Even after hearing his truth and learning that he wanted to change—no matter how inconceivable it was—I couldn’t act like he didn’t terrorize me from the moment we met. I couldn’t forgive him for all the atrocities during last three years. He had a mental disorder, which was a fact that helped me understand our past a whole lot better, but his disorder didn’t justify all those cruel acts.
I didn’t know if I would ever be able to forget the abuse he put me through. He did come to my rescue, but everything was too fresh and I needed time and space. I needed to be away from him, because whenever he was near me, my emotions got the best of me, and I couldn’t keep doing that to myself.
However, I itched to pull him to me and hug him, overwhelmed with want, love, and pain. I closed my eyes, wishing things were simpler. I loved him. Even now, I wanted to help him. I wanted to give him the reason to smile. I wanted to show him he wasn’t alone anymore. I wanted his touch that made me feel wonderful and carefree.
I want him...
I opened my eyes and froze. He’d sat down on my bed, leaning so close to me now. His eyes burned into mine, creating chaos in my heart. My fast heartbeat was deafening in the anticipation of his next move.
He leaned even further and claimed my lips with an urgency that stole my breath and reason away. I left my hesitation behind and returned his kiss, losing myself when our tongues met. He slid his hand into my hair and cradled my head, holding me tightly as he played with my tongue, going deeper inside, and everything in me became tense and desperate for more. I clutched his waist, responding to his rough, passionate strokes with my own. There was no holding back as we took more from each other.
He moaned and pulled my lower lip into his mouth, sucking it greedily, and I opened my eyes. He was looking directly at me. Damn. His eyes glazed, he bit my lip and then licked that spot. We were both breathing heavily, not nearly satisfied and craving for much more.
He placed my head against his uninjured shoulder, snuggling up to me. “This was something I wanted for a long time,” he whispered hoarsely. “I want to stay with you.” I closed my eyes as the pleasure and bliss dispersed and the old sorrow returned.
I knew this was selfish of me. I wanted a taste of him, and I wanted him to make me forget everything just for a moment, but I didn’t intend to forget. Or forgive. I wanted this last kiss—this last illusion—before I finally let him go.
A few tears flowed out of my eyes, a whimper escaping my lips. He pulled away from me and took my hand, frowning. “What’s wrong?”
He told me so much tonight—much more than ever—but I still had a hard time believing him. I looked at the broken, tender Hayden in front of me. There wasn’t even a trace of the cruel, cold Hayden, and I struggled to understand everything he’d just told me. It was a hard pill to swallow.
I wanted him happy, and I wanted his agony gone, but I couldn’t be that person who would help him with his darkness. I had my own darkness, and it was too much to bear. I was afraid it would just expand if I tried to battle his. The reason why Carmen’s words hurt was because I knew she was right. I wasn’t the right person for him. He’d put me through so much because of the hate, revenge, insecurity, and pain, and I was too fragile and hungry for happiness that I couldn’t be strong for us both.
I had to fight my own demons and try to find my happiness without him. On my own.
I pulled my hand out of his. “Please. Go away.”
These words hurt more than anything. My chest constricted painfully, and I had to fight for air, ripping on the inside.
“What? No .”
I couldn’t look him in the eyes. “It’s too late. Please, go away.”
“I know it’s late, but I’ll talk with the staff, and they’ll have to let me stay—”
“No, Hayden, you don’t get it. It’s too late.” I willed myself to return his gaze, giving my best to stay strong enough to do this. I had to do this. “It’s too late for us. I can’t forgive you. After everything you’ve done to me... I just can’t.”
His face fell, revealing utter sadness and insecurity. His eyes lost the light they had just a few moments ago. There was no tenderness now. Just raw suffering.
“No. It’s not too late. I just told you the truth. I want to be with you—”
“You can’t be serious, Hayden. You think all it takes is to finally spill the truth and decide you want me? After all these years of pain you caused me?” I couldn’t breathe. I inhaled deeply, hoping the burning pain in my chest would go away.
“But you feel the same about me. You want me.”
“So what?!” I yelled, the tethers of my self-control snapping one by one. I couldn’t stand him hurting like me. He was shutting down with each passing second, going back to that old Hayden, and this made everything worse. My heart pumped so fast, the pressure in my head hitting all-time high.
We couldn’t keep going on like this. He needed help, and he wouldn’t be better next to me. I wouldn’t be better next to him. He didn’t deserve me.
“My feelings toward you don’t mean anything. I can’t forgive you, Hayden. Before anything, I have to love and respect myself. And even if you don’t hate me anymore, you will always blame me for the accident and Kayden’s death. You tried to kill me, and that is something I probably won’t ever be able to forgive.”
He got up and began pacing nervously. “Kill you? What the fuck? I never tried to kill you.”
“You strangled me!”
“But I didn’t do that to kill you,” he shouted back, fear clouding his eyes. “His room was a fucking trigger, and you were right there! Everything was the same, like on the day of his funeral. That was the first time I entered his room since then, and when I saw you... I just felt so much rage. Too much! I couldn’t control it.” He clenched his hands. “You can’t even begin to understand how I felt in that moment.”
I looked at my shaky hands on my lap. It didn’t matter. Even if he didn’t really try to kill me, it didn’t matter. I just needed him out of the room.
“Hayden—”
“Look, whatever I did or said, that was before. I don’t hate you anymore. I want you—“
“It doesn’t matter what you want, Hayden!” I was desperate to be alone.
He stopped pacing in the middle of the room, staring at me like I betrayed him. I needed him out of here. I pressed the nurse call button, hoping someone would arrive soon and get him out the room.
“It was always about you! Always about what you wanted or what you needed! You don’t care what I want! I want you out of here. I don’t want to see you. How can you be so selfish? How can’t you understand that?!”
My outburst only left me weak. Panting, I stared at him in dread. He was visibly shaking. Would he hurt me? Would he lose it after I lashed out at him like this? I couldn’t trust him. I always expected the worst of him, and despite these last few days and a few moments of tenderness, he was still that same unpredictable, dark Hayden.
He was completely still and silent for a few moments, his eyes glued to mine. “Don’t do this.” I barely heard his voice. One tear slid down his cheek, and I couldn’t bear to look at him anymore.