“You want me? You need me? You made my life hell. You hurt me in so many unimaginable ways. Tonight you beat Mateo and forced me to come with you and leave my friends, who are probably worrying about me right now. You’re always punishing me, controlling my life, and making me live in fear and misery. Now you tell me not to go away? You tell me you need me? Screw you, Hayden.”
I was shaking hard, but I felt good. It felt good to throw out this poison that circulated inside of me for so long. “I can’t believe you’re asking this from me after everything. You’re insane.”
My words sounded so horrible, so unlike me, yet they made me feel powerful. I was like him now—hurting others to patch myself up—but right now it didn’t matter.
“I don’t care how you feel, just like you never cared how I felt. I hate you. I feel horrible every time I see you, and I wish I’d never met you. You need me? Fuck you. You can go into some goddamn hole and die, I wouldn’t care.”
I was breathing heavily, seeing red. I didn’t know if I was angrier at him or at myself for letting those old feelings return.
He didn’t say a word, looking utterly broken. Anguish and loneliness veiled his eyes, which fully revealed his inner agony to me. His mask fell down, and I could finally see what he’d kept hidden all this time.
I didn’t know this person. This Hayden was unknown to me, making me question everything I thought I knew about him. Right now, there wasn’t even a trace of that powerful and confident Hayden, and I wondered if everything he’d shown to me before was fake—a facade.
He rested his head against the headrest and closed his eyes. Regret suffused me at the sight, followed by a nagging feeling that I’d gone too far. I was supposed to know better. Despite everything, I shouldn’t have stooped to his level. I shouldn’t have turned into my bully.
Maybe I should apologize to him and take my horrible words back. He didn’t deserve me, but hurting him didn’t make me feel any better.
I looked at him again, of two minds about what I should do, but then he opened his eyes and looked at the road ahead without any emotion, shutting down. The usual Hayden returned all too quickly, and my fear of him reappeared.
Remaining silent, he buckled his seat belt, started the car, and pressed the gas pedal harshly, which sent us racing down the road in three seconds flat.
“Hayden? A-Are you taking me home?”
He didn’t answer me. I put my seat belt back on, noticing his tightened jaw and pursed lips. He was gripping the steering wheel too tightly, which was another sign for me not to provoke him anymore. I already said enough.
I just hoped he was really taking me home and not to some forest where he would dump me or do something even worse.
We spent the rest of our trip in uncomfortable silence. Relief washed over me when we entered Enfield and came closer to our neighborhood because he wasn’t going to dump me anywhere, after all. He was taking us home, which increased my guilt for saying those harsh words.
I didn’t have anything to do during our drive but reminisce about his words, my reaction, and the revelation that my feelings for him didn’t die completely. I felt baffled and troubled with myself, and I needed some time alone to sort out my thoughts and figure the way out of this mess.
He stopped the car in his driveway, and even though I was more than ready to jump out and run away from him, there was still that uncertainty about whether I should apologize or not.
He turned off the engine, looking straight forward without blinking at all. “Get out,” he said through clenched teeth.
“Hayden—”
“GET OUT!” He snapped his head to glare at me, shaking. I understood now that he was controlling himself during the entire drive back home, and I didn’t want to play with fire. I hurriedly unbuckled my seat belt and scrambled out of the car, dashing to my house without looking back.
I fished my keys out of my pocket and entered the dark house that induced loneliness. My tears soaking my face, I closed the door and leaned against it. I finally remembered I was wearing a makeup, so it was probably all smeared and grotesque from crying by now. Strangely, I didn’t care. I couldn’t care when I was already sick with everything that happened in a span of just a few hours.
This evening was supposed to be completely different. It was supposed to be Hayden-free.
Instead, I was curled up in a ball on the floor, more miserable than ever.
After everything he had done, after all his monstrosities, I still loved Hayden.
Chapter 27
“I WANT YOU ALL FOR myself.”
Ugh. I pressed my fingers against my temples, fighting to get his voice out of my head.
“I want to keep you safe like that precious last drop of water in a dry desert.”
This was so wrong.
Stop thinking about him, Sarah.
It was easier said than done. It was late Saturday evening, and I had been trying to focus on my college applications for more than an hour now, but I kept coming back to the moment in his car when he said those words.
No. I should really stop this and concentrate on my future and college, which was my way out of here. I already decided I was going to ignore everything he said. It didn’t matter. It also didn’t matter that my heart worked against me, because I would crush these dumb feelings.
I couldn’t sleep at all last night, and I was more than ready to stay in my bed and spend the whole Saturday away from the rest of the world, but I knew that wasn’t the best or the healthiest thing to do. I was tired of wasting my days because of my bully.
So I got up early this morning, greeted by an empty house once again, and went downstairs to go on a much-needed jog. I was wondering how I could retrieve my phone from Melissa, but my quandary ended minutes later when my doorbell rang and I found one of the biggest surprises of my life: Melissa, Jessica, and Mateo were standing on my porch.
They had been so worried about me that they had decided to check up on me and come as soon as Melissa sobered up enough to drive. I almost fell into tears of joy right in front of them, touched and happy that I had people on my side at last. I wasn’t alone anymore.
We sat in my living room, where I told them about the car ride with Hayden, deliberately skipping the sensitive parts of our conversation. It took some time to convince them Hayden didn’t hurt me.
Mateo’s and my gazes kept locking, which brought me back to the embarrassing moment when we were about to kiss but got interrupted by Hayden. I knew it wasn’t my fault that Hayden attacked Mateo, but I couldn’t get rid of the guilt. Mateo’s swollen, half-closed right eye only enforced it.
“Can we talk somewhere private?” he asked me then, taking us all by surprise.
“Sure,” I answered and led him to my kitchen, extremely nervous and embarrassed to talk with him.
His face was deadly serious when he faced me, standing so close that I had to force myself to stay in place instead of getting some personal space.
“What is the deal with this guy, Hayden? Is he one of those people from your school who bullies you?”
Sheesh . He didn’t waste time, straight to the point. “Yes,” I replied, glancing sideways.
I was fazed when his fingers caught my chin and pulled my face up to meet his. “Did you tell us the truth? He didn’t hurt you last night?”
I couldn’t stand his nearness anymore, so I took a few steps back, breaking our contact and putting some distance. “He didn’t hurt me. He just brought me home, and that’s it.”