“So, how are you?” he says and, before I can answer, he continues, “You look great. Though I don’t know if I’m allowed to say that.”
“Thanks, though I don’t know if you’re allowed to say that either. But it’s true. In fact, I look stunning.” I’m kinda joking, but I’m also kinda pissed. If I look so great, Neil, then why did you dump me? I fiddle with my earring as we wait for Eric to bring Neil’s coffee.
Neil gives a small laugh, probably not sure how to respond either. “Well, you always look great. But you seem really tan. Have you been anywhere?”
I purposely littered my Facebook page with photos from my trip, but his tone seems innocent. “I just got back from Costa Rica.”
“Wow!” His eyes grow wide. “Good for you. You’ve always wanted to go. That’s great.” He’s rambling again. “How was it? What did you do?”
“It was amazing. I meditated and did yoga every morning; went hiking, snorkeling, and zip-lining in the afternoons; and ate lots of healthy delicious vegan food.” I take a sip of my tea. “You would’ve hated it.”
He laughs genuinely this time. “You’re right. I would’ve. You lost me with the meditation and yoga.” He shakes his head. “But I’m happy to hear you took that trip.”
Eric arrives with Neil’s coffee. “Your decaf.”
“Thanks,” Neil says smiling up at him.
I want him to look like a rat bastard in front of Eric, but instead he looks pleasant. I hate him.
Eric nods politely and puts his hand on my shoulder. “And how are you doing, Allison? Would you like some more tea?”
“I’m good, Eric. Thank you.”
“Okay. Let me know if you need anything.” We look at each other for a couple seconds, and I can tell he’s trying to read the expression behind my eyes.
“Will do. Thanks,” I say, hopefully conveying that I’m okay, for now.
He squeezes my shoulder and nods, as if to convey that he’s there if I need moral support as well as caffeine.
After Eric walks back to the counter, Neil looks around The Cauldron and says, “I wish this place opened when I was still living here.”
Ouch. “Yes. So, how’s Stacey?”
He shifts uncomfortably. “She’s fine. Doing well.” He plays with his mug. “What about you? Dating anyone?”
Is he kidding???! This is terrible. I lean back in my chair and cross my arms. “Does it really matter?” I give him a look, and I can’t keep the bitterness out of my voice.
“I’m sorry,” he says, finally looking pathetic.
“So you wanted to meet up. Here we are. What would you like to talk about?”
He keeps his eyes down on his coffee. “I just wanted to see how you’re doing. I’m a horrible person and now that I’m going to be a father … I don’t know … I guess I just wanted to make sure you’re okay and that we’re okay.”
“Closure?”
“Yeah, that,” he says quietly, looking up. “I heard about your job too. I’m sorry about that.”
“Why? You didn’t fire me. Actually, technically you did fire me as your fiancée, but not from Worldwide.” I want to kill him. “Anyway, I’m working again now. I’ve started a consulting business and am thinking of doing some volunteer work. And I’m much happier.”
“Good. You deserve to be.”
And because I can’t take his politeness anymore I get to the point. “So I need to know why, Neil. Why Stacey? What happened with us? When did you fall out of love with me?” He looks squirmy under my direct questioning, but I’m not going to let him leave without knowing the why. “If this is it? If this is our closure, you need to tell me everything.”
His big brown eyes I used to love look at me earnestly. “I’m sorry, Allison. It wasn’t that I fell out of love. Honestly, I wasn’t ever sure that it was love.”
The background noise in the café disappears as everything goes silent in my head. I hold on to the table, trying to remain seated as the world tips sideways. When Neil first broke up with me, he pulled the rug out from under our relationship; but with this revelation, he’s now destroyed the entire foundation. I struggle to breathe normally. Okay, maybe I don’t want to know everything.
But then I think, No. Be strong, Allison. I’ve come here for closure, and I need to stay to get the answers I want, no matter how shocking or painful.
Since I haven’t responded yet, Neil continues, “When we met, I was blown away that this gorgeous, smart girl was into me. And dating you was so easy. Even moving in together was easy. You were always so flexible. You never got mad. Everyone loved you. And there was absolutely nothing wrong with our relationship.” He pauses. “But something just never felt quite right. In a weird way, it was like I never knew who you were.”
“So, you’re blaming me?” I ask. What nerve!
“No! Not at all.” He puts up his hands and seems to backtrack. “But I guess … I don’t know. I didn’t know what you were passionate about. What made you tick? When we met, you loved to run and ran marathons and told me you’d done triathlons, which was pretty intimidating to me since I’m more of a golf-on-the-weekends guy. But then here was this thing you loved to do, and then you stopped doing it so we could spend more time together. And while that was nice, I never asked you to. And so I always felt guilty. Especially since I didn’t give up my Sunday golf game with my friends. Also, you used to always experiment in the kitchen and cook these healthy dinners or try to make me smoothies in the morning. But, let’s be honest, I’m a simple guy, meat and potatoes or just some pizza is fine with me. So then you stopped cooking and accommodated yourself to me so we could eat together, and again that made me feel guilty.”
“So because I know the meaning of compromise, I wasn’t the one? A nice-girls-finish-last sorta thing?”
“Not at all. That’s what made me propose. Here you were doing everything for me, so why wouldn’t I marry you? But even our honeymoon, I knew you wanted to have an exotic adventure, while I just wanted to chill out on a beach with a drink in my hand. And though you tried convincing me, you also capitulated pretty quickly. I kinda wanted a fight on it, to see where you stood. I wanted you to fight for something.”
“But by compromising, wasn’t I fighting for us?”
“I don’t know. It made me wonder.” He shrugs helplessly. “Would that have been a great future? Did we really have anything in common? Would you always compromise and would I always feel guilty that you did so?”
If this is the real reason for our breakup, then this seems like a conversation we should have had earlier on in our relationship. I lean forward and say in a low voice, “Listen, you don’t get to be the good, considerate guy here. Having doubts doesn’t absolve you of what you did.” I put my hands on either side of the table to steady myself. “You cheated on me with my maid of honor.”
“I know, I know. I’m sorry. I can’t believe I did that. I don’t even really know how it happened.” He finally looks suitably ashamed and I roll my eyes. “Okay, okay. I guess I do. I was getting cold feet. Stacey was always flirtatious with me, and, well, I don’t think the details matter. But then she told me she was pregnant and planned to keep the baby. You were going to find out everything, and so my only choice was to break up with you before the wedding. What else could I do?”