Please, don’t. Not yet. I can’t bear the thought of you walking away.
“You’re fine, Carla.”
“Yeah, right, I’m fine.”
“You are.”
“And you are—beautiful.”
She burned a stare into Janice that was even more powerful than her sudden statement. Janice reacted with a pulse she was certain Carla could see and her skin was so hot and sensitive she was certain she’d come very close to dying at the slightest of touch. Carla had flipped a switch in her and everything she’d tried so hard to keep in check was crashing through and no longer was it possible to hide.
“That’s why I can’t ever seem to stop looking at you,” Carla said. “That’s why I didn’t want you to change when we came in from the rain. I like the way you look when you’re—wet. Like the way you looked that day when you found me in your bedroom. I like it a lot. But honestly, Janice, I like the way you look all the time.”
Janice gripped the armrest. She stared right back into her. Nothing and no one could’ve made her stop. But the hunger in Carla dimmed slightly. Her eyes tried to close. She gripped her forehead.
“Fuck.” She was trying to fight back against her fatigue, blinking and widening her eyes. “I’m not going to make it much longer. So, please, hear me now, okay? I need you to hear me.”
Janice swallowed. “Okay.”
“I’ve always been in awe of you, Janice. In awe of your beauty, your intelligence, your heart. I don’t know why I never said so. I don’t know why I didn’t face that within myself. I don’t even know why I’m telling you now when I know I probably shouldn’t. I just suddenly feel compelled to tell you. I just suddenly feel like you should know. You should’ve always known.”
Janice couldn’t breathe and she touched her throat as she spoke. “Carla, I—”
“It shouldn’t have mattered that you probably wouldn’t ever have felt the same about me. It shouldn’t have. I probably feared that. I probably feared that rejection and feared losing your friendship over my feelings because they made you uncomfortable. Hell, I fear those things now. But I can’t let that fear stop me. You are incredible and you need to know that.”
She glanced down at the coffee table.
“I’m not going to make a move on you or anything. I wouldn’t—do that.” She blinked again against the fall of her heavy eyelids. Her head tried to tilt back but she recovered. “Not unless…not unless…you don’t have to worry.” Her speech was fading along with the meaning of her last sentence.
Janice replied quickly, knowing she was slipping away.
“I would never ever worry about that, Carla. Actually, my feelings are quite the contrary.”
Carla blinked at her and Janice waited, agonizing, wondering if she had enough clarity in her to make sense of what she’d just said.
“I don’t—” She blinked some more, her eyes on the brink of closing for good. “Understand.”
“Carla.” Janice leaned toward her, knowing she was losing her. “I want you to make a move on me.”
Carla’s eyes closed and her head limped to the side. Janice tapped her arm. “Carla? Carla?”
No, no, no, no. Not now.
She stepped over her feet and sat next to her. She touched her face, gently turned her toward her.
“Carla?”
“Wha?” Her eyes opened halfway and fell shut again.
“Wonderful. I finally tell you the truth and you aren’t even conscious.” She sighed. “Another repeat of your first night here.”
“Janice,” she whispered. She opened her eyes again and tried to keep them that way. But it appeared to be a great struggle. “Janice.” She took Janice’s hand and placed it on her upper thigh. The firm feel of her lean muscle and hot skin caused Janice to close her own eyes.
Carla pressed down on her hand.
“I haven’t been touched—so long,” she said.
Janice shivered and looked at her. Honey colored slits of iris reflected the candlelight. Her hand controlled Janice’s, attempting to move it up and down her thigh. Janice grazed her fingertips slowly up her leg and then back down.
Carla made a sound and bit her lower lip. Her delight was obvious and Janice nearly groaned, completely moved in knowing she was making her feel this way. But she couldn’t continue.
Carla made another noise, this one of longing and disappointment. She tightened her grip on Janice’s wrist.
“Please.”
Janice spoke softly in her ear. “I can’t.”
Carla moaned and tried to open her eyes. She mumbled and then said two words again, very clearly.
“Touch me.”
Janice fought for breath and some semblance of sanity. Her lust for Carla, to touch her, to make her feel good, was mere seconds away from drowning the sparse amount of rationality left in her mind.
Carla pressed on her hand as if she knew Janice was hesitating. “Janice. I want you—”
Oh, my fucking God. She was so tempted it literally hurt, her chest tightening like a vice. She pulled away, panicked by the temptation she had to give in to her.
Carla been through so much and she’d finally come through the other end. Now all that stress and heartache was leaving her, and she no longer had to carry it. Her mind and body were exhausted, but they were giving it one last hoorah in trying to get Janice for some needed touch and affection before finally shutting down. But she couldn’t do it. If and when she ever got to touch Carla intimately, she wanted her fully awake and focused on her. She wanted to look into her eyes and watch her face as pleasure coursed through her. She wanted to talk to her, engage with her and listen to her cries. To have all that, she’d wait an eternity if she had to.
She stood and tugged on her arms. “Time to get you to bed, darlin.”
Carla groaned in obvious defiance but managed to stumble to her feet.
They made it down the hall arm in arm and Carla collapsed onto her bed before Janice could ease her down. She clung to Janice, refusing to release her.
“Stay,” she said. “Here with me.”
She pulled on Janice’s arm.
“I can’t, Carla.”
Not tonight. Not with you in this condition.
Carla curled up on her side and attempted to open her eyes. When she seemed to focus on Janice, she let out a laugh, surprising her.
“So stupid. I’m so stupid.” She curled herself tighter. “Love hurts. Always gonna hurt. I can’t…” Her eyes fell closed. “Hurt anymore.”
Janice winced, her chest now tightening around her heart. The words came from pain, from within Carla, and now they were infiltrating her, causing more. She’d been right all along. Carla’s feelings for her couldn’t combat the lingering damage to her heart.
Despite the way they both felt about one another, it couldn’t happen. To pursue anything further would ultimately only cause more pain.
To her.
And to Carla.
But it was devastating to finally concede it.
She covered Carla with a blanket. Then she knelt and kissed her just below her ear.
“Sweet dreams, Stargazer.”
Chapter Twenty