My cheeks blush at the inflection in his voice. That, combined with the images of all the taming I did last night, only makes me go redder.
“Are you okay?” I ask, thinking of what happened after that first night with Logan.
“I just want you to be happy. And I want my best friends to be happy. We can figure everything else out.”
“I don’t deserve you, Logan Cooper,” I tell him, pulling him into the tightest hug possible. My hands savor the feel of his naked skin against mine.
“You just don’t see yourself for who you are, sweetheart,” he whispers, brushing a kiss against the top of my head. “You would leave us and never look back if you were able to see clearly how much we don’t deserve you.” He sighs and squeezes me tighter. “You save me, baby. Every day, you save me.”
“We save each other,” I whisper as I trace the line of his muscles in his back.
I just wish that were true.
Happiness can’t last forever. It’s an ugly fact of life.
For me, the happiness I’d found with Carter, Logan, and Quaid ended in Prague.
It ended because I could no longer hide that I was dying.
The nosebleeds start in Prague, and they don’t stop. Just like the rain that won’t stop pouring down on us. I try to hide it from them, saying that I hit my nose on something at first, and then blaming it on dry air that’s making me unable to heal.
My hands are shaking more than ever though, and the fucking teacup that I’m holding is clattering as I try to hold it long enough to take a drink.
The lies are ridiculous, and no one believes them. Resentment builds in the air, it’s cloying and thick, and I’m trying to ignore it. I’m desperate to ignore it as Carter glares at my trembling teacup, as if it’s done something to offend him personally.
“So why are we here, Val? The hot chocolate is delicious, but I’m sure you have something else up your sleeve,” Quaid quips half-heartedly as we people watch from under the awning at the darling café that the concierge suggested. “I had been thinking that you would want to visit London or something and show us the sights.”
The thought of London sends a pang through my chest. I would love to show them London, but that’s where my mother is. And she knows. She’d want to talk about it with me every second of every goddamn day, making me feel guilty for not doing more. She’d even use Kara against me. It’s not like she hadn’t done it before. I wasn’t about to spend my last days listening to her manipulating ploys.
Where had she been during my treatment, anyway? Had she flown in from London to make sure that I wasn’t alone?
Of course not. Hospitals were never her thing.
My heart pangs that I won’t get to see Kara one last time before the end, but that too is probably for the best. I’d rather leave my sister with the few good memories we shared together, than be her first encounter with death. It hurts how we don’t have that many memories together to begin with. My attempt to be close to her while I was at Oxford had been tainted by my mother, and I’m sure that Kara was ever able to separate who I was to her as opposed to the person my mother always wanted me to be. There was too much bad blood between us to sweep under the rug and call us a happy family. Too much of my father in me for that to be possible, that was for sure.
Shaking the morose thoughts away, I come back to the present. I gesture to the falling rain that hasn’t let up in the few days we’ve been here.
“We’re going to dance in the rain,” I tell him calmly, not feeling silly at all that I’ve dragged them to Prague for something like that.
Someone laughs nearby, and the sound beats through my brain. I’ve had a constant headache for the last few days, and my pills no longer seem to be working. Waving the waitress over, I ask for a cup of coffee, hoping that the spike of caffeine will help.
I feel Carter’s watchful eyes on me, just like always. He’s asked me what’s wrong too many times to count today, and at my refusal to give him the answer he needs, Carter gets up in a huff and stalks out.
I know I’m being an idiot. I know that at this point, my subterfuge is useless, but I don’t even know what to say. But that has always been my problem. I’ve never known how to shield them from the pain that my truth will forever inflict.
I can’t coldly announce it in the same way I gave my mother the news. But then again, aside from Kara, she didn’t need me to use kid gloves on her. I know she believes she loves me in her own way, but I doubt she will spend much time thinking about me after the funeral. Maybe Kara will remind her she used to have another daughter from time to time. I doubt Adrienne will do it out of her own volition once I’m gone. I had always been unfinished business for her, but with my death, so ends her motherly obligation.
The same cannot be said about the men I’ve loved my entire life. They are my soulmates. They are a part of me, and I’m a part of them.
How do you tell your soulmates goodbye?
I’m not sure that I can.
I sigh as I look at Carter’s retreating back. Logan and Quaid don’t say anything to comfort me, they’re just as upset with me. They just can’t get themselves to walk away. If anything, they’ve been attached even more to me, getting twitchy if I’m out of their presence for more than a few minutes.
Carter doesn’t come back during the time it takes for me to get and drink my coffee. When I’m finished, we stand up to go, and I sway on my feet as a wave of dizziness hits me. The world blurs around me briefly, and I’m shocked that I managed to stay on my feet when the world finally comes back into focus.
Quaid was already walking away, so he didn’t notice, but Logan is standing right there, looking scared to death. He grabs my arm and drags me through the café, not stopping until we’re outside, nestled into an alcove out of the public eye.
He gives me a small shake. “You are fucking destroying me, Valentina. Please fucking trust us enough to let us help. I can’t continue like this. I can’t.”
He lets me go and grabs his hair in distress. “Please,” he begs, tears clogging his throat.
I don’t answer, I just grab his hand and pull him out into the rain. I’d once read in a book that the rain in Prague had magical powers. You could do anything after a walk down its streets in the rain.
Even be brave.
We’re due for our river cruise down the Vltava in just an hour, so we set off through the rain to where the boat is docked. Carter attempts to chain-smoke the entire way, while Quaid scowls at anyone who glances at us.
We’re a merry bunch for sure.
We’re almost there when another dizzy spell comes on. The world tilts and swirls around me, and before I know it, I’m crumpling to the cobblestone street below me. My head hits with a sharp crack.
And then there’s nothing.
Chapter 12
Then
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Logan
The Valentina I have pledged my heart and soul to doesn’t exist anymore.
She’s turned into someone unrecognizable to me—a ghost of her former lust-for-life self. Her olive tone complexion is pale and ashen, the dark circles under her eyes announcing her restless cry filled nights. She hasn’t uttered a word to anyone in the past two days. Not during this afternoon’s funeral services, and not now during the wake that’s being held at her house. Mourners have come up to her to offer their sincere condolences, and she hasn’t acknowledged even one. Not a simple nod or a solemn word.