Maurine’s eyes flew open as if she’d just heard her reference to time. “Years? How could it have been years? How did this—when did you—”
“It started the night Carla came out.”
“And she said she didn’t influence you when she obviously did. And you’re telling me not to be upset with her?”
“Listen. Okay? I need you to really listen.” She took a breath and started in, confessing things she’d never thought she’d be able to confess. Not even to Maurine.
“When Carla told us she was gay, something happened inside of me. I was immediately struck and…excited. My heart raced and my skin burned, and I couldn’t stop looking at her. It was like I had been jolted awake, jolted to attention. And there she was. Right in front of me. This woman I had known for as long as I can remember, whom I always had love for and admired and thought beautiful, suddenly came to life in front of me. Almost like a blooming flower. One I had never seen fully open before. She was captivating. And hearing that she was attracted to women and wanted to be with women, well, that just sent me over the edge. I got lost in delirium imagining that. And eventually, got lost in delirium imagining her being with me.”
Maurine glanced away and it seemed difficult for her to speak.
“You didn’t tell me.”
“How could I? I wasn’t even sure what exactly was happening. I was as surprised and confused by my feelings as you are now. Even when I figured things out and halfway understood my feelings, I knew you wouldn’t take it well. And I knew why. I’m your best friend. Carla is your niece. We’re both women. I didn’t expect you to just accept it.”
Janice softened her tone. “And the way you react to news you don’t like, didn’t encourage me to confide in you. I feared you shutting me out, rejecting me. I feared losing you.”
Maurine turned toward the window. “I understand,” she said. “I can see why you’d be afraid to come to me.” She sighed and laughed a little. “And here I’ve been scared that you and Carla’s closeness would lead to your rejection of me. I feel so stupid, now. I’ve been acting like such a jerk.”
She met Janice’s gaze. “I’m sorry for that, Jay Jay. I am. But honestly, I’m still not sure how to take this. Or even what to say. It’s like I just walked in on you and Carla in bed all over again. I feel like I don’t know you, or even if I ever really did.” She shook her head. “I don’t mean that in a bad way. I just—I thought we were best friends.”
“We are.”
“Then I should’ve known. Whether you were able to tell me or not.”
“What would you have done had you known sooner?”
“I don’t know.”
“Understand? Be supportive?”
She sighed. “I wish I could say yes, but I’d be lying. Truth is…I woulda freaked out. I guess that means I’m not such a good friend after all. Because I’m sitting here, taking this in and really hearing you but I still can’t make this feel okay.”
“Do you love me?” Janice asked.
Maurine sniffled as if tears were going to come. “Yes.”
“Right now, after everything I’ve just told you?”
“Yes.”
“Do you love Carla?”
Her face clouded but with what looked like anguish and guilt rather than anger.
“Yes.”
“I do too, Maurine. I’m in love with her.”
“Are you…sure?”
“Yes. And she loves me.”
Maurine grew quiet and Janice gave her some time to process.
“And we both love you,” Janice finally said.
“Carla’s angry. She has every right to be. I hurt her.”
“She still loves you. She always will. Just as I will. Whether you choose to accept me for who I am or not. I love you. Rain or shine.”
“Lord,” she said as she stood and came to sit next to her. “I can’t sit here and let my feelings ruin what we have. This ain’t about me.” She opened her arms and pulled Janice into a firm hug and kissed her cheek repeatedly. “I got to quit thinking about my own feelings so much.” She gripped her arms tightly and looked at her with deep sincerity. “I’m still in shock and all and I’m still trying to make sense of this and exactly how it is I feel about it, but that don’t mean I can’t love and support you.”
Janice fell into her, relief and heartfelt love completely washing over her.
“You don’t know how much what you just said means.”
Maurine held her and rubbed her back. “Maybe not. But if it means anything close to what you mean to me, then I know it’s a whole hell of a lot.”
“Thank you,” Janice said, as she began to cry.
“You don’t need to thank me,” Maurine said, her voice finally giving way to tears as well. “That’s what friends are for.”
Chapter Twenty-seven
Janice sat swaying quietly in the old porch swing nestled deep in the back of Mamie’s carport. She’d retreated to the swing often as a child when she’d needed a break and some alone time from play with her boisterous cousins. The spot was a peaceful reprieve and she’d contemplated many things from that old swing. She reckoned that’s what had drawn her there now.
She gave herself a gentle push with her foot, content with the lulling of the continued swaying. The afternoon was hot and sticky, but she was oblivious, lost in her thoughts and the comfort of the dark, cool carport. Nothing but her, the swing, and the daddy longlegs lounging in his web in the corner.
But the door to the house opened and changed all that.
“I thought that was your car I seen sitting in the driveway,” Mamie said, easing open the screen door. “Whatcha doin’ sitting out here, sugar?”
“Just thinking.”
Mamie seemed to consider that for a moment. “You come all this way to sit in my swing and think?”
Janice shrugged. “I guess I did, yes.” She took in the lush lawn and the bushes and trees beyond the driveway, remembering how she and her cousins ran barefoot through it all, chasing each other and laughing on long summer days just like this one. She smiled at the memory and watched as a wasp ducked under the roof and disappeared into its nest in the upper corner of the carport. It seemed she and the daddy longlegs weren’t the only living occupants after all. She looked back to Mamie, who, in turn, was watching her. Janice tried to explain something she didn’t quite understand herself. “I was driving through town, thinking about old times, thinking about now, searching for answers. But I didn’t find any. So, I kept driving, kind of lost as to where I might find them, and I ended up here.”
“You finding any?”
“No. Only memories.”
“Maybe that’s where your answers lie.”
Janice couldn’t see how. All she knew was that the memories had been and still were surrounding her, spilling into her mind everywhere she looked, filling her up with their bitter sweetness, causing her to laugh one second and cry the next. The process was becoming relentless and she’d never expected it to carry on for more than two days.