“It’s okay, Mom. Tell me.”
“I love you more than anything, you have to know that. This, this having you look at me as though I am not the most painful thing in your life, I would sell my soul to never let this go. Just remember that, please, because there’s more you don’t know.”
Ashna squeezed her mother’s hands. “Tell me. I’m not leaving, Mom, and I won’t push you away. I promise.”
And so Shobi told her.
How she had ended up a Raje.
How she had become a mother and found her power.
How she had started her foundation.
How she had never looked at her own father again. Not even when he lay dying.
Finally, she told her why she’d been so angry with her father and Bram.
“Is his name Omar?” Ashna asked when Shobi told her she’d been in love with someone else. Shobi’s shock was palpable. “I overheard your fights, remember?”
Her mother apologized again, but her eyes shone bright when she talked about the man. “Yes. The day I saw your Rico in your father’s office, I had come to California to bring Bram divorce papers. That’s why I never told you I was coming, I had wanted to take care of that, then explain everything to you. It wasn’t you who pushed him over the edge. It was me.”
Or maybe it was both things happening on the same day. Or maybe it was just the fact that he could never reconcile with his life and find a way to treat his illness. A few weeks ago, her mother’s revelation would have broken Ashna. Now it made her sad, but it also helped her understand so much.
“I wish I had tried to get him help,” Ashna said.
“His family did try repeatedly to get him help. You can’t fix something if you don’t acknowledge it.” Shobi pushed a lock of hair behind Ashna’s ear. “I wish I had kept you away from all that, from him. I relied too heavily on Mina and Shree. I wish I had been a better mother. It was cruel what I let you go through. I want to tell you that it was because I didn’t grasp the level of his irresponsibility as a father, but it wasn’t on you to tell me how much his alcoholism has progressed. None of this is on you and I am so very sorry.” For the first time in her life Ashna saw tears swell in her eyes and fall down her cheeks. “Funny thing is, I was so immersed in fighting cruelty that I didn’t stop to think about my own. I wish I had done things differently.”
Ashna wiped her tears. “No, you don’t.” Her tone had a hint of teasing, which stunned her. But she felt no anger right now and it was rebirth. “You would do the same thing again.”
Her mother’s smile was tenuous. “I want to say that I would not. But it’s not simple. I do wish you hadn’t been hurt; that part I would change for anything. I would give up everything now, to keep that from happening. If you believe nothing else, believe that I’ve regretted not having you in my life every single day. But I didn’t know how to put my head down and comply.
“Growing up, we were surrounded by stories of women being married off without their consent, and it was always about how they compromised, reconciled, and found love in the end. It was romanticized so much. What an abhorrent thing to tell someone—that your love isn’t where your interests lie, or that your parents know what’s best for you better than you do. You know what’s best for you, beta, only you.”
How could Ashna argue with that, or begrudge her mother not having put her head down and complied?
“So you just went back to him? Mrs. Shoban Gaikwad Raje who was in the papers all the time. Weren’t you scared of the media, of scandal?” Even as she asked it, she couldn’t imagine her mother being scared, and if she were scared, she couldn’t imagine her bowing to fear.
Shoban gave Ashna a cheeky look that made her laugh. “Basically we snuck around. My choice, not his. I realize that it’s not fair to him, but he’s never asked for any more than I could give him. We don’t hide our relationship, but we don’t share it with the media either. I’ve kept the press’s focus on my work and kept my life private. The world is filled with open secrets.” She took Ashna’s hands again and kissed them, gratitude shining in her jet black eyes. It was obvious how very much she wanted Ashna to like Omar. “When we first met, he was the only person I knew who wanted me to be me. By the time we found our way back to each other, I had become a person who could only be me, no matter what anyone else wanted. Maybe that’s the big love story. Finding that.”
Chapter Thirty-Four
It had been six hours since Ashna had seen Rico, but it felt like a lifetime. She missed him something fierce. The worry in his eyes when she’d left that morning, the determined hope, had been burning inside her. The fact that it hadn’t occurred to him to push her to stay or to try to figure things out for her made her want to climb into his arms and never let go.
The final episode was being shot live today, an effort by the network to leverage the show’s tremendous success. After spending all morning talking to her mother—about the past but mostly about the future, because Shobi was this tornado of forward movement—Ashna had left for the studio. Then she’d changed her mind and rerouted her ride to Rico’s hotel.
Her heart raced as she went to the front desk and asked them to call him. The person who had stormed in here yesterday feeling irreparably ugly, that wasn’t the person who smiled at the receptionist today.
Only, this new person was an idiot, because she hadn’t considered that Rico might not be there waiting for her. He wasn’t in his room.
It. Means. Nothing. She told herself as she said thank you and sped out of the hotel only to find that the rideshare time to destination was half an hour, because the street to the hotel was clogged up with traffic. If she called a car she would be late.
She started walking. It was a forty-minute walk to the studio. What had she been thinking coming here before the shoot? If she had remembered to ask Rico for his number, this wouldn’t have happened.
When she got to the studio, Rico wasn’t there either. Worry started to bubble inside her and she went to see if China knew where he was. She heard a scrambling behind the door when she knocked.
Inside, Song was sitting on China’s couch looking preternaturally cool, except that her hair was disheveled.
“Do you know where Rico is?” she asked, because Song and China were both frozen in place.
Song jumped up and flew at Ashna. “Don’t worry, he’s almost here.” There was an odd excitement in her eyes, even more than her usual enthusiasm. A weird sort of joy glowed from her.
“You know where he is?” Ashna asked, confused.
Song wiggled her brows and bounced on her heels. “Yes,” she squeaked, “and I’m going to explode with excitement.”
What on earth did that mean? Ashna looked at China—still uncharacteristically speechless—for an explanation.
“I have to go touch up my lipstick,” Song said with a look at China that Ashna could only interpret as heat.
“She’s not interested in Rico,” China said the moment she left.
“Oh,” Ashna said, recognizing China’s tone. It was possessive. “Oh!”
China beamed at her. “Um, yeah. Lots to tell you.”