“It feels like something is pushing me to hurt you. More and more. Like an addict who feeds on their precious obsession, their lifeline. I feel great, but then the darkness arrives, and it feels like thousands of knives cut into my flesh, again and again, ripping me into pieces, and there is no one I hate more than myself.” He looked like he was in pain, breathing with difficulty. “I hate myself for being this mess, for not being sure about anything. One day could bring me peace, but that same day could be my doom. I just want this fucking chatter to stop, so I won’t have to live in this hollowness anymore.”
Oh God. His unexpected words felt like a kick in the gut, revealing the great extent of his sadness and insecurity.
“What are you talking about, Hayden?”
“I’m talking about this everlasting hate. It spread toward Kayden. It spread toward you.”
My lip wobbled, a warm tear finding its way down my cheek. I glanced at the spot where his scar was, but I couldn’t see it in the darkness of the cabin. “Please,” I whispered. “Don’t say anything else.”
“I hurt you, and everything has sense,” he continued, ignoring my plea. “It’s justice because you’re a bad person, right? It makes me feel righteous.”
“No more,” I gritted through my teeth.
“But I’m like an addict, and you know what happens when the drug wears off. The reality hits you hard, and you feel like shit. And feeling horrible for hurting you becomes unbearable.”
I closed my eyes, hoping the sorrow would vanish, but he took me by my chin and made me look at him. “Yes, I hate you, Sarah. And I don’t hate you. I want to hurt you. And I want to keep you safe like that precious last drop of water in a dry desert.” His devastating pain was eating me alive. Hayden was telling me so much, yet the more I learned, the less I knew. Who is Hayden Black?
“You, Sarah, are my last fucking drop of water, my last salvation, and despite everything—despite this never-ending fight against myself—I can’t leave you alone.”
Something hit my defensive barriers, threatening to break them completely. Warm tear after warm tear rolled down, and I despised myself for crying in front of him again, but then he did something that astounded me. He brought his cold fingers to my cheeks and gently wiped away my tears, touching me so slightly that I could well be imagining it. His eyes traced the places his fingers touched with a raw intensity that took my breath away.
For a moment, I felt like him—feeding on that precious, horrible drug I couldn’t live without. Hayden was that drug, making me lose myself in the moment and marvelous sensations that permeated me and erased every trace of reason. I knew I had to move away from him, yet his fluttery touch snared me, and my heart crumbled.
This wasn’t sane. I should get out of the car and distance myself from him. I hated him. Why was this happening to me when I hated him?
I hate him.
Why can’t I move away from him? Why do I feel so warm inside when he looks at me like this?
Don’t do this to yourself.
He tried to kill you.
I couldn’t let him play me like this. I could never forget what he’d done to me.
Refusing to succumb to these confusing emotions, I pushed him away from me and unbuckled my seat belt.
“I’m out of here.”
I knew we were in the middle of nowhere, and going out at this time and place was crazy, but I couldn’t think normally next to Hayden. Everything was a blur next to him. Everything was confusing and twisted, and this ever-present sadness was crushing me.
“What? No. Don’t go.”
He caught my wrists, preventing me from opening the door, and my anger skyrocketed. “Let me go!”
I yanked against him, but he didn’t release me, and I yanked again and again... I was burning with fury, tired of him controlling me. I was tired of this emotional roller coaster I was riding the whole evening. I was tired of everything. I couldn’t take this anymore. The hot poison spread through my veins, and I wanted to hit something badly.
“Let me go, son of a bitch!” I tugged against him even harder, managing to break the contact, and pushed him away again. “Don’t touch me! Don’t you dare put a single finger on me!”
He recoiled. “Sarah—”
“I can’t stand being here with you!” I hit my fist against the window, embracing the dull pain that came from the impact. “You’re too much! After everything you’ve done, what more do you want from me?” Too restless to endure this a second longer, I reached for the door handle.
“Please, Sarah...” Please? Suddenly, Hayden hugged me from behind, as if trying to calm me down. He rested his head against my shoulder, holding me tightly, and the fierceness of his actions threw me completely off balance.
I stilled as I stared into the darkness outside, drinking in the warmth of his body behind mine.
He couldn’t be holding me like this.
“Don’t do this.” His voice was pleading, opposite of everything that was Hayden, and that scared me more than anything. My blood rushed frantically through my veins as I waited for... What? “Don’t go away. I... I... I need you .” Something clutched my heart, mercilessly crushing it.
And just like that, all my fury was gone, leaving disappointment in its wake.
I loved you, Hayden. Once upon a time, I wanted to wipe away your darkness. Now, after everything you’ve done... It’s too late.
“Why are you telling me all of this?” I asked, my voice unusually hoarse. “For once, tell me the truth.”
He flinched like he’d been burned, separating himself from me, and I turned to face him. The fear I found on his bruised face came like bolt from the blue. This was the first time ever that I saw Hayden looking insecure and lost.
I thought he would refuse to give me an answer or throw some insult at me, but he surprised me when he said, “Because I can’t let you go. I tried, but I can’t.” He heaved a long sigh and looked away, unable to look me in the eyes. “I want you all for myself.”
My defensive barriers finally cracked, and I couldn’t stop that intoxicating warmth from filling me. I couldn’t stop it from affecting my heart.
Despite everything, that warmth brought me back to life. It gave color to grayness, and it produced music for my ears. It was so wrong, yet I felt as if everything clicked. Every piece of this mess was in its place, and it didn’t matter that he was so dark. I felt a strong pull to touch him and color his darkness into lighter shades, ending our loneliness.
I understood now that not all of my warm feelings died after the day of Kayden’s funeral. There had always been a tiny flame, surviving all these tortuous days. There had always been a tiny part of me that was desperately hoping to hear these words from Hayden. It was like a dream come true or better yet—a nightmare—because he and I could never be together.
I wanted nothing more than to go somewhere alone, so that I could cry my stupid heart out.
He didn’t deserve this. He didn’t deserve me. However, I was still giving him a piece of me. What a foolish girl I was.
I might still feel something for him, but I wouldn’t let him have it.
I let out a short chuckle. His eyes widened, as if someone slapped him. I chuckled again, this time longer, darker.