The cool air-conditioning caresses my face, and I breathe in my favorite aromas of coffee and sweet desserts. I find a table in the far back, a little private corner in the busy shop.
When the sun goes down and the air cools off, the rooftop is where I like to sit, the breeze incredible.
I order a couple of frozen coffees for Mable and me, and a piece of cheesecake to split. While I wait, I look over my class schedule and the books I picked up, excited for a few of my classes this semester. Lyrical poetry sounds interesting.
“Hey, you.” Mable slides into the seat across from me, her smile as big as her eyes as she takes in our drinks and dessert. “I love you, you know that?”
“I know.” I close the book I was looking at and take a sip of my drink. “Did you get your books?”
“Not yet. The meeting ran late this morning, and I promised Ian we would meet up for lunch. Next thing I know, it’s time to meet you. Shit, I hope it doesn’t close early since today’s Sunday.”
I shake my head as I dig into the cheesecake, trying to ignore the painful thump of my heart that never stops. “They’re open late. It was plastered all over the store.”
“Oh, thank God. I hate rushing around during the first week of classes for books. It’s enough trying to find the damn classes.” Mable sips her drink before taking another bite of cheesecake. “I’m happy to see you out of the apartment. Feel better?”
“Nope.” I eat more cheesecake, but it doesn’t make me feel better either, only full. “Thanks for the hat, though. It helped.”
“Look at me, Rai.”
I tear my eyes away from the table and reluctantly meet her gaze.
“Your eyes are so swollen. Did you sleep at all?”
I shake my head as tears fill my eyes. “Not these past two nights, anyway.”
I’ve been here a week, and at first, everything was good. Well, as good as it can be. Our new place, spending time together, and even a day of nonstop shopping. But since seeing Levi, it’s like my entire world flipped upside down again, his words driving a stake between us.
I should’ve ignored my heart. Going there was stupid, and I knew that, but I did it anyway. What did I really expect? Him to welcome me with open arms?
No, but I didn’t expect him to stomp on my broken heart, either.
“Oh, Rai. I hate seeing you hurt so much. I want to wring Levi’s neck for saying those awful things to you. They aren’t true, I know it. He was lashing out in anger, maybe the shock of seeing you, but I know that man loves you.”
I look away as tears begin to fall. “He’s not the same person I left.”
“Doesn’t change the fact that he loves you. You may have hurt him, and yeah, I’m sure it caused damaged. To both of you. But feelings don’t turn off and on like a faucet. And with the love you two have, that shit is one of a kind.”
“If it’s so damn special, then why can’t he give up drinking?”
“It’s not that easy, Rai, and you know it. But maybe he will. When he’s ready.”
I cross my arms and narrow my eyes in her direction. “Whose side are you on?”
Mable smirks and shoves a big bite of cheesecake in her mouth. “Yours, of course. I just know how much you love him, and it won’t help me to tell you he’s a fucking asshole who doesn’t deserve you. It won’t help your pain. Besides, those words aren’t true.”
“What do you mean?”
“If you want me to bash him for the sake of bashing him, if it makes you feel better to hate on him, then I will for you. But I’m not going to lie because though I may have had my reservations in the beginning, Levi proved himself differently.”
“Even now?”
Mable licks some whipped cream from her coffee. “How he’s behaving now isn’t him, Rai. It’s the alcohol. Trust me.” Mable looks away for a moment, then back at me; her eyes watery yet she smiles.
I’ve often asked Mable about her childhood, but she doesn’t reveal much, claiming there’s nothing to tell. I didn’t push her, figuring she’d tell me when she wants to. It hasn’t happened yet, but what I just saw gives me a clue.
Mable sighs while finishing her dessert. “Levi needs help. The fights and the hateful rage that pour out of his mouth are his misery talking. The alcohol is a mask that makes everything worse. When and if he gets help and becomes sober, he’ll be his old self.”
I contemplate what she says, and while I believe her, I can’t help but doubt it. Will Levi really be his same old self?
How will he deal with the constant temptation all around him? Will he fight this battle of drunk versus sober every day for the rest of his life?
And if we were together again, would it strain our relationship? Would I take a vow of sobriety and help Levi keep his?
The weight of my thoughts and Mable’s words rest heavy on my shoulders, pushing me down and holding me back.
More tears come. Mable gets up and comes over to my side of the booth, pushing her way inside to sit next to me. She pulls me close, letting me cry on her shoulders like always.
“I’m sorry, Rai. I didn’t mean to upset you more.”
“You didn’t. I know Levi is an amazing person. I… I just don’t know…” I trail off as I gather my thoughts. “The only person I want to heal my broken heart is the one person who can’t.”
“Sometimes the heart needs to let go in order to heal.”
Her true words sting. But what if I don’t want to let go?
What if I can’t?
My pen furiously scratches across the small journal paper, most of it barely legible. The letters blur as tears fall onto the paper, making the ink run.
I don’t care. I just need to get it out.
Get the fucking pain out that’s destroying me from the inside out.
The cooler night air rustles my hair, the sun steadily making its descent for the night. After Mable left for the bookstore and yet another meeting, I moved up here, hoping the fresh air would help.
Maybe it did, but being up here for the first time since last year has hit me hard. I found a private table and dissolved into a puddle of tears, my hat and hair covering most of my face.
My coffee grows cold, unable to drink past the sobs choking me. Thankfully, no one noticed the pathetic girl crying in the corner.
I flip to a new page, the words coming as fast as the water leaking down my face now.
Heartache and lies,
Whispers and cries,
When will the pain stop?
When will the tears end?
Only you make me whole,
The very one who broke me.
How can that be?
When will the pain stop?
When will the tears end?
The words and tears don’t stop as an endless stream of hurt rushes forward. I gasp for air as salty warm water runs over my lips and drips down my chin.
“Are you okay?” a deep voice asks.
The sound startles me, and I look up to find a guy standing next to the booth, his features drawn into a worried frown.
I avert my eyes, suddenly embarrassed I’m bawling in public. I need to get out of here. He must think I look like some crazed girl, sobbing into her coffee and soaking her shirt.
Launching out of my seat as if my ass is on fire, I knock over my drink, the brown liquid seeping everywhere. Including my journal.