Billy touched his stomach instinctually as he looked away. "I'm definitely not hungry after that workout."
"Would you still come up for a second?" I asked. "Let's just talk for a minute before you drive off. I've been waiting for you."
I could tell that Billy was reluctant, but he decided to give in and come with me. He closed the car door and locked it before crossing the street with me. We walked up the stairs and into my apartment where we could finally get a moment alone. My sister was in the kitchen, but she was listening to music and not paying attention to us.
I was so anxious that I started talking the instant we got into the living room. "I have no idea why you're upset. It feels crazy that you won't even let me explain about last night. You won't even look at me."
We were standing in the middle of my living room, and he glanced at me when I said that.
"You don't need to explain," Billy said. "I don't care."
"You don't care about me?" I asked.
"I didn't say that. I said you don't need to explain what you were doing. You should go be with that guy. Or someone else like him. I'm not the right guy for you, Tess. And it's best if we stop spending so much time together."
"Billy, where is this coming from?"
"Tess, eventually I'm not going to be with you. And seeing you with that guy last night made me realize that I should just let you go so you can enjoy your summer and be with someone else."
"I don't want that. I don't want to be with anyone else."
It was an insane conversation to be having with my sister in the next room. I wanted to raise my voice, and I couldn’t.
"Well, this isn't going anywhere," he said. "The faster you accept that, the better off you'll be." He paused staring straight at me. "Don't. Don't. Tess, don’t cry."
A silent tear fell onto my cheek, and I swiped at it stubbornly with the back of my hand. "I'm not trying to cry," I said, gathering my wits. "I'm just frustrated that you're not giving me a vote in this. If you don't like me, just say it. It's easier that way."
"Fine, I… I… I don't…. I don't like you. I decided that I…" He paused and let out a long sigh. "Tess, I'm not who you think I am. I'm not a normal guy. I’m not going to marry you and have a baby and a house, and all that stuff you want. I'm not that guy. You need to meet somebody good. You don't need to waste time with me."
"Please stop making this about you," I said. "I like you. I want to be with you. I don't think it's a waste of time. If you're going to stop spending time with me then just come out and say you don't want to."
Billy grabbed me by the arms. He had a gentle but firm hold on me. He would have let me go if I would have resisted, but I didn't. I stared at him, begging him with my expression to be reasonable. Our living room was small, and we could hear my sister humming along to her music. I paid no attention at all to anything but Billy. I could not understand what had happened to flip the switch with him.
"I am not a normal man," he whispered. He took a slow breath and made a contemplative expression as if trying to decide on the right words. "I am a bad man, Tess. I'm bad for you and I'm bad in general."
"Listen, I was thinking about that," I said. "Some of those times where people end up thinking bad things about you, some of that is avoidable. Like with Daniel, you're right, you're not his babysitter and he makes his own choices. But maybe next time you can just make him sleep at your house instead of in his mom's flowerbed."
Billy opened his mouth like he was about to say something, and then he closed it again, hesitating. "I'm not talking about Daniel right now, Tess. That's really the least of my worries. He can work that out with his parents. I don't really care what they think about me."
"Yes, you do, if you're trying to sit here and tell me you're a bad person. I'm trying to tell you that you don't have to be seen that way. You can change people's perception of you."
"Tess, I don't care what people think. You should know that about me by now." He took his hands off of me and put his palm to his chest. "It's me. I'm not a normal person. There are things you don't know about me. Huge, life-changing things. Things that would definitely change your mind about me. Just take my word for it. I've lived through things that I don't even talk about. The faster you move on to somebody else, the better off you'll be."
"What if the things you've lived through don't make me feel any different about you? Does that count for anything?"
"It honestly makes this harder," he said. "I just need to not look at you, Tess. If we can just look the other way and leave each other alone, we'll both be… better off."
Billy had been looking downward as he spoke, and I tried to get him to look at me by tilting his face with my fingers. He resisted a little, so I stopped touching him, but he made eye contact with me.
"I don't care what it is, Billy," I said quietly.
Billy took me by the arms again. He took a deep, uneven breath. I could feel the tension radiating off of him. He was restraining himself, but power and emotion emanated off of him. He leaned down and put his mouth near my ear and whispered intently.
"I'm warning you that what I'm about to say will make you hate me. It'll make you scared of me."
"Tell me," I begged, whispering in his ear.
"I killed my father," he said. "I shot and killed my father when I was thirteen years old." He swallowed. His whisper was hoarse. I stayed quiet, assuming he would say something else. "My mom took the blame. She said she had done it in self-defense, and everyone believed her because he used to beat her so bad." Billy paused for another deep breath, but I just stayed still, waiting to hear what else he would say. "My mom never got over it, and three years later, she overdosed on alcohol. This was ten years ago," he added. "And before that, I lived a childhood of straight fear. Living with my father was pure torture. I am not a normal person, Tess. I feel like I'm fifty years old right now. Eighty years old. I'm not capable of having a girlfriend or a wife and kids and all that. There's darkness in me. It has nothing to do with you. You are everything a man could want. It's all I can do not to… I'm having to stop myself from falling… it's not about you, Tess. I'm sorry if you're scared of me now, but you see why I can't—"
"I'm not scared of you," I said, grabbing onto him when his grip loosened on me. I wasn't looking at him when I said it, but I knew he heard me. He had been whispering near my ear the whole time, and our eyes weren't connected, but were close. His mouth was near my ear.
He took a long, measured breath when I said I wasn't scared of him, and I reached out and wrapped my arms all the way around him. I moved slowly, but once I realized that he was letting me do it, I wrapped my arms around his mid-section, burying my face on his chest, and squeezing him firmly. His arms didn't come around me to hug me back. He felt stiff and rigid, and I didn't realize until a few seconds later that he was crying. He was crying without making a sound. He was crying so hard that his entire stomach and chest were flexed and seized-up with the effort of one long sob. I held him tighter. He was hot to the touch, and he cried in long, almost silent breaths like there was ten years of emotion stored up, and it was seeping out of the cracks all at once. He let out long, wheezing breaths. He cried tightly, in a masculine way like it almost hurt to come out.