Smiling, I broke away from Adam and beckoned for Mum to come and dance with me while Adam did the same to Nell.
I couldn’t take my eyes off Adam as he twirled Nell around the dance floor and I remember now with clarity the happiness that filled me as I watched them.
My husband. My best friend.
I never thought I’d lose him.
Never thought I’d lose them both.
Part Two
‘We can’t always fix things for those we love.’
PATRICIA ADLINGTON – ANNA’S MUM
Chapter Fourteen
Adam
There was a pub called The Star. It was a bit of a dump but when I had first moved here, over two years ago now, the name had made me smile when I’d driven past it.
‘Fancy going out for a drink?’ I had asked Anna when I arrived home. ‘You’ve a pub named after you, Star!’
‘I’m living the dream,’ she had laughed.
The floors were always sticky and the very fabric of the place stank of cigarettes, but still we came regularly with Josh and Nell to play pool. Not many pubs had games rooms anymore, or dark wooden beams that striped the ceiling. It was a contrast to the other local pubs that were part of a chain. Here, we were largely ignored by the older clientele who perched on stools at the bar, nursing frothy pints of ale, leaving us to sprawl in front of the crackling fire and chat without too-loud music or extortionately priced beers.
Tonight, Anna was distracted; she picked up her glass of orange juice and put it straight back down again onto a battered mahogany table that wobbled on its spindly legs. I knew she was thinking about her appointment tomorrow. Our appointment tomorrow. There was a lot riding on it but for now I just wanted to relax, have a good time.
‘Hey,’ I nudged her lightly with my elbow. ‘It’s your shot.’
She picked up her cue and bent over the table, her denim skirt stretching. I couldn’t help checking her out. Before we had married, I had wondered what sleeping with the same woman for the rest of my life might be like, but I was just as attracted to her as ever. More so.
Anna’s tongue poked out between her teeth the way it always did when she was concentrating. She jabbed the white ball and potted a yellow.
‘That would be very impressive,’ I said, ‘if we weren’t red.’
‘Shit, are we? Sorry.’
‘We thought you two losers needed a chance,’ I called across to Josh and Nell. Nell didn’t bat back one of her usual sarcastic replies. She’d been quiet all evening too. We all took another shot and then it was Anna’s turn again.
‘Red?’ she questioned.
‘Red.’ I tried not to get annoyed. It was only natural that she was worried about tomorrow but then she was always worried. I just wanted one night without thinking about it all.
I watched as she thwacked a red ball into the black, which in turn dropped into the pocket, awarding Josh and Nell the victory.
‘That was a waste of fifty pence,’ I said lightly.
‘Well, if the money means that much to you,’ Anna snapped.
‘Hey.’ I held up my hands. ‘I was just kidding.’
‘No. I’ll give you back your fifty pence.’ She unzipped her purse and tipped a pile of coins on the table, and there it was: her grandad’s coin, which had passed between us several times since the wedding. We both stared at it before Anna scooped everything back into her purse except her grandad’s coin, which she stuffed into my pocket. She wound her arms around my neck and buried her face in my shoulder.
From over the top of Anna’s head I caught the furrow of anxiety between Josh’s eyebrows. He was worried about the way we’d begun to bicker, but I couldn’t expect him to understand the pressure we were under. He mouthed, ‘Drinks?’ and I nodded.
‘Are you Lonesome Tonight?’ began playing from the jukebox – not our song but close enough – and I pressed Anna’s body against mine and began to sway.
‘I’m not in the mood.’ Anna pushed me away. It was only in my head I replied, ‘You never are.’
We lounged on our usual sofa, watching the flames dance in the grate. Josh returned with a tray of drinks. I eyed his glass of frothy pale beer thirstily before picking up my lemonade.
‘So.’ Nell tore apart a beer mat. Separating the layers of cardboard. ‘I’ve news.’
‘What?’ Anna gently took the mat away and held her hand. I think we all expected from Nell’s sombre expression for the news to be bad.
‘You know Chris?’
I nodded. Know was a bit of a stretch. She had brought him to play pool with us a couple of times but it had been uncomfortable with Josh glaring at him, and anyway, you couldn’t play doubles with five people. We hadn’t felt bad when he didn’t come back; Nell’s boyfriends never seem to last beyond three dates.
‘I’m moving in with him.’
‘What?’ Anna looked hurt and I’m guessing this was the first she had heard about this.
‘It’s all happened so quickly,’ Nell shrugged. ‘I haven’t had time to tell you.’
Josh stalked away and I felt his pain. He had claimed his one kiss with Nell at our wedding but there hadn’t been anything between them since and I knew he was hoping that one day she would see him as more than just a friend. Minutes later he returned with a bottle of fizz and four glasses.
‘It’s great news.’ He popped open the bottle and it was probably only me who could detect the tell-tale set of his jaw implying that he thought it was anything but great.
He frothed out the bubbling champagne and we toasted Nell and Chris, telling her that we’d like to get to know him better. The alcohol went straight to my head, I hadn’t drunk for such a long time. Anna barely touched hers. I knew she wouldn’t mind driving home.
‘You’re okay about this?’ Nell asked us all, but she was looking at Josh.
‘If you like him, we like him.’ Josh raised his glass. ‘But if he hurts you, I’ll break his fucking legs.’
On the drive home my head was fuzzy. Josh and I had finished the bottle between us and a headache was forming behind my eyes.
I stole a glance at Anna, hunched over the steering wheel. Tension radiating from her.
‘You can’t blame me for having a drink tonight,’ I said.
‘Can’t I?’ she snapped.
‘Anna, it’s been well over a year.’
‘For me too! Don’t you think I miss it? No, of course you don’t, you never think of anything except yourself,’ she was shouting and I couldn’t help shouting back.
‘That’s not bloody fair and you know it.’ I fought to regain my composure. ‘I want a baby as much as—’
‘Do you? Do you though? You wouldn’t know it from the way you were knocking back those drinks.’
‘A few glasses of champagne won’t hurt.’
‘How do you know why I can’t fall pregnant? How do we know?’ She wrenched the steering wheel and violently we left the road, bumping down a rutted track into a clearing in the forest. It was pitch black under the towering trees. She turned to me, but instead of fury in her face, there was nothing but sadness. ‘How do we know?’ she asked again, this time quietly.