not one thing he can think of.
“I don’t fuckin’ know, okay? I like bein’ around when you aren’t fucked out of your mind. I like touchin’ you, holdin’ you! I like that you speak your mind when you aren’t so fuckin’ high that you don’t know where you are! Goddamn it, Dezzy!” Gauge tugs at his hair, frustration clear in his eyes.
I step toward him slowly, reaching up to touch his cheek while slipping the capped needle into my back pocket with the other hand. His hand comes to rest over mine like it did by the pool.
“You think I don’t like those things too? You think I like being this way? Being who I am? I can’t change me, Gauge and neither can you. This is it, this is all I have to offer.” His eyes dance between mine, sadness and pain mixing in. I hate that I’m the one hurting him.
“I have no words here, Dez. I’ve never attempted a relationship. I’ve never looked for one, and frankly, I don’t know that I could do it. I am what I am too and I can’t change that. You, though? You can stop the drugs, Dezzy. You can become so fuckin’ spectacular. Why don’t you see that in yourself?”