I just stood there and held him as tightly as I could. After what felt like a full minute, Billy took a deep breath like he was about to speak. "Please don't tell anyone," he said. "Not even your sister. I didn't mean to tell you that just now, I just—"
"I won't," I promised, and I meant it. I pulled back far enough to focus on him, but he glanced away. "Billy, look at me," I said.
He glanced at me, but he had a hard time. He was wearing a serious, almost dazed expression. His eyes met mine, but he seemed disconnected.
"I'm still here," I whispered, staring straight into his watering eyes.
He looked at me for several seconds. "Why?" he whispered.
"Because I still want to be with you," I said, unflinching. "That didn't change after what you said just now."
He was slow to respond and he looked confused and disbelieving, but finally, he said, "How?"
"What do you mean, how?"
"I mean how could you want to stand here and still look at me after what I just said? Did you hear me?"
I stared into his sad, disbelieving eyes. He was a young man, and he had lived through things I couldn't imagine. I felt no fear or trepidation toward him. I felt only love and empathy. I wanted to help him love himself again.
"I don't think you heard what I said," he said again, still looking confused, unconvinced.
"I did hear you, Billy," I said. I had loosened my grip on him when I pulled back, but I squeezed him again, resting my head against his chest and hugging him, reassuring him. "I heard you, and I'm not scared at all. I don't want you to leave. It makes my heart feel broken when you talk about not spending time with me anymore."
Chapter 12
Billy wrapped his arms loosely around me, tentatively holding me. I had just held him tightly while he let out a stream of unrelenting tears. He had been unable or unwilling to hold me back until this point, and my heart grew happy when I felt him move to take me into his arms.
He had showered at the gym, and he smelled like soap. I could feel his muscular body, and somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew I was attracted to him. But that wasn't a thought I was having at this moment. Right now, I had to make sure his heart was okay. I continued to hold him, but I leaned back to look at him. I reached up and wiped at his tear-soaked cheek with my thumb.
He had said enough that I knew he had killed his father because he was being abusive. I could see the hurt and distant coldness in his eyes. I wished I had been there to comfort him when he was a child.
"I figure we'll talk more about it and say more about it later, Billy. But for now, can you just know that I want to be with you? Please just know I still want to be next to you after what you said just now."
"I don't understand how you could," he said. "I don't feel like I'm suited to be with anyone, Tess. Especially someone like you. You deserve everything. You deserve someone normal without a, such a, someone who's whole."
"No one's whole," I said. "Everybody's imperfect. It's just a matter of whether or not your imperfect fits well with my imperfect."
"I'm pretty sure I have a type of imperfect that doesn't fit with anyone."
"I see that you're pretty sure about that," I said sarcastically, referring to that fact that he was standing there holding me.
Billy just stared at me like he couldn't believe that I was still standing there. He was actually convinced that I would leave after he told me those things. He hadn't imagined himself in this situation. I could tell by his expression that he didn't know what to say to me.
"Did you think that because of what you did all those years ago that you're just not going to ever have anything lasting? Any lasting relationships? Family relationships?"
"I have friendships and stuff," he said. "But no. Not a family or anything. No."
"Well, I'm sorry, but I can't let you do that. I can't let you just, go away from me that easy. I'm too used to having you around me now, and this information doesn't change that… on my end."
My sister picked that moment to walk from the kitchen to the living room.
"Oh, hey, Billy, I didn't even know you were here. Did you come to see the painting? Tess finished it yesterday. I was looking at it this morning thinking Billy's going to love this one. Are you…" Abigail hesitated once she came more fully into the room. "Are you crying?" She sounded confused because Billy was not a crier. She had gotten to know him well enough to know that he was not the type to cry.
"Billy kind of got sick while he was over at boxing," I said. I pulled him to the couch with me, and he followed without hesitation.
"Oh, really?" Abigail asked, looking concerned. "Is it his stomach?"
I nodded.
She had a bowl full of spaghetti and she stopped in her tracks. "I think I'll go eat this in the bedroom, if your stomach's upset," she said.
"You don't have to," Billy said.
"It's fine. I need to go in there and call Evelyn, anyway. She's coming to pick me up in a little while, and I need to figure out what I should wear."
Abigail disappeared into the next room as Billy and I got comfortable on my couch. He sat in the corner, and I curled up next to him, drawing near and assuring him that I didn't feel differently.
"Tell me everything," I said.
"What?"
"If you want to," I said. "You don't have to. But I was just thinking… I don't mind hearing more… if you want to talk about it."
Billy took a deep breath. I situated myself where I was facing the back of the couch, facing Billy. I leaned onto his lap and reached up to touch the side of his face. I was looking at him, loving on him, doting over him. I felt like he was owed that after he had been carrying such a heavy weight for so long. I was happy to be the one to help him through it. It was instantly my mission to make Billy know he was capable of redemption. That task felt like a joy to me. I needed to let him know he was capable of living a good life. I had to show him he could do it. I had to show him how. My heart was drawn to Billy now more than ever.
He sighed. I didn't know if he was going to tell me more or not.
"My mom and I took regular beatings when I was a kid. My dad drank a lot and he got violent a lot too. I didn't plan on doing it. I didn't think about it before it happened. We fought, and he was taking drugs, so I just couldn't hurt him enough to knock him out. He just kept coming at me. My mom was already too hurt to help me. I was in a bad situation, and I had access to his gun, so I used it. In that moment, I felt like it was him or me. I pointed it at him, and I pulled the trigger. I can't believe I'm even saying that out loud. I haven't said it to anyone since my mom, and even then, it was only once, and she wasn't… I don't know. It all happened so fast. I told her I did it, and she told me to never tell anyone. She had a busted face and bruises all over her body to go with her confession of self-defense, and she didn't serve any jail time. We moved to Galveston to get a fresh start, but she drank herself to death after that. She wasn't much of a mom before that, but afterward, I hardly knew her. I think she might have been scared of me. I don’t know if she was or not. Things changed after the thing with my dad, and I was just alone. I have friends, and I come across as fairly normal, but I'm not normal, Tess."