Not in my state, not with so much alcohol in my veins.
“I don’t know what I expected.”
Tobias comes for me as the threatening tears finally fall. “No,” I shake my head over and over. “I left my fiancé. I left my whole life…I’m so damned stupid,” I say as the first tear falls.
“Cecelia, don’t—”
“What must you think of me now,” my breath hitches as my heart scatters at my feet. “Have you ever once missed me? Have you ever wondered what would have happened between us had it all gone down a different way?”
“I’m not doing this.” He closes the space, gripping my elbow again and unlocks my rental with the fob before he ushers me inside, tossing my purse on my lap before leaning in to buckle me in. “I’ve got it,” I snap, clicking my seat belt before he rounds the car and gets behind the steering wheel.
He turns over the ignition, and I lean back cradled in the leather and just stare at him, utterly lost. I feel too damned much and always have. I don’t care if he sees it now. Let him. My foolish heart brought me here, and it’s been completely drained of all hope. So be it.
Because if he’s truly moved on, if he loves her, if he’s happy…I suffocate in my skin as I look over at him. He didn’t want me to see her, or maybe he’s glad I did. Maybe he’s never taken me seriously because of my past with his brothers. But for me, what Tobias and I had was sacred.
Exposed and raw, I watch him in the dim blue cabin light as he turns out of the parking lot and onto Main Street.
“Tobias—”
“Just go to sleep.”
“I’ve slept enough,” I sniff, as tears I can’t deny begin falling one after the other. “I was asleep my whole life until I came here.”
“Cecelia,” he sighs. “It was a long time ago. Everyone has moved on.”
I reach out and tentatively stroke his jaw with shaking fingers, unbelieving he’s sitting next to me. The minute my touch lands, his eyes close briefly. “It wasn’t that long ago. Do you love her?”
“Love,” he tilts his head, withdrawing from my touch. “It’s always about love with you.”
“That’s why all this started, isn’t it? The love of your mother, your parents, the love of your brothers, a promise to protect each other, and the ones who couldn’t protect themselves.” I swallow, my words coming out dry. “But you keep throwing me in the fire when I’m the one who loves you most.”
He snaps his gaze toward me and stares at me for long seconds before focusing back on the road.
“I wish I could move on,” I sigh, turning back to stare at the dark road ahead as we pass the rest of the city lights. “Collin, that was my fiancé, he didn’t deserve what I did to him. I’ll never forgive myself for hurting him.”
I run my fingers along my cheeks, but it’s useless. I’m not wasting a second with him. It’s time to confess.
“That first year was the hardest.” I turn in my seat to face him, my cheek resting on the fabric. “I got on the highway no less than a hundred times, on my way here, back to you. And the whole time, I prayed you were on your way for me too. That you didn’t mean it when you sent me away, that you were grieving, and you didn’t mean it when you told me not to come back.”
Silence.
“School saved me in a way. In the summers, I fled to France. I explored every part of that country. It was a dream. I fell in love. It was everything I hoped it would be.” I swallow. “I saw a few familiar tattoos while I was there. But you wouldn’t know anything about that, would you?”
Silence. Not a single tell.
“I even took a trip to Saint-Jean-de-Luz. Your finish line is beautiful, Tobias. A dream.” His expression remains stoic. “I was hoping so much that you were watching. Hoping that you were proud of me,” I sniff as years of sadness and longing creep up on me. It’s only been a few weeks and I’m unraveling. I was nowhere near prepared for this.
“See, in my new life, I couldn’t make a move without you in mind, hoping every day you saw what happened mattered to me, changed me.”
I study his face carefully, and he gives away nothing.
“I threw myself into school, into my plans. By the time I graduated with my masters, I’d already started my company. I did it mostly for me, but the whole time I had you in the back of my mind. Hoping that you saw what I was doing was honoring Dominic.” I stifle a sob and collect myself enough to speak. “Even though you all refused to let me in, I wanted to play my part.” Throat burning, I get lost in the years I spent away. “Then Collin came along, and he was so…gentle, so understanding, sexy, so…safe to love, and I let him fall for me knowing…”
Tobias drives on, his expression impenetrable as if he’s not even listening, but I know he hears every word.
“I wasn’t the lonely girl anymore. I had a life, a business, friends, and a fiancé who adored me. I did everything I was supposed to do. I took all those steps to ensure I had a full life, a life I forced myself into because I had no choice.”
He pulls onto the road leading to the house, and I will myself to finish.
“So day by day, I lived this life hoping it would be enough, praying that I could forget this place, forget you, hate you, but at night…when I dream,” an angry sob bursts out of me as the full weight of my fate overcomes me with grief. “The dreams won’t let me forget. I’ve tried everything, and I can’t move on. I can’t. So that’s why I came home, and you, God, I thought if I could just face this, it would make me stronger, braver, but all it’s made me is a bigger fool.” I shake my head. “I’m not supposed to admit this to you because of how pathetic it makes me, but I’ve been riddled with grief and guilt since I left, and I’m done lying to myself.” I run my sleeve along my nose and gaze over at him to see him looking straight at me. “Because the life I truly want doesn’t have a thing to do with perfection. It’s the farthest thing from safe, and the man I want is anything but gentle.”
And with that, I pass out.
I rouse to the feel of his hands. A faint caress on my breasts as he slowly unbuttons my shirt.
“Tu penses que tu peux juste revenir après tout ce temps et dire de telles choses…” You think you can just come back after all this time and say these things…
I stifle my moan as the silk is drawn away, leaving me in my lace bra. My nipples pebble under his breath as his hands faintly roam, the lightest brush of his fingers sending tsunami pulses up my spine. I fight the alcohol fog I’m drifting in and out of to bring myself back to him.
“Je baise mon poing tous les jours en pensant à toi.” I fuck my fist to you every day. He unbuttons my slacks and slowly pulls them down. “Et je te déteste pendant tout.” And I hate you the whole time.
Briefly, he buries his head in my neck, his warm, nicotine-laced breath stirring every memory of intimacy we shared. My limbs tremble as I rouse from my whiskey coma and fight myself to keep from clutching him to me. But I opt to play comatose, my obliterated hopes sparking with every word he speaks.