Anything to stall time.
Opening the bathroom door, my stomach twisted into knots. I took a hesitant step, steeling myself, before padding across the plush carpet to the living room. The closer I got to Hayden, the closer I was to revealing the truth.
"Chinese," I breathed out, stepping into the kitchen.
He smiled, trying to cover the agitation around his eyes. The past few hours had weighed heavily on him and that upset me. He didn't deserve to be dragged into this shit.
"I ordered you the sweet and sour chicken."
"Thanks," I said, then hurried to the refrigerator to avoid eye contact. I grabbed a bottle of water and handed it to Hayden, then grabbed one for myself. I uncapped it and took a sip, watching him. The silence between us was dense, I didn't know how to broach the subject.
"If you think I'm using chopsticks to pick up rice, you have another thing coming. I can't understand, out of everything that could be used to eat rice with, someone thought two sticks would be best," I blurted.
"You mean, zhu?"
I finally looked up at him. "Zoo? Like where animals are caged and put on display?"
Hayden barked out a laugh and I felt myself easing into a smile. "No, zhu means chopsticks."
I paused. "How the hell do you know this? It isn't common knowledge."
He regarded me with a gaze that said he was fully aware I was dodging the real conversation.
"My parents went through an adventurous phase where they wanted to try food from different cultures. I know that it's hashi in Japanese and in Korean it's something else."
I feigned disappointment, placing a hand over my chest. "I'm a little let down that you don't know what it is in Korean."
"Stop being a wiseass. Want to eat at the coffee table?"
We moved to the living room and sat down next to each other. We opened the lids and a puff of steam appeared before my eyes. I inhaled in delight. It'd been a long time since I had Chinese and I couldn't wait to dig in. Hayden plucked a few packets of sauce from the bag and tore them open.
Before I could take a bite, I needed to address the topic at hand. A lump formed in my throat as I turned toward him and rested my knee against his thigh. "Okay, Hayden, what do you want to know first?"
He shook his head. "Eat first, then we'll talk." He reached inside his pocket and pulled out a small flask. He held it up between us and shook it. "Vodka."
I stared at the stainless-steel container. Liquid courage was everything I needed and didn't need. "Vodka? I hate vodka. You couldn't pick something else?"
"Hey, it gets the job done, and you have a lot of explaining to do, so it'll help. I thought we could make a game of it."
A game. That's what my life came down to. A fucking drinking game.
Shame veiled my pounding heart. Averting my gaze to my crisscrossed legs, I chewed my lip. I wondered if Hayden would look down on me or see me any differently. Tightness seized my chest and I tried to rub the ache away. Tears prickled the back of my eyes. This mess was my problem and I had only myself to blame. Crying wouldn't solve this.
"Hey," Hayden said. "I know what you're thinking."
"You can't possibly," I mumbled.
"I'm not going to judge you. I promise. I just want to know what happened, Adrianna. Help me understand."
I looked at him. "Okay, maybe you did read my mind," I said through a sad chuckle. "If I must do this, you better drink with me."
A friendly smile lit up his face. "I can't get sloshed, I have to drive home."
"Stay the night," I suggested, not giving it a second thought. "But let your sister know first so she doesn't call in a panic tomorrow morning like she did last time."
His brows angled toward each other. "You want me to stay the night?"
"I think I need you to stay," I said. He accepted, and gratitude in the form of tears filled my eyes. I glanced up at the ceiling to hold them in. My jaw trembled. Once I got my emotions under control, I said, "I don't know if I have any clothes that will fit you to sleep in though."
Hayden leaned forward and pressed a tender kiss to my forehead. He pulled back and looked down. "Don't worry. I sleep in my boxers."
Wrapping my arms around his neck, I climbed onto his lap and buried my face into his shoulder. I squeezed him with all my might and let out a weighty breath. A few tears slipped from the corners of my eyes. Hayden held me tight, comforting me. I needed him to hold me, to tell me everything was going to be all right. I needed him to make promises, ones I knew he'd hate to keep. The kind that would cause him to struggle between morally right and wrong.
"Shhh…" he said when I sniffled. "It'll be okay. We'll figure something out, but it will be okay. I promise."
I nodded, sniffling. Something in my gut had me on edge. His words comforted me, but I was certain this was a changing point. My life would never be the same. Snuggling into him, he rubbed circles on the small of my back. I was grateful for Hayden and his friendship. His head dipped and his cheek met mine. We sat in silence, save for my soft weeping, as he let me unload my tears on his shoulder.
I needed to come clean, and soon I would, but in this moment, Hayden was exactly what I needed.
Three
"Usually people take a whole shot when they're spilling secrets," Hayden began as I watched the clear liquid fall into one of the shot glasses he'd grabbed from the kitchen. "But since we're both not heavy drinkers, let's start with a half shot so we don't fall on our faces."
Hayden handed me the glass and I agreed. "Good idea." I paused. "So, if I take a shot when the truth gets too hard, you take one too?"
He nodded. "Or when I have a question and the answer you give me is not what I was expecting. But first, we take one just to get things going."
I watched as he poured another half shot for himself. After I had climbed onto his lap, he didn't say a word, didn't push me to speak, he just held me in his warm embrace and wiped the tears from my eyes. His faded blue shirt still had a wet spot from where I cried.
He capped the silver flask and nestled it between his thighs that were the size of tree trunks. Looking up, his crystal blue eyes glimmered with mischief. A timid smile curved the corners of his lips and I felt mine do the same. He was trying to ease me. His sandy blond hair was disheveled, like he’d run his hand through it.
"Ready?" he asked.
I exhaled. "Nope. Let's do this." We clinked our glasses. I brought the glass to my lips and our eyes locked as the cool liquid went down the back of my throat. I cringed. How anyone drank this crap was beyond me. Alcohol was not my thing.
"It feels like fire in my throat," I rasped through the burn.
"Sounds like a symptom of an STD." Hayden laughed.
"You should know, before you ask me anything, that Kova never pushed me," I stressed to him. "Not once."
His lips formed a flat line and he nodded. "You know it's hard for me to believe anything considering his age and status, right? He wields a lot of power, Aid. Maybe you don't realize it."
"I can see where you're coming from and why you would think that, but it's not the case. I promise on my life, it's not."