I willed myself to return his burning stare and withstand the pain that was crushing me on the inside, a deep voice inside of me claiming this was all wrong. I couldn’t stand the way he looked at me, like I’d destroyed everything in him. I had to remind myself that he was my bully, my enemy, my unreasonable love... However, life was everything but black and white. It would be perfect to have a switch that could turn off our emotions and make our brains rule over every situation, but that was what human beings were—imperfect.
Right now, my heart wanted to bleed out, begging me to go to him and tell him everything was going to be all right. It begged me to do something to make the fear that was evident in his eyes go away. It begged me to remember there could be much more between us only if I let it happen... Despite knowing Hayden could bring me a huge amount of pain, there was always the slightest possibility that he could make me the happiest person alive.
I closed my eyes, refusing to listen to my stupid heart. Maybe Hayden deserved a chance at redemption, but it was too late for us.
Taking a deep breath, I met Hayden’s gaze. I had to pull myself together. I would be okay. I was falling apart now, but I would be better. I had to be.
Hayden’s face was completely blank now, and his eyes didn’t show anything anymore. He’d shut himself off, returning into his old shell that made me feel like we were so far away from each other. He looked at Mateo, noticing his arm placed around my waist, and slowly returned his eyes to mine.
“I was right about you, after all. You’re a heartless, cold bitch. I was so stupid thinking you were different. I was stupid for coming here today.” He took a step backward, separating himself more from me. “You don’t deserve anything but pain. You can forget about everything I said to you last night. You can forget about that Hayden because you’ll never see him again. You want to be with this dickhead? Fucking suit yourself, bitch. From this day on, you don’t exist for me anymore.”
And just like that, he rushed out of the room and slammed the door shut.
My legs failed me, but Mateo managed to catch me before I fell on the floor. “Sarah! Easy.”
He helped me lie back down and tucked me in. I closed my eyes, pressing my forearm against my face, and finally burst into tears. Being free of Hayden was all I ever wanted... So why did I feel this searing pain?
“Don’t cry. That jerk doesn’t deserve your tears.” He narrowed his eyes. “I can’t believe him. Seriously, you shouldn’t have stopped me. I should’ve smashed his face for all the disgusting things he said to you—“
“Mateo,” I interrupted him weakly. I couldn’t even listen to him. All I felt was sorrow, which drowned me more and more, and I felt so lost. I hurt Hayden. I hurt both of us.
I made the right choice, but why did it hurt so much?
“I’m sorry, but can you go now? I need to be alone.”
“Sarah—”
“Mateo, please. I want to be alone. Please, leave me alone.” I couldn’t stand having anyone by my side at the moment, least of all Mateo. I desperately wanted to be alone. I couldn’t think straight at the moment...
“But, you aren’t all right. That asshole was—”
“Please!” I cast him a pleading gaze. Right now, I needed a lot of space. I needed to forget. “I want to be alone now.” I looked away, feeling ashamed, but my shame was nothing compared to the devastation in me after my separation from Hayden. As if last night wasn’t enough, I had to go through this pain again.
Hayden returned even though I told him it was too late for us.
I swallowed my hot tears. It didn’t matter anymore. It didn’t.
Mateo put the contents of Hayden’s bag back inside and placed the bag on the nightstand next to my bed. “I’ll just leave this here, okay?” he said. “I’ll go now.”
He covered my hand once again, but I didn’t react. We kissed just a few minutes ago, but I couldn’t feel happy about it anymore. I knew I had to pull myself together before this thing with Mateo went any further, but right now I couldn’t battle this darkness. I wasn’t strong enough, and I didn’t want Mateo to witness that.
I just nodded at him and watched him walk away. He opened the door and glanced at me, offering me a smile of comfort, but I couldn’t return it. He left the room, and a searing pain clutched me, leaving me more miserable than ever.
I was shaking and sobbing, cursing my life and all this blackness that surrounded me. I felt like one tiny step I made forward was destroyed with a dozen steps backward, and all I could feel was the poison that was killing me fast.
I took the bag from the nightstand and looked at its contents, shuddering. My heart contracted painfully when I realized that he’d brought me a sketch pad, which had a special type of paper that allowed for better sketching. I opened the cover and found Hayden’s message on the first page.
“I suck when it comes to gifts, but it can get boring in hospitals, so I thought you would want to draw something while you’re here.
Hayden.”
Oh my God. I cried out in pain. My hands were cold as I picked up the graphite and watercolor pencils from the bottom of the bag. He knew. He knew exactly how I drew, and he knew what I would need.
He brought this for me. He never gave me anything, but now he’d given me this, and it was so precious. It was small, but it meant everything.
The pressure built in my chest and head, and I couldn’t fight off the nausea. It was too much.
The last thing in the bag was the letter I saw on the floor earlier. I took a deep breath, terrified to open it. Somehow, I felt it would be my undoing.
Gathering my last particle of strength, I took the envelope in my quivering hands and opened it. I unfolded the long sheet of paper and stared at the written words through my tears.
“It’s difficult for me to explain how the devastating darkness feels, so I wrote this poem for you. I’m not asking for forgiveness. You already said you won’t ever be able to forgive me. I just wanted to give you a glimpse into my deranged world.
I’m sorry.
Everlasting Black and White
A long time ago, my dearest brother was only mine,
But then you arrived, brought turmoil, and became his greatest shine.
One regretful day he died and left havoc, darkness, and pain,
All of a sudden, I lost my twin; I lost my everything.
You were there, the light on my terrifying road, the sweet toxin in my veins,
But you got lost, too, in the darkness that took me away.
Without you I’m lost, but with you I’m crushed,
You’re my everlasting sorrow and my sweetest rush.
I hurt you, and my heart and bones break,
But it doesn’t matter because I’m taking my easy way out of the pain.
The limitless hole in my heart threw me into a suffocating despair,
I drowned, and there was no more peace, only an eternal nightmare.
There was no more fight, sanity or hope; just hatred, vengeance and death,
How could I believe there was light when he had taken his last breath?
You were the darkness that ripped my heart out,
And it came to destroying you or destroying me.
Without you I’m lost, but with you I’m crushed,
You’re my everlasting sorrow and my sweetest rush.