“I’m fine,” I lie.
I’m not.
I’m not fine at all, but what am I supposed to tell her?
They’re just nightmares. That’s it.
“You were dreaming again, weren’t you?” she asks.
I nod slowly, and she grabs my hand and squeezes it tightly. “If you wanna talk about it, I’m here.”
“I just … keep seeing him,” I say, biting my lip to test if I’m really awake.
“Your mother’s new boyfriend?”
“Yeah, but he’s holding a shotgun, and—” I choke up.
Lesley grabs me and pulls me toward her, hugging me tight. “It was only a dream. Just remember that.”
“I know, but what if it becomes the truth? What if these are all warning signs, and I’m ignoring them?”
“You’re not psychic, Hailey. No one can predict the future.”
“But I can’t let anything happen to her.”
She pushes me away so she can look me in the eye. “She’ll be fine. She’s a grown woman; she can handle it. And if you’re unsure, call her.”
I take in a breath and then grab my cell phone and dial my mom’s number. “Mom?” I say as someone picks up.
“You again?” It’s him. “You dare to call us after leaving your mom like that? No. You show your face first, then we talk.” Before I can reply, the phone’s cut off.
I pull the phone away from my ear and stare at it like I can’t believe he just did that.
“What happened?” Lesley asks.
“He picked up,” I say.
“Oh … fuck.”
In a fit, I throw the phone. It ends up against the wall, probably broken to bits.
“Damn, Hailey.” Lesley picks up the phone and shows me the screen, which is cracked. “Why’d you have to do that?”
I shrug. I don’t wanna think. I don’t wanna know. I just want to disappear.
“Hailey?” She snaps her fingers. “Earth to Hailey.”
I get up from the bed. “Let’s just get ready for class.”
That’s the last I speak of it.
Every time she brings it up, I change the subject until she understands that I really don’t wanna talk about it. I don’t wanna make her feel bad, so I don’t tell her directly. I know she cares about me. There’s just no way she, or anyone else, can help my mom or me.
I have a few options, and one of which is ignoring it until the pain goes away.
I always choose that option. It seems like the easiest one.
That, or getting wasted.
Just as long as I can forget.
Years ago
I stare at the bird in the tree, chirping as hard as he can. I wonder why he does that. If he feels lost. If he’s alone and afraid. Like me.
The grass tickles my toes as I inch closer on my flip-flops, trying not to scare it. I just wanna have a closer look, that’s all. I love staring at things, animals in particular. They’re so vibrant, so alive. Unlike me.
Unlike everything I’ve experienced recently. I wonder if Mom feels the same.
“What are you looking at?” Mom shouts, interrupting my thoughts.
“Shh!” I whisper, turning my head toward her. “You’ll scare it away.” I slowly point at the bird as she comes to stand behind me.
“A bird?”
“Yeah … it’s constantly singing. Why do you think it does that?” I ask.
“Maybe it’s looking for a mate,” my mom says, chuckling.
“Aww … so he is lonely …” I frown and rub my lips together.
Mom places her hand on my shoulder. “Don’t worry. I’m sure there’s another female bird in the neighborhood.”
“How do you know?” I ask.
“Well, I don’t know why. I just know it.”
I sigh. “Everything that lives eventually dies. Everyone will feel the heartbreak. Even that bird.”
She bends over and says, “Oh, Hailey …”
“It’s the truth, isn’t it?”
“Yes, but …” She smiles. “Every human and animal should be grateful for every second they spend here on earth. Life isn’t a guarantee, it’s a gift we should cherish. Just like love.”
“It’s over before you know it,” I mutter, still staring at the bird as it flutters away into the distance. “Once in a lifetime, gone, just like that.”
“You’re just saying that because you think the bird is lonely.”
“Well, it’s the truth,” I say.
“Love can always be found again,” my mom whispers. “Even if you lose it. You just have to look in the right places.”
“Even us?”
She smiles. “All of us.” Then she grabs my hand and says, “C’mon. I baked some cookies that are waiting for you.” She winks as she pulls me along. “And maybe a scoop of ice cream on top.”
A beaming smile forms on my face, and for a moment, I can forget all about the heartaches of this world.
Even if it only lasts for a moment. That moment is one I’ll cherish.
Present
Why am I doing this again?
Oh right, because I stupidly thought college was a good idea.
It would’ve been, if the dude I slept with wasn’t my fucking professor … and staring at me every other minute.
Every time he drops a question, bam, he gives me that intense look again. And each time, I blush like hell. I swear I can see him smile when I do. It’s like he thinks it’s funny. And you know what? I’m embarrassed as fuck, but I can’t keep my eyes off him either. That cocky smile just does something to me, makes me remember all the dirty things he did to me. And then I swoon all over … over a guy I can’t have.
God, this is fucked up.
But I can’t leave either.
Not again.
That would be even more embarrassing, so I stick it out until the class is over.
I pack up as quickly as I can, trying not to look at him as I get up from my seat.
But then his voice rings through the auditorium. “Oh, Hailey Walters … I still want to discuss something with you.”
I freeze in place as the other students pass me.
“I’ll see you later then,” Lesley mouths at me before walking out.
I wanted to grab her, but she was too far ahead for me to beg her to stay.
Fuck.
Now, I’m all alone with him.
I spin on my heels only to be met with a smug smile and a stare. He’s still sitting behind his desk, his hand placed firmly on the wood like he knows he’s got me cornered. Damn him.
“C’mon,” he says, beckoning me.
I step down the stairs slowly, not taking my eyes off him because I feel like he could just appear in front of me if I did. I stand in front of his desk as he looks up at me with discerning eyes that almost demand attention.
“Why so nervous?”
I swallow. “I’m not nervous.”
“I can see you fiddling your fingers.” He points, and I look down, then hide my hands behind my back, feeling caught doing something I didn’t even know I was doing.
“I just wanted to talk.”