Chapter Sixteen
As Nat waited for the kettle to boil, she did her best to push all thoughts of online poker from her mind. But she couldn’t. Nor could she believe it had taken losing the five thousand dollars Phyllie had given her to push her towards looking for some help. She’d lost it all in a matter of days. She had a problem. Her first thought when she saw her bank account once again empty was: where could she get more money from? In retrospect, she should have felt the horror that she’d now burned through fifteen thousand dollars in the poker rooms and still had no means to pay back the credit card. It had to stop. As much as she loved the buzz when she was winning, the extreme despair she felt when she lost told her it was not okay to continue.
She contemplated talking to Damien again, but if it got back to Hannah, she’d be mortified. Instead, she started with online research. She’d heard of Gamblers Anonymous but wasn’t sure she was ready to face people in public by going to meetings. She’d now read plenty of articles about gambling addiction and taken numerous questionnaires that all told her what she already knew: she had a problem. What had interested her was a site called Gambler’s Aid. It offered all sorts of advice, the opportunity to talk to experts, and it had a chat room.
She’d spent a few hours reading through chat conversations. The people were incredibly friendly and supportive. The first tip, after deactivating her poker account, appeared to be to put blockers in place to prevent her accessing any sites. Was she so weak she’d need to put blocks in place?
She searched in the chat room hoping to find someone who said they’d turned their losing streak around and were now winning. Imagine if she could do that too. Just a few decent wins would get her back on track and start her kitty again. She shook herself as the thoughts plagued her and confirmed, yes, she was weak enough to require blocks to be put in place.
She watched one conversation with interest. Two women were discussing the fact that their husbands were the gamblers, not them. One, BrownDog40, was asking how she should confront her husband. That was one thing Nat had in her favour at least; she didn’t have to answer to anyone. Imagine admitting to your partner or family that you’d spent their life savings. It seemed that’s what LizaE had gone through. Her thoughts shifted to Hannah as she thought about having to tell people. There was no way she’d ever tell Hannah, she could imagine her reaction. She’d be shocked but in a smug way. She’d give her the you’re such a loser look she managed to convey so frequently without even speaking. It must be nice to be Hannah, to have everything streamlined. Her finances in order, a well-paid job and a husband who earned good money. They were living the life of a perfect fairy-tale family. Even Amy had smartened up according to Phyllie, since Bear’s arrival. The perfect nuclear family. It made Nat’s skin prickle with annoyance just thinking about it. She was sure she wouldn’t feel that way if she had a sister she could relate to or even talk to without feeling judged.
She wondered, watching the conversation unfold, why LizaE was still visiting the chat room months later if it was her husband that had the issue rather than her. It seemed a little strange. She also noticed that BrownDog40 had asked her for details of how she’d confronted her husband and what his reaction had been. LizaE was providing a lot of details, but she still hadn’t answered this question. Maybe she was pretending it was her husband who had the problem when it was actually her, so a confrontation had never happened? She decided to ask.
PinkFish88
Hey LizaE, I’m intrigued by your understanding of gambling addiction and the advice you’re giving BrownDog40. Are you sure it isn’t you that had the problem?
LizaE
Hey to you too, PinkFish88. No, not me with the gambling problem. Although I guess you could argue it is as my financial ruin is a result of gambling addiction. This chat room has given me great insight into what addicts are facing. My husband doesn’t like to talk much about what’s going on in his head, so this helps me at least have a vague idea. What’s your story? Why are you here?
Nat stared at the screen. That served her right. She didn’t want to get into a conversation about herself; she’d just been interested in finding out whether this person was misrepresenting who they were. It was so easy to do in the online world. But her explanation did sound reasonable. And even if she was lying, what did Nat care? She was only lying to herself. Another message appeared on the screen.
BrownDog40
Welcome, PinkFish88!
They knew she’d been eavesdropping. Not that she really was. If you posted in a public forum, then anyone could read it and join in. She took a deep breath, reminding herself she had come here for help. Her fingers glided across the keys.
PinkFish88
Thanks for the welcome. I’ve only recently been introduced to online poker but have managed to run up a debt of fifteen grand since I have. Quite an accomplishment really in less than five weeks. I came here partly looking for help in quitting and partly hoping someone would have a miracle solution as to how to win! Yes, I realise that even admitting that makes me look bad.
LizaE
Not bad, PinkFish88, just honest, which is refreshing. Have you told anyone?
PinkFish88
Just my new chat room buddies, being you two. My brother-in-law knows that there’s a problem, but he hasn’t pushed it too much with me.
LizaE
I found confiding in someone else helped. The chat room support is great, but having someone you can sit down and have a coffee with is better. I told my brother. He’s been a fantastic support.
PinkFish88
It’s not your problem though. You’re asking for support for something your husband has done rather than admitting you’ve completely stuffed up. Has your husband told anyone or is he too ashamed?
LizaE
Fair call. I think the people at the GA meetings are probably the only ones Doug’s told. He’s embarrassed and would be mortified if he knew my brother was aware of all the details. But I’ve needed him. He’s the one person I can rely on to be positive, no matter how things unfold. He’s not judged Doug either, which I love him for. He recognises his problem as an illness, which it is. He’s helped me see this too. At first, I was just angry. I even considered leaving him.
BrownDog40
I’d want to know if my sister was in this kind of trouble. I’d be shocked, but I’d do everything in my power to get her help. I’d hate to think she was going through something like this alone.
PinkFish88
It sounds like you have much better relationships with your siblings than I do. My sister would shake her head in disgust and reel off a list of all of my failures to date. I’ll admit, it’s a reasonably long list, but I’m not sure what she thinks it achieves to rub it in my face. Perhaps it makes her feel better about her boring life.
BrownDog40
She sounds like a bitch. What about a friend then, or someone more supportive in your family?
Nat thought for a moment. Aside from Damien, the one person she probably could confide in would be Phyllie, although she’d be gutted to tell her about the five thousand. But Phyllie was practical in her approach to life. She’d help Nat put in steps to make sure she never revisited the poker sites. But she’d lied to her about so many things. She hated to disappoint her grandmother.