You can do this, Valor, you can do it. I peel my eyes open, and with one final breath, I knock on the door of my past, hoping, praying…
Whoever opens doesn’t ruin my future.
I’d always found a sort of comfort being in Anna and Eric’s home. As a kid it was my safe place. When my dad was passed out on the sofa and our apartment smelled like burnt cigarettes, I’d come here. Anna would make dinner and it would fill the space with the aroma of spices, it felt like home.
Except now if feels empty because I know that my home is wherever the fuck Valor is. Buried inside of her, lying next to her, being in the same room as her, that’s home. My soft place to land. The love I've needed my entire life. It was her.
These last few months have been simultaneously amazing and shitty.
My dick has passed the stage of blue balls. They might as well be shriveled up fucking oranges at this rate. I’m respecting her space, and her decision to take things slow, but my God. My right hand is going to fall off, but my imagination of Valor is soaring to new heights.
Do you understand how fucking difficult it is to be so close to the woman you love but never being able to touch her the way you want to?
It’s a slow torture.
Whenever she is ready, I’m not letting her leave the bed for a year. A full fucking year. It has been to goddamn long since I have been inside of her. Inside of her is my fucking home, and she’s locking me out in the cold.
Today has been a good day. I constantly tease Eric about getting old. The girls are at the age where all they care about is cellphones, and Anna is gliding around the house cooking like a maniac.
I’ve enjoyed the time away from the city, from the chaos of hockey, all of it. Eric and I are in the living room going over some of my old game footage. He’d tried to record every single game I’d ever played in, but his DVR couldn’t handle that much space. Eric was the dad I always wanted. The dad I needed. I’d be forever thankful for him.
That’s why when I drop this bomb on him, he’s going to lose his shit.
“I think this year is going to be it for me.”
I’d been thinking about it for a while now. I was thirty, and hockey just wasn’t what it used to be for me anymore. At the end of this next season, I’d be thirty-one and I would have been in the NHL for fourteen years.
I still loved the game, and a part of me was always going to love the game. But I didn’t have the fire in me I used to have. So much had changed, I had changed. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. I was going to be done with hockey after this season.
Eric looks like he saw a ghost, his mouth hangs open.
“Retirement? You’re kidding! You still have four more years in you, Bishop. What’s going on in that head of yours?”
I shrug, taking a sip of my scotch. “I just think it’s time I start focusing on something else. I’m not the same fire chasing eighteen-year-old kid anymore.” I try to make the conversation light, easy, even. But Eric is still trying to come to terms.
“I’m not dying, old man. Calm down, it’s just retirement. It’s not the end of the world!” I exclaim.
“Are you sure this is what you want, kid?” His face is serious. I think he believes I’ve lost my mind and maybe I have.
Maybe I was fucking insane for wanting to retire. But I was thirty, and truthfully I wanted to start my life with Valor. I’d had fourteen great years in the NHL. I loved every second of it. I’d never regret any of my time spent on the ice.
But it was Valor’s time to shine for a little bit. From the moment I met her, she’d been at all of my games. Home and away. She alternated between wearing my jersey and her dad’s. Even though Anna and Eric couldn’t make my games, I knew I had someone cheering me on in the stands.
I have had her support my entire NHL career. Now it’s time for me to return the favor.
“Yeah, Coach. I’m sure.”
I knew what I wanted out of life, and I wanted Valor.
“Are you having some sort of midlife crisis?” he asks with concern in his voice.
I laugh, shoving his shoulder. “I’m just getting old. We all have to toss in the hat sometime. I don’t want to be out there with a walker.”
He leans back in his chair with a sigh, still trying to process I suppose. I hear a loud knock on the door, which gives me the chance to allow my words to sink in with Eric. I stand up with a chuckle.
“I’ll get the door, old man,” I state with a smile on my face.
I waltz towards the door, grabbing the handle and pulling it open with the same smile resting on it. Then I realize who is on the other side.
You know when you’re watching a movie, and you know the actor is walking into something he shouldn’t? You’re chanting over and over in your head, “don’t go in there” or “don’t open that door” because you know bad shit is on the other side of that door.
That’s what this felt like. The irony is not lost on me.
“Valor?”
She lifts her head exposing her puffy face. Her bright green eyes are a steel gray color from all the tears that she has cried. How can one person be so beautiful no matter their state of emotion? When she’s mad, she’s hot as fuck. When she’s happy, she’s gorgeous, and even when she is sad, she manages to steal all the air from me.
My first thought is who died? Is Riggs okay? Is JR alright? Why did she drive all the way from Chicago to here? How the hell did she even know how to get here?
Her response to seeing me only manages to confuse me more.
“Do you know?” she remarks.
My face screws up in a look of confusion, what the hell is she talking about?
“Do I know what? What are you doing here? Is everything okay?”
“Do you know, B? Please tell me you don’t know,” she pleads with a look so full of agony that it makes me want to break apart.
I step towards her, and she moves back from me.
God, please don’t do this to me. Fuck, don’t let her pull away again. I won’t be able to handle losing her again. This sick feeling rises in my throat. I just know that something fucking awful is about to happen and I can’t stop it.
“Do you know she’s my daughter? That’s what she wants to know.”
Valor is a fire of emotion, and Anna’s voice is gasoline. I see Vallie’s eyes move behind me, it’s as if I’m not even standing there. All she sees is the woman behind me. There is a hurricane of emotions swirling inside of her. I can see it. I can see it in her eyes.
I turn slightly, seeing Anna standing there. The confusion in my head lasts for another second before a grim realization settles in.
It was like I had been struck by lightning. All at once these puzzle pieces started to fit back together, and everything starts to add up. I’m not sure if I just hadn’t noticed the resemblance before, or maybe I had and chalked it up to a mere coincidence.
Until they were standing right in front of me.
They were a mirror image. Valor was staring at the older version of herself, and Anna was seeing what she looked like as a young woman. The long willow frames, their heart shaped faces, and soft button noses. They were carbon copy images of each other, and I’d never even fucking thought about it.