“Like you’re not getting your dick wet plenty—”
I can’t. I can’t hear another word. I may not be in love with Darius, but I’ve been committed to him. I’ve given him a chance as my father demanded. When my father suggested I move in with Darius, I did it because Papi thought it was a good idea.
“You will do this. It’s for the future. You understand,” my father had said.
“Yes, I do.”
Now, I question myself and my father. I’ve had this feeling in the last few weeks. Before I thought it was all my lack of control. Instantly I know it was my bullshit meter going off.
I’m so pissed, I don’t bother to go get my things. Fuck it. Darius paid for them. It’s not my loss. I can go shopping again with my own money. I’d prefer it that way.
My phone rings as I step out of the house. I lift a hand to signal for my car as I pull the device from my bag. I don’t know the number and nearly ignore it, but nagging in the pit of my stomach causes me to answer.
“Hello.”
“Hello, is this Cherone Pérez?” the person on the other end says.
“This is she.”
“Ma’am. You were listed as the next of kin for Eliam Pérez.”
“Okay… that’s my father.”
“I’m sorry to have to inform you he has passed. Would you be able to come and identify the body?”
My father may be a cold man, but he’s my father. I love him despite his inability to show me love. My grandmother once told me I would become like him if I wasn’t careful. Cold and guarded.
I wish I could be cold at this moment. As the woman on the phone’s words sinks in, I start to feel alone in this world. My grandmother passed last year. It has only been my father and me. I have an aunt, but she doesn’t come to visit much. I’ve never really gotten to know her.
I have no one. The reality of my loss, and now, my loneliness chills my bones as the woman’s words replay in my ear. He’s gone. This can’t be real.
The weight of the truth presses down on me. A breeze passes by and something about her words ring with a hollow truth. I faint.
John
“I think we should talk,” Missy says.
I stand staring out the window of Missy’s apartment, my mind telling me to slow down and evaluate some things around me. This arrangement I’m in being one of them. Between work and family shit, I haven’t given much thought to it.
Well, not until recently. Something has changed. I’m questioning everything about my life.
This shit ever get old to you?
Wyatt’s words have been ringing in my head for days now. Yeah, this is getting old. Not just old but draining and disheartening.
I’ve avoided looking at the real reasons for the way I am. There are two factors that I’ve allowed myself to consider over the last few days. One of which most people wouldn’t expect. Honestly, I’d never say it out loud.
My mind takes me back to my teenage years. The first time I craved control and dominance. That can happen when you feel used.
“Have you seen John today?” I overheard Lauren the eleventh grader I was dating say from around the corner of her house.
“God, he’s so gorgeous,” one of her friends gushed.
I couldn’t help but smile. It was no secret that girls found me and my brothers attractive. I reached for the handle of the gate to enter the backyard and let myself be known. However, I froze with the words of another of her friends.
“I still can’t believe you’re dating a ninth grader.”
“Come on, like you don’t know I’m dating him to make Billy jealous.” Lauren laughed.
“I still think it’s mean,” a third friend said, it had to be Allison from the sound of the voice.
“How? He gets to tell all his friends that he’s getting into an eleventh grader’s pants, he gets regular blow jobs, I get amazing sex, and Billy has been losing his shit. It’s a win for everyone if you ask me.”
“John’s sweet. You’re using him like some toy because he’s pretty and Billy’s afraid of Wyatt and Noah,” Allision retorted in disgust. “It’s a shitty thing to do.”
“Shitty because you had a crush on him or shitty because you plan to go after my sloppy seconds?”
“It’s just plain shitty. Sure, I think he’s supermodel gorgeous and totally had planned to corrupt his life, but you’re wrong,” Allison replied.
“Fine, I’ll break it off, but not until after the dance. He looks way better in a suit than Billy. We’re going to be the best looking couple there.”
I backed away from Lauren’s house and went home. The next day at school I dumped her in front of everyone and became a legend. What no one ever knew was how that made me feel, how out of control I felt.
“Are you listening to me, John?” I turn from the window and look at her.
Missy and I aren’t compatible. She’s not who she sold me on in the beginning. She put on a good show at first, but she’s vanilla as a pint of Häagen-Dazs.
I stare at her and again something that’s been nagging at me comes to mind. I’ve never been in love. Not with any of the girls I’ve been in arrangements with. I was always intrigued by the life, but that shit with Lauren pushed me fully into it.
I tilt my head at Missy and squint my eyes. She isn’t the one, but I have this feeling like I’m missing the one that is. I know I don’t know her, haven’t met her, but she’s out there.
The one that will enjoy my lifestyle and all that comes with me. When it comes to Missy, I’ve known for a while that she’s not into all of it. That’s why I think it’s about time I end this arrangement.
“John,” she barks out my name.
And still, I can’t see her. I can only see the mounting reasons for moving on. She puts on airs to please me. That’s not the type of Sub I want. I want someone that enjoys every aspect of our relationship as much as I do.
Suddenly, we’re in her apartment, but the atmosphere is much different. Yeah, I’d been planning to break things off, but for this one night, I wanted to chill. Blow off some steam. After all, that’s what our relationship is for. It was what we agreed to.
“John, I said we need to talk,” she says from her couch.
My nonchalant mood from when I arrived goes up in smoke and I home in on the minor details. I begin to calculate the facts I’m taking in. Her hair is a little messy and she looks nervous. How did I not notice she’s not ready for our date? Something is off.
Can she sense that this is going to be our last date?
God, don’t let her ask me to extend our arrangement. I’m over this. Ready to move on and find someone that takes me there. Someone that can handle all of me.
Shit.
She’s going to make this more difficult than I planned. In an instant, I decided that maybe this should be the end. I can go to dinner alone.
A year is a year. That’s all we consented to. Knowing what I know now, I have no plans on extending things. They shouldn’t have lasted as long as they did.
“Yeah, I was thinking the same thing,” I reply with my decision made.
“Let me go first.”