I felt exhausted.
He tried to kill me. Feeling guilty or not, it didn’t matter.
So much hate.
So much brutality.
No, I was sure he didn’t care if I were dead.
He. Doesn’t. Care.
Without even looking at me, he spun around and left the hallway.
I STARED AT THE CHESS board, in the middle of the game with Jonathan, but I wasn’t actually seeing anything. My mind had ventured back to the moment in Hayden’s house when his darkness engulfed me and threatened to destroy me.
I couldn’t come to terms that he choked me yesterday. Did he plan to go through it until the end?
You saw it yourself, Sarah. That is why it scared you so much. There was something twisted in his eyes that was bordering on unhinged, and I couldn’t find any explanation for that...
I felt so empty and alone...
“Checkmate,” Jonathan exclaimed, pulling me away from my gloomy thoughts. His rook and bishop were blocking my king, showing me that every single move I’d made was completely wrong. He defeated me too easily.
“You’re good,” I said, offering him a slight smile, and touched the scarf I used to hide the bruises on my neck to see if it was in place.
“And you are completely unfocused. What is happening inside your head?”
“Nothing.”
“Don’t lie to me, girl. At least be honest with this old man and say you don’t want to talk about it.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“There you go. Was that so difficult to say? People should stop beating around the bush and speak directly. If you want to say no, say it.”
“I find it very hard to say no.”
“I can see that. Damn it, I need a cigarette.” He slumped back in his wheelchair.
“You know you can’t do that here,” I warned him.
“Yes, yes, I know. Don’t worry. I still didn’t fall into temptation to buy a package.”
“Smoking is completely unhealthy. It’s good that you don’t smoke. So many people die from lung ca—”
“Cancer,” he interrupted me, quirking his brow. “Yes, I know. Smoking is killing us, blah, blah, blah. Everything can kill us, girl. You go outside and the next moment a car hits you. You are dead on spot.”
I winced, remembering the night I kept trying to blank out. If Jonathan only knew how true his words were. Too true.
“How was your weekend so far? Is there any activity here that interests you?” I asked him, trying to change the subject.
“If you’re asking me if I mingled with those coffin dodgers, no, I didn’t. I can’t stand them talking about their diseases and families. They are beyond stupid and boring.”
I wanted to roll my eyes, but it wouldn’t be polite of me to do that. He caught my sour expression and glared at me. “Come on. Say it.”
“Say what?”
“I can clearly see you disapprove of my words. So if you disagree with me, say so.”
Oh, he was really a difficult person!
I was about to answer him when Mateo showed up on the patio, and my heart contracted painfully in response, anxiety overtaking me. I didn’t want to see him again and definitely not so soon. He was here only yesterday. Did he miss his grandfather that much that he wanted to visit him every day?
“Hello, grandpa.” He slid his gaze from Jonathan to me. “Hi, Sarah.” He flashed me a radiant smile, which was a little bit too dazzling for my taste.
One of the consequences of the years-long bullying was that I believed people had some hidden intentions behind their actions. I had extreme trust issues. If someone offered me help, they did that because they wanted to manipulate me and use me later. If they said my shirt was pretty, they were lying. If they offered me a smile, they were actually laughing at me, probably thinking I was an idiot or ugly. And so on. I dissected each of their actions and made negative conclusions. Bullying made me see enemies all around me. It made me become bitter and cynical. It made me doubt the sincerity of Mateo’s smile.
“Hello,” I replied, managing to curl my lips up.
“What are you doing here? Suddenly, you love your grandpa this much?” Jonathan asked him.
Mateo chuckled. “What? Can’t I come to see you if I miss you?”
“I’m not sure if you miss me or someone else.”
I looked between the two of them and decided it would be best to leave them alone. I got up.
“Where are you going?” Mateo asked me.
“This is your family moment, so I’ll give you some privacy.” Jonathan cracked up, and I glanced at him with raised eyebrows. “What?”
“I think that won’t be necessary. How about we play another game, Sarah? Mateo can watch.” He winked at him. This situation caused me huge discomfort, and I wished I was braver, so I could say “no” and give them the slip.
“Okay,” I agreed with no small amount of reluctance.
Melissa joined us two games later, and I was more than happy to see her because I wouldn’t have to be alone with Jonathan and Mateo anymore.
The time spent with the two of them felt like years, not minutes. Jonathan went on making cryptic jokes and laughing, while Mateo stared at me too often, asking me about my interests and hobbies. They made me blush every few seconds, and I couldn’t hide beneath my hair or pretend I was cool.
“Hi, Mateo! What brings you here today?” Melissa chirped, sitting on the chair next to me.
“I missed my dear grandpa.”
She rolled her eyes. “I’m surprised you’re such a good grandson. Aren’t you supposed to be somewhere smoking and chasing girls?”
“Hey, don’t compare me to your brother. Not all of us are douchebags.”
“Touché. My brother is really one of a kind.”
“Why?” I asked her. She’d mentioned he was a bit of a rebel, but weren’t all teenagers a kind of rebels?
She sighed dramatically. “He’s rarely home. He usually spends his time with some shady people, smoking and doing drugs.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah. I suspect he’s in some kind of gang, but that topic is forbidden in our house. My mom loves Steven very much, and even if we tell her he’s the biggest junkie, she wouldn’t have it.”
“Your mother isn’t doing your brother any favors,” Jonathan remarked.
“I know. My folks argue about that all the time. She spoiled him too much. Actually, my dad and Steven aren’t talking at the moment. Occasionally, they have that phase when they stop talking with each other because dad thinks he’s ruining his life and Steven won’t listen to him. Also, my brother isn’t interested in college, which makes things worse.” Her voice trailed off, and for the first time I noticed a trace of dejection in her.
“He should be careful of those guys he’s hanging with,” Mateo told her. “I heard some of them are from your school, Sarah.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. They and some other guys from Somers are in some group. Maybe it’s really a gang, I don’t know.”
“What do they do?”
“According to some rumors: illegal fights, steal, street race...” He shrugged. “Nothing good, anyway.”