That was code for I’m not done talking to you.
“I’ll see you inside,” Shobi said, shaking her head at Mina.
Mina Kaki got in her car, rolled down her window, and turned to Ashna. “When Shobi and I were younger, we used to talk a lot about our girls growing up. We swore they would not face what we faced. We wanted to make sure you girls didn’t have to fight our fights and the fights of our mothers. It’s time to put that behind us, don’t you think?”
Ashna nodded. She knew her aunt wasn’t done.
“I like to believe we changed things at least a little, your mother more than me. But in this changed world, you girls can’t seem to see how it was for us. You can’t see our obstacles because we removed them for you. And now you get to judge us from a perspective that we weren’t lucky enough to enjoy.”
“I’m sorry,” Ashna said around the lump in her throat.
Mina smiled the smile that had made Ashna’s childhood bearable. “It’s the last thing we want you to be, beta.” With that she blew Ashna a kiss and was gone.
“You all right?” Shobi was just done putting the kettle on as Ashna walked into the kitchen.
Ashna flew into her arms.
Shobhi’s arms went around her, tight, so tight they almost suffocated her. A memory burst through Ashna. Ages ago her mother had always held her like this, too tight for breath.
I’ll die, Mamma.
I’ll bring you back to life so I can squeeze the life out of you again.
Then those hugs had turned into goodbyes and Ashna hadn’t been able to bear them anymore.
She couldn’t breathe, but in that breathlessness the tears washed through her, taking with them so many things she’d let fester for years and years.
“I’m sorry.” Those were the first words that came.
Shobi slowly let her go. “What are you sorry for?”
“I always blamed you for everything, but it was always my fault. And I thought you had left again.”
Her mother wiped Ashna’s tears with the end of her sari, a gesture so absurdly campy and Bollywoodish and so at odds with who Shobi was that a watery laugh burst from Ashna. She pulled away, some awkwardness returning.
“None of this was your fault.” For the first time in her life those words didn’t feel like thorns on her skin. “And I’m glad,” Shobi added quickly, holding Ashna’s hands, “that the thought of me having left didn’t make you happy.”
“I felt many things when you left, Mom. But happiness was never one of them.” Of all the things Ashna had ever said to her mother, this was probably the most honest.
She pushed Shobi onto a stool. “Why don’t you sit, I’ll make us some tea. I know the exact brew that might make this easier.” She brought ginger and lemongrass to a boil, then added a mix of Cunoor long leaf and Darjeeling as her mother watched. Then she wrote the words Overdue Conversations on the jar.
“You’re very good at this.” Shobi picked up the two steaming cups Ashna filled and took them to the living room.
Ashna followed her with a plate of biscuits. “Turns out I like flavors and how they make people feel.”
Before sitting down next to her mother, she extracted the jewelry box from her pocket and put it on the coffee table.
Shobi looked at it. “You said there’s a ring in there?”
Ashna opened the box and watched recognition dawn on her mother’s face. “I dug it out of the garbage after Baba threw it away all those years ago. I used to dream of you thanking me for saving your marriage. I was so stupid.”
Shoban blew into the steaming cup. “That’s not stupid at all. It’s incredibly sweet.” She took a sip, and it seemed to loosen her shoulders. “I’m sorry I put you through that. I’m sorry for everything I put you through.”
Ashna snapped the box shut. “Mom, I’m the one who’s sorry. And please . . . please don’t say it wasn’t my fault. There’s something else I have to ask you.”
Her mother gave her a hard look. “No one forced me to have you. You were always wanted. I couldn’t let you go because from the moment I knew you were inside me, I knew who you were going to be. Does that make sense?”
It was hard to drink tea with a constricted throat. Ashna put her cup down. “No. Not even a little bit.” But it did warm her heart. “That wasn’t what I was going to ask. But . . . thank you.”
“What did you want to know, then?”
“Why didn’t you ever tell me that you saw Baba the day he died?”
The surprise on Shobi’s face was stark, but instead of getting flustered, she stayed calm and sure. “I didn’t want you to hate me even more. I thought you’d blame me for his death.”
Ashna picked up her cup again and took a sip. “I wouldn’t have blamed you. Not because I was ever generous to you, but because it wasn’t your fault. It was mine. I was the one to blame. I was the one who pushed him over the edge.”
“No, you weren’t.”
They looked at each other over the cups of tea.
“There’s so much you don’t know,” they both said together, as though this were a Shakespearean farce.
“Me first, please,” Ashna said.
Shobi put her cup down and nodded, pulling her legs up on the couch and crossing them. “Fine.”
“The reason I know you were there that day, it’s . . . it’s because, well, there was a boy there that day too. You met him when Baba was yelling at him.”
Shobi’s hand went to her mouth. “Oh. Now I know why Rico Silva looks so familiar. Oh, Ashi.” She reached over and took Ashna’s hand. “No wonder he looks at you that way.”
Ashna felt the insistent warmth that always wrapped her up at the mention of Rico rise across her face. “I met him in high school. I was so in love with him, Mom.” “Was”? Please.
“You didn’t tell anyone? Not even Mina or your cousins?”
“No. I was terrified. I was such a coward. But Baba found Rico’s messages on my phone and . . . and he told me that he’d rather die that let me be with Rico. I didn’t believe him.”
Her mother scooted closer and kissed Ashna’s hand. She had warm, strong hands. Competent hands. “And you’ve spent the past twelve years blaming yourself for it and punishing yourself for it.”
“I shut you out. I shut Rico out. I felt like a cheater when I was happy.”
“Is that why Rico is here? For you.”
“I don’t know. I . . . Yes.”
“He slid across your kitchen on his knees—after surgery—to keep you from getting hurt. Please tell me you see what that is?” She squeezed Ashna’s hand against her chest. “That’s love tinged with madness, love that takes you out of yourself. That’s not love you take lightly, Ashi.”
Ashna swallowed. She couldn’t give up Rico if she tried.
“Did Bram tell you he wasn’t good enough for you? That you’d be shaming the family? That you deserved someone at your ‘social level’? Someone culturally and religiously similar to you?”
“Word for word. How did you know?”
“Because that’s exactly what my father said to me.” With a deep sigh Shobi squeezed her forehead.