‘I love you.’
‘Goodnight, Nick,’ is her only reply.
Forty-Two
Paige
I’m driving home to pick up some clothes, thinking about Nick and the fact he’s been talking to Miranda about our problems. Naturally, I’ve googled her, read her online bio and also checked her LinkedIn, Facebook and Instagram accounts. She’s a single mother of a really cute kid, worked as a counsellor for bereaved parents, loves snow skiing and winery hopping. She runs the Mother’s Day Classic every year, and ever since her husband died, she takes her kid go-karting once a month because apparently that was what her husband and son used to do. According to Facebook, she’s the perfect kind of person to listen to the guy – my husband – who has quietly been falling apart without his wife noticing. As I turn onto the main road towards home, I realise I don’t blame Nick for reaching out to someone to talk to – someone to listen. In fact, I’m glad he’s been talking to Miranda. Nick is trying to deal with all of this in the best way he can.
My phone buzzes, and I answer, even though I’m not in the mood to talk.
‘Nick, hi.’
‘Hey, I… I wanted to call and make sure you were okay after what I told you last night. You were pretty quiet on the phone.’
‘I’m fine with you talking to her, Nick.’
‘About that, actually – she told me not to do it. I didn’t listen.’ He pauses. ‘Anyway, we can talk about that when you’re ready. The other reason I’m calling is that I wanted to ask you a favour.’
‘Sure,’ I say, unsure of what he means by this. Nick asking me for a ‘favour’ is a totally foreign concept to me. We don’t ask each other for favours. We help each other out. I don’t like the way it sounds – like the distance between us is real.
‘Would you come with me to visit Zac?’
In all the years I’ve known him, Nick has never visited Zac’s resting place. Ever. He told me he didn’t need to, that Zac was with him without him needing to see his memorial.
‘Um, yes, of course I’ll come with you. Tell me when, and I’ll be there.’
Shortly after I hang up, my phone rings again, this time from a private number I don’t recognise. I turn the radio down and accept the call.
‘Hey, sis.’
‘Oh, Ryan. I didn’t recognise your number. It’s late over there. What’s up?’
‘Nothing. Just wanted to hear your voice. Where are you?’
‘On my way home from the hairdresser. Nineties perm, purple highlights.’
It doesn’t take much for Ryan to laugh, and soon I find myself laughing at his bad jokes too.
‘You going to be much longer?’ he asks once I finish telling him about my latest kitchen fail. Cupcakes where I accidentally substituted turmeric for the cinnamon. Hope thought it was a hoot.
‘That’s it. That’s the end of the story. It’s all I have for you.’ I flick the indicator on and turn into the driveway. And that’s when I see him. Ryan, my big brother, sitting on top of his red suitcase on my front porch with a goofy smile on his face. He waves and approaches the car, opening the door for me.
‘Oh my God! What are you doing here?’ I punch him playfully in the arm and he envelops me in one of his signature hugs. ‘Have you been going to the gym?’ I say, squeezing his biceps. ‘You look great.’
He grins. ‘You look good too, sis.’
He ruffles my freshly blow-waved hair and I don’t even care.
‘I know. Just got my hair done.’ I flick my hair over my shoulder to show it off.
Ryan looks at my midsection. ‘If you look closely, you can sort of see a bump.’
I lift up my T-shirt to show him. ‘No, you can’t. That’s the risotto I had for lunch.’ I grin at him. It’s impossible not to feel like smiling when Ryan is around.
‘So, how’s Susannah going?’
‘She’s great, but the IVF is kicking our butts at the moment. We did another round a couple of weeks before I left and nothing. Didn’t take. We’re gutted. We didn’t think it would take this long. You wait, get your hopes up and then whoosh, it’s over and you have to find a way to find more hope for next time.’
‘That really sucks.’
He shrugs it off. ‘Yeah.’
‘Mum and Dad didn’t tell me you were coming.’
‘That’s because I didn’t tell them I was coming.’
‘They don’t know you’re here?’
He shakes his head.
‘Does Caitlin know you’re here?’
He nods. ‘Yeah, she does.’
‘Well, just so you know, things have kind of been a bit tense lately in our family. I’ve been causing a bit of trouble, so try to ignore us all if things get heated.’
‘She said things are getting out of control. She wanted me to come home.’
‘That’s a bit of an exaggeration, isn’t it?’
‘She said you’re living with Mum and Dad.’
‘I’m not living with Mum and Dad. I’ve been staying with them for a while, that’s all.’
I push the door open and notice the scent of lemongrass. Nick’s been burning the candles. I like to light them every morning.
‘Come inside and take a shower and then I’ll take you to Mum and Dad’s.’
‘I already organised dinner and a movie with Caitlin. You’re coming too.’
‘Nope.’
‘It’s non-negotiable.’
‘I can’t, Ryan. Things between me and Caitlin are strained right now. Trust me, you don’t want to be around us both. Can’t the two of you go and I’ll sit this one out?’
‘I flew halfway across the globe to be here with you all. Think you could make an effort? Just for one night? I’ll let you choose the movie…’ he teases.
I blow out a breath. Ryan’s half-joking but deep down I know he’s not. He’s always been the peacekeeper of our family and I don’t want to disappoint him.
‘Mmm, well in that case… rom-com it is,’ I concede. ‘But you’re paying.’
He winks in response and goes to shower. I head to my bedroom to pack some more clothes. There’s a Post-it note on my side of the bed. It’s the first one Nick ever left for me.
Can’t wait to see you again. Miss you more than words can say. N x
‘Paige? Are you okay?’ asks Ryan, when he walks in to find me standing on the tufted bench in my wardrobe, trying to reach the shoebox.
He rubs his wet hair with his towel and tosses it aside. ‘Get down from there before you fall.’ He helps me down, jumps up and brings one of the five boxes down.
‘Yes, this is the one.’
I lift the lid, and the Post-it notes spill out.
‘Post-it notes?’
‘I keep them. I kept them all.’
Ryan fires me a look that says, Really? You’re getting worked up over a bunch of Post-it notes?
‘I thought I knew him. The Nick I know wouldn’t go to a lawyer about this, Ryan. How do we go back to normal after this?’