“Vodka is never a good idea.” I fake laugh. “I was getting ready to leave, is there any way one of you could call me a cab while I get my stuff?”
“I thought I was going to take you home after you got coffee?” Bishop’s voice says one thing but his eyes are begging me to hear him out, to listen to what he has to say. Well, I’m fucking tired of listening to Bishop. All he does is talk, he never acts. I’m tired of trusting him. I should have listened to Riggs.
Fuck this. I feel like such an idiot.
“Nah, it’s okay. You obviously have plans for today with the boys. I have to be on campus soon anyway.”
I don’t look behind me as I walk upstairs to gather my stuff. I pull all of his clothes off my body like they are burning me. I pull my jeans on and throw the hoodie over my top half. I don’t even bother with the bra and underwear. I grab my phone off the dresser shoving it into my pocket, while putting my feet inside my Converse.
I wipe the tears that have escaped, take a deep breath, and move to the steps. I turn to look at his bedroom one last time. I remember all the talks, all the laughs, the pillow fights, the love that happened in this room. This is a goodbye to all of it.
I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want this pain anymore.
I make my way down the steps and see Nico on the phone and Kai in the corner talking to Bishop. Well, more of Kai yelling at him than anything. I clear my throat to gather their attention. Nico covers the speaker on his phone.
“The taxi should be downstairs any minute,” he mumbles before returning to his phone call. I give him a thumbs up. I turn to Kai and Bishop noticing that B is already walking towards me. I look at the ground before meeting him halfway.
“Vallie─” he starts but I cut him off by wrapping my arms around his waist. I lay my head on his chest feeling his heartbeat loudly in my ear. I clutch his back, inhaling his scent. It used to comfort me, now it just makes me want to cry.
Every second I’m in his apartment is another reminder of all the lies he’s told me. Bishop doesn’t want anyone to know how he feels about me. Maybe it is because of how I look or maybe he is embarrassed because I am so young.
Either way, I am tired of not feeling enough.
“Thanks for last night, I appreciate it,” I tell him truthfully. One day I will thank him for this moment too, for showing me that I’m worth more than this. I deserve someone who isn’t afraid to love me.
“I’ll see ya around, B.” I pull away from his body even though he tries to hold me there. I tuck a piece of hair behind my ear, and wave at Kai.
I need out of this fucking apartment. It is all too much. I can’t fucking handle this shit anymore. I am suffocating. I all but run to the door, pulling it open and making my way down to the street.
The wind hits my face, knocking the breath out of me. I let some of the tears fall freely now, not even bothering to wipe them away. I’m so fucking stupid for trusting him. I grab my phone quickly and send a message to Riggs. All the message says is pepper. It’s our code word for when we have a bad day.
She responds just as fast.
Riggs: Chocolate or Strawberry ice cream?
Riggs: Never mind I’ll just grab both, see you soon, babe.
I let out a painful laugh, sniffling a little. I feel my arm being grabbed before I’m turned around facing a shirtless Bishop. I jerk myself away from his grip automatically. He looks down at me with a painful expression.
“What do you want, B?” I sigh. I’m tired, mentally and physically. My head is bursting with a migraine. My heart is currently splitting into pieces, and I look like death warmed over. I just want to curl into a ball on my bed and cry.
He furrowed his eyebrows. “What do I want? Are you fucking kidding me?” he scoffs.
With a breathy laugh that has zero amusement behind it, he continues, “I want to talk to you. I’m sorry about that, it’s just…” He runs a hand through his hair, something he does when he is trying to find words.
Fresh tears well up in my eyes, and the feeling of nausea washes across my stomach. This is harder than not saying goodbye, because I know what I have to say. I know what I have to ask. The answer is going to end me.
“It’s just what, B? When are you going to be ready to tell people about us? When will you tell my dad?”
It is a simple question for any normal relationship. When are you ready to make this official, to put a title on us. It should be easy. If you both care like you say you do, then it’s easy. Except Bishop and I have never been and will never be easy.
It catches him off guard, and he stutters slightly, “I-I just. I need more time, Vallie. A few more months.”
He purrs my nickname. It’s like warm water down my spine. He knows what it does to me; it softens all my defenses against him. A simple word can make me so much more susceptible to his fucking bullshit.
I shake my head, chewing on my bottom lip. More tears fall from my eyes, and I use the sleeves of my shirt to wipe them just as quickly as they fall. I give him a forced, toothless smile.
“I’m done, B.” He flinches like I smacked him. I look up to the sky willing myself to get my fucking shit together. I’m done giving him time. I’m done being the one woman on this god forsaken planet he won’t be seen in public with. I’m done.
“I get it. After all these years I finally fucking get it.” I pause, glancing at the ground and wiping more tears away. My chest is burning, tightening with each word. I can barely breathe. I refuse to give him this moment of weakness though. I refuse to give him any more power over me. I refuse to let him make me feel unworthy anymore.
I raise my eyes to his. My eyes are leaking, but my gaze is strong. Bishop reaches his hand forward to wipe my tears but I jerk away, holding my palm up to him with a shaky hand.
“I thought it was because I wasn’t blonde enough. I was too tall, wasn’t tan enough, or didn’t have big enough tits.” I pause, trying to clear my throat.
“I thought I wasn’t good enough for you to claim, for you to be with. But it was never me. It’s always been you.”
Hot tears leak from my eyes. They scorch my skin all the way down.
“So thanks, B. Thank you for showing me that I deserve better.”
My heart is screaming at me, stomping her feet, beating on the walls, begging me to stay. She wants me to hug him. She wants to feel his heart next to us and seek comfort in it. But my words drop venom. I want him to hurt, to ache like I do. To feel the pain I’m feeling.
I keep my head up, even though I am crumbling inside. I turn on my heel, to walk out of the courtyard and to my taxi where I can scream in peace. I want Riggs to hug me and tell me everything will be okay. I want her to cuss Bishop out and make me laugh. I just need my best friend.
He grabs my wrist and I hate how warm it feels. How it feels like home. The only place I feel safe.
"Don't leave, not like this. You're enough, you're so much. Too much. You have to know that, Vallie, baby.”
With all the strength I have left. The last bit of gas in my emotional tank, I turn my head slightly. I pull my hand away from his grasp.
I raise my eyes up to meet the turquoise gems that have been my demise. My turmoil. My happiness and my destruction. My throat itches. My skin is crawling. Everything hurts.
Looking at him hurts. Looking at Bishop Maverick used to be my favorite thing in the world. When I was sick or sad, I'd look at him and he would…he just made everything that much better.