Now?
It just fucking wounds, it rips me to shreds, and leaves me bleeding for the wolves.
“If I am enough, let's go right back up there and tell them about us. They are your friends, Bishop. Hell, they are my friends! They’d have no problem with us dating. You can’t even tell them, how are you going to tell my dad?”
I watch the uncertainty run across him. I deserve someone who knows what they want, who knows that they love me. I don’t deserve this. Bishop’s eyes are bleeding with pain. I know this is hurting him, but not like it’s hurting me. He opens his mouth to say something, but it shuts before he does.
Coward.
Fucking coward.
“Exactly. Now, I’m fucking leaving. I’m done. I have to nurse the nonexistent hangover you so graciously told them about. Thanks for taking care of me, by the way, really fucking appreciate it,” I bite at him. I can cry later. I’ll heal my broken heart on my own, but for right now Bishop had to know I was done.
“Valor, please,” he mumbles, his voice thick with tears. I’d never seen Bishop cry before, ever. In all the years I’d known him, he’d never cried in front of me. I almost stay, I almost give in.
My poor heart bangs at the door of his, but there is no answer, with Bishop there never is.
“I deserve more. I deserve someone who is proud to love me. I deserve more than you,” I say abruptly. A group of girls walk past us and I hastily wipe the tears away. I don’t need the entire city knowing I’m crying over a guy.
“Oh look,” I scoff with a sarcastic grin on my face. “Perfect timing. Run along, I think I saw a blonde in there somewhere. You can plaster her face all over TMZ tonight. I’m sure she won’t mind. Make sure you pull the ‘what do you see in the mirror’ move, it works like a fucking charm.” I move myself away from him, forcing my body to walk.
“Valor!” he calls as I open the door to the taxi. I turn to look over my shoulder at him watching two solid tears slip from his eyes.
“We’re done, B. It’s done.”
Since I was ten years old, I’ve been infatuated with B. I’d imagined our life together, our love, and it never played out like this in my naive head. I saw him. I saw him more than anyone else, the pain, his past, and yet he still didn’t trust me with his love.
Love wasn’t supposed to feel like this, to hurt like this. Love was supposed to be given freely, and shown to the world. This was not the love I deserved. I didn’t deserve this from B, and I never deserved it from my mother.
Fuck them.
Bishop Maverick was no longer my happily ever after.
There are people in this world who say time heals all wounds. They tell us that if we give ourselves the room to grow, the hurt we felt will become a distant memory.
Those people are fucking cock sucking liars. All of them. Time doesn’t heal shit. Sure, it allows the wound to close up and scar, but the pain is still there. It never leaves. It’s a constant reminder of what you lost. What I lost.
“Bishop, Bishop! Dick for brains!”
I look over at Nico, raising my eyebrow, trying to act like he didn’t just catch me staring off into space. “Yes, honey?” I say sarcastically.
“You have a ten out of fucking ten checking you out. I’m talking lips like suction cups. She’s got that suck the fucking soul out of your head game.” He takes a sip of his beer, looking at the girl with no shame in his eyes.
Nico was straightforward. He knew what he wanted, and how he wanted it. He was crude, and a little too honest sometimes, but at least you didn’t get any bullshit when it came to him.
“You’d fuck a goat if it sat still long enough. It’s not hard to impress you, rogovoy der'mo,” Kai chimes in, with a tilt of his glass. He looks over at me shaking his head no, “Her lips look like she got them done in a Bangkok prison. Do not turn around, it’s not worth it.”
I snicker, taking a sip of my alcohol. It was always a party with these two, it never changed. Bickering back and forth constantly. What most people wouldn’t realize is that even though they argue like they hate each other it’s just brotherly love. I’ve watched Nico back check someone into the boards so hard it knocked them out because they tapped Kai’s helmet during a game.
It was dysfunctional, but it was our family.
“Apologies, master Malakai. I forget that you’re into the ones who look like they need to be spanked and locked in a basement.” Nico says.
I laugh out loud, watching as Kai flips him off before smacking the back of his head hard as fuck. Nico, being his nosey ass self, stumbled upon a whip in Kai’s house and now he never lets him live it down. I didn’t know what Kai was into when it came to sex, and I didn’t want to. If I was assuming, I’d say Nico wasn’t too far from it.
The local sports bar was crowded, but of course, we got a table after a few autographs. It was a small bar in Chicago, filled with basketball, hockey, and baseball fans. TVs filled the area. Everyone was watching some type of sport.
Another summer had come to an end. Another year playing the sport I loved. The looming preseason was hanging over our heads, but to be honest? I was excited for hockey to start up again. It gave me something to do.
My month with the Finnegans had come to an end quickly. The girls were growing like weeds, teenagers now. Very girly teenagers. They were obsessed with boy bands and the color pink. It hurt my head, but I loved every second of it. I was surrounded by people I cared about, which was all I could ask for.
Eric was still coaching and Anna was still being the light of the home. Their love grew every day. It was a beautiful thing to witness. I’d never seen a couple be more in love than those two. Spending time with them during the summers was both a blessing and a curse.
They showed me everything I’d ever wanted and everything I’d lost.
When I got back to Chicago, I had to get Kai to get my ass back in gear. Anna’s food was delicious, but the main ingredient in everything was butter. When I wasn’t working out, playing hockey or with the boys, I was alone.
I’d sit in my apartment and binge watch movies, eat takeout, maybe read a book. That was it. I sounded like an eighty-five-year-old man. I felt like it honestly. I felt like I’d been through so much shit that this was my retirement for my mind.
I’d fallen into a routine, just making my way through life. I tried to distract myself from the fact that most of the time I felt alone. I’d never felt more alone in my life than I had these past few years. I could never fall asleep, not until at least two in the morning. I’d come to realize that two a.m. wasn’t for the partiers or couples.
Two in the morning was for lonely people like me who were in love with someone they could never have.
I down the scotch, waving to my waitress for another one. I needed to burn those thoughts away. I wanted them far from my mind.
“Bishop, on a serious note, how long has it been, man?”
I choke on the fiery liquid going down my throat, not expecting that question. I cough up a right lung while Kai pats my back for support when really all it’s doing is annoying the fuck out of me. I wipe my mouth, taking a breath.
“That long, huh?” Nico remarks.
I slit my eyes at him.
“I get plenty of pussy all on my own, Southie. Thank you for your concern.”