His jaw clenches, and he drops his gaze to his boots.
A beat of silence passes before I press, “Alex?”
He scans the area, so I do too, but we’re completely alone. The closest person I can see is a clerk at the checkout desk about two hundred feet away.
“Your hand was on my dick earlier, and your tongue was in my mouth.”
The breath I was taking stutters painfully in my throat, making a choking noise. “What?” I gasp as I clutch at my neck.
“What I’m sayin’ is I’m a man who’s going to have a really hard time watching you pick out panties and not picturin’ you in them.”
“Oh,” I squeak.
“Yeah,” he responds, his eyes darkening as he fixates them on my face. His tongue slips out and wets his lower lip. That one slow, intoxicating movement has tingles erupting in my lower belly.
“Well, I’ll just pick some out quickly. You know, to make you less…uncomfortable. You don’t even have to see them.”
“It’s fine, Shelby. Pick out what you need. I’ll just stand a little farther back this time.”
“Okay, Alex.”
He takes my hand again and leads me to the lingerie department. He does as he said and stands a little farther away. I do as I said and pick out a few pairs as quickly as possible. It’s hard when there are so many different types and styles. I grab a couple of each, trying to ignore the nauseated flutter I get when I think about the extra risqué ones, and the times I was forced into them to play the part for the men who paid for me. I don’t grab any of those—I have no use for them, and the mere sight of them disgusts me. I wonder if I’ll always feel this way or if it’ll eventually fade with time or the right person.
“You okay?”
My thoughts must be written on my face because Alex goes into high alert, scanning our surroundings. Tentatively, I place my hand on his forearm. The simple touch draws his attention back to me.
“I’m fine. Just thinking is all. I’m ready to go if you are.”
He searches my eyes a moment longer. “I’m good.” Taking my hand once more, we stop by the cashier to pay and walk back to the car.
I’m suddenly overcome with exhaustion and lay my head against the cool window as Alex drives us home. The evening is approaching quickly as the daylight turns to a warm periwinkle dusk. My heavy eyelids drift closed.
“I have to run by the bar.” His voice snaps away the tiredness in an instant.
“Is something wrong?”
He glances at me out of the corner of his eye, then looks back at the road. “I forgot some paperwork there I need to work on. We just have to cut downtown. You got an extra ten minutes in you?”
I’m so wide-awake at his words I feel like I’ll never sleep again. “We can’t go downtown,” I murmur, attempting to control the shake in my voice.
“We aren’t going downtown. Passing through.”
“Please don’t take me downtown,” I plead near hysterics. I feel like the car picks up speed. “Alex …”
“You’re safe in this car with me.”
My fingers dig into the fabric covering my thighs. I tear into my legs so hard if the pants weren’t there, I’d break the skin. Alex must see it because suddenly his large hand is there, covering mine and holding it steady.
“Blossom.”
“Please, Alex.”
The car pitches to the right and halts at a curb. Before I can even turn my head, he’s there, unbuckling my belt and bracing me at my shoulders.
“You’ve been so damn brave. So brave it’s inspiring. And now I just need you to trust me once more.”
I twist my fingers tightly together. My tongue wets my parched lips. “I don’t think I can.”
“I do,” he declares with conviction. “You might not see it, because you’re livin’ it, but I do. You’ve overcome so much. And I’m not about to let anything happen to you. So help me god, I’d tear my own arm off before I let any harm come to you.”
My mind works overtime trying to control the anxiety roaring within it. The logical side of my brain knows I’m being ridiculous. It’s not like I’m getting out of the car downtown, but the other side, the irrational side, is petrified. “I’m scared.”
His brows knit together. “Of course you are, baby. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be. That doesn’t mean I’m not goin’ to push you to face that fear. Especially when I’m right by your side, keeping you out of harm’s way.” His large hands slide down my shoulders, caressing my arms on the journey to my hands. Shivers ripple down my spine at his soothing touch. “Tell me what’s going to happen to you.”
I close my eyes, willing away the invasive images of being a working girl. “Physically? Nothing. Nothing except my heart beating so hard I fear it’ll stop dead in my chest. Nothing except the fact my lungs feel like they can’t get in enough air. That even though I tell myself it’s temporary and it’ll go away when I’m not scared, it’s nothing compared to the memories I’m scared I’ll see if we drive that way. I know nothing will hurt me when I’m with you. You’ve proven that time and again. What I’m petrified of is to remember.”
Alex grunts beside me, a sound of concealed pain that forces me to look at him.
He drops my hand, his left reaching up to caress the side of my face with the back of his hand. “You fucking slay me.”
Tears burn the corners of my eyes. “I’m sorry.”
“No.” He shakes his head. “No, baby. You aren’t sorry for that. Don’t ever be sorry for that. For the first time in a long fucking time, I feel like my existence isn’t a sorry waste of space. If I’ve helped you even just the teensiest fucking bit, it makes living with myself and all the bad shit I’ve done easier.”
My heart absolutely breaks for the man before me. A man who’s lived through so much pain and guilt, he can’t even see himself for what he really is. A man who’s trying his hardest to make life easier on me while at the same time giving me a safety net to heal. And it’s that realization that has me agreeing to his trip through downtown. To make what he needs to get done easier on him.
I cover his hand on my cheek with my own. “I think I’m ready now. We can go.”
His eyes hold mine as he pulls our joined hands to his lips and presses a chaste kiss against the back of my hand. “Okay, blossom. We’ll make it quick.”
Alex waits until I’m buckled once again before smoothly guiding us back onto the road. Within minutes, we’re entering the narrow streets lined with cars and tall buildings, and as I feared, my anxiety ratchets up. Even with the windows closed, I swear I can smell the dirty air surrounding us. The drive won’t take more than ten minutes, yet I feel like an eternity is passing. The memories are there, just beyond my acceptance as I try to keep them at bay. I strain to hear the lyrics of the song on the radio or the sound of Alex breathing. Anything to keep my focus off reliving those horrible times.
As we near our turn to get back onto the highway headed north, I turn my focus outside, where people hustle in all directions on the busy sidewalks.
“We’re almost done. You’re doing great, Shel,” Alex soothes as he drives along at a slow pace. Traffic is starting to pick up now that it’s later in the day.