I grimace, afraid to know his plan. “Phase one of heal and deal? What in the actual fuck? And since when do you know what a broken heart feels like?”
Anthony laughs. “I may break more, but it’s happened. My shit works, trust me. Your broken heart will heal in no time.”
But…
What if…?
What if I don’t want it to heal?
What if I want the pieces to stay shredded until Levi puts them back together again?
But what if he never does?
Will my heart somehow heal and learn to beat for someone else?
The thought makes me sick.
You’re holding on to hope, Rai. Hoping and wishing aren’t enough to heal a broken heart.
“First up is unlimited junk food and bad eighties movies. Ready?” Ant wraps his arms around my shoulder and leads me out of the kitchen.
Anthony needed to sign the lease on his new apartment, so he flew back to LA last night after spending a few days with me.
He planned to be here all summer, but unfortunately, heading into his senior year of college means lots of internships and hard work. I’m grateful for the few days we spent together and his determination to make me feel better.
His so-called “heal and deal” plan got me laughing and enjoying his company, but no healing of my heart ever took place.
It’s still as broken as ever.
Not hearing from Levi drives me crazy. All day, all night, he’s always on my mind.
What’s he doing?
Who’s he with?
Is he still drinking?
Is he okay? Has he gotten worse?
Worry after worry runs through my head, leaving me exhausted yet restless. I haven’t had a full night’s sleep since I walked out on Levi. Most of my nights are spent tossing and turning before I finally pass out around four or five a.m. Hence, the sleeping in.
My summers were often filled with days at the beach and volunteering as a camp counselor. But this summer?
I’ve barely left my room.
How can I continue acting like I’m okay when inside I’m dying?
How can I put on a happy face when I don’t feel any happiness at all?
Walking out on Levi was the worst night of my life. I can picture every detail, every moment so clearly.
His words echo in my head, each one a sword that shreds the pieces more.
“No, Raina. No, I need you. Please.”
He was begging on his knees, but I still turned away. I still closed the door on our love.
Staring at the ceiling of my childhood bedroom, I feel tears leak out the sides of my eyes as memories flood me.
“You need help and to focus on your career. Not me.” It kills me to say those words, hurts so fucking bad I can’t breathe, but I have to. I have to.
He won’t understand. Not now anyway. And when he’s sober, I pray he finds me.
I pray our love brings us back together. It has to.
“Get better and come find me. Our love will lead us back to each other.” I choke out the words as Levi falls to his knees at my feet, the sound of his own cries filling the room.
As I bury my face into my pillow, a half sob, half scream erupts from deep within me. The pain is so raw, so fresh as the day I walked away.
I pray our love brings us back together. It has to.
It has to.
Right?
What if he’s still drinking? What if he’s worse now?
Or what if he’s better? Why wouldn’t he have told me? Does he still love me?
Maybe he won’t want me anymore. Maybe he’s moved on.
No. NO. He couldn’t have…wouldn’t have…
I want to throw up.
But if we do make it back to each other, can I even trust him to stay sober?
It’s all too much.
Sobs wrack my body as everything falls heavy on my shoulders, pushing me down, drowning me in misery, and cutting off my ability to breathe.
All those shredded pieces?
They fucking crush me.
I cry until nothing’s left.
No tears, no energy.
Only heartbreak and loss.
I close my eyes and hope for some peace.
Something buzzes against my side. I ignore it, but it doesn’t stop. Cracking one eye open, I find my phone half underneath my side, the screen lit up with a call from Mable.
I squint my eyes, glancing around the room as I try to get my bearings. I must’ve fallen asleep. The clock reads 2:25.
Fuck, half the day is gone.
My phone buzzes again, and Mable’s face fills the screen. “Hey,” I answer.
“Raaaaiiinnaa! Hiiiii!” Mable’s voice booms over the phone, and I can’t help but smile. God, I’ve missed her.
“What’s up?” I clear the sleep from my throat and shuffle my way to the bathroom.
“Did you listen to the voicemail I left? Probably not, so I’ll just fill you in. I found us an amazing apartment!” Her excitement is evident and honestly a bit catchy, lifting my mood for a moment.
“Get out! Tell me everything.”
“I was browsing the ads and came across one that sounded way too good to be true. You know how that goes. The price definitely reflects the size. Anyway, I called for the hell of it, and they happened to be having an open house, so I stopped by. Oh my God, Rai. Unbelievable.”
She goes on and on about the details of the interior, and I try to feel excited, but it’s fleeting.
I want to. I want to feel excitement over heading back to the city, having my own place with Mable, and starting my sophomore year.
But instead, it’s tarnished with bad memories.
How will I even deal with possibly seeing Levi?
“I’m going to send you pictures. I really want to put the deposit down, but I need to make sure you love it as much as I do,” Mable gushes.
“I trust you, Mab. From what you’ve said, it sounds perfect.”
“It really is. But how are you? I know we caught up last week, but I’m hoping your visit with Anthony helped?”
With a sigh, I stare at myself in the mirror, wishing the dark circles under my eyes weren’t so noticeable. “Yeah, it did.”
“Well, damn girl, don’t sound so happy.”
I turn the shower on and plop down on the toilet seat lid. Putting my feet up on the edge of the tub, I press speaker button and place the phone on the counter. “I’m trying,” I manage to say while blinking back tears.
“Oh, Rai. I know it sucks. Time heals, you’ll see. And you’re living with me, so you know we’ll have fun. I’ll make sure of it.”
I have no doubts there.
With a promise to call her after I look at the pictures, I take a quick shower and throw on a pair of clean pajamas. I check my phone again but don’t see any pictures yet.
Thoughts of heading back to New York City fill my head, and my stomach twists.
Where is he right now? Is he okay?
I stare at my phone as tears slip down my cheeks. I can’t stand the constant worry, and the need to call and check on him fills me from head to toe.
I find his name in my phone, and my finger hovers over the call button. Not once all summer have I tried to call him or even text him.
But suddenly, at this moment, the urge chokes me in a way I can’t ignore.
I need to know.
I just need to know he’s okay.
A quick hello and we’re done.