“I’m scared.” I admit with blurry eyes, because I am. I’m terrified of screwing this up and a part of me still thinks this is a bad idea. The thought of this baby leaving my arms makes a terrorizing pressure build in my chest.
Rose lifts her face off the bed, red and blotchy, but her eyes are filled with such happiness I can’t help but kick my lips up in a little smile.
“I know it’s going to be scary, but I’ll help you. Whatever you need, I’ll be with you every step of the way. I promise.” She runs the back of her finger over his forehead. “He’s perfect. Absolutely perfect.”
I watch as his tiny lips go into a pout and my heart skips. He is perfect.
We sit and stare at him, not saying anything to him as we take in this perfect little human in front of us. I think about how things will be now. I’ll be up all hours of the night. I’m going to have to get a job, I suppose. Probably need to move around some of the things inside the house to fit all the baby stuff in there…
“Oh, no. Rose…”
She looks up at me. “What is it?”
“I need baby stuff.” I sigh. There’s no way I’m going to be able to afford to buy anything. Even going to a thrift store, I just don’t have the money. “What am I going to do? How am I going to get what I need? Diapers? Clothes? I have nothing…” Tears spring to my eyes again. “Maybe I can’t do this…”
She lays her hand on my arm. “Take a deep breath. We’ll figure it out, okay? Don’t worry about it. You’ll be here a couple more days to heal, and I’ll figure out what you need in the meantime.”
I look up at her, nerves making my hands shake. I take a deep breath and glance down at my baby boy. Everything’s going to be okay. It has to be, because I’m not going to let myself fail. We’ll get through it, one way or another.
“Cara?” Comes a familiar voice, and when I look over to the doorway, there stands Amanda and Colton with sad and excited looks on their faces. Amanda is covering her mouth with both hands as she zones in on the baby. Colton looks off in a daze, like he can’t believe this is really happening.
I can’t either. Shit. I forgot all about them.
When I first became pregnant, I knew I couldn’t keep the baby. Jackson refused to agree with adoption, so Rose helped me pick out this couple. Although Jackson didn’t agree, he did go with me to meet them. I think he liked them. He never said anything, but we both came to a silent agreement that they would be the best couple to raise our son. They’re perfect. Both of them have jobs that could allow them to be around the baby enough. Their house is perfect. They were already getting things ready for the baby. These are people that are full of good all the way down to their soul.
Now I have to break their hearts.
The thought of me tearing what they desperately want away from them makes me want to go and hide so I never have to be the person to ruin their lives.
Amanda steps inside and hesitantly walks towards me. Rose stands to her full height, catching Amanda’s attention. Amanda stops and stares at me, and I can’t help the tears—again—that flood to my eyes. These are some of the greatest people I’ve ever met, and I’m about to crush their dreams.
Amanda cocks her head to the side as she stares at me, and all I can do is shake my head. Her mouth drops, and she hiccups. Hiccups again, and then breaks out into a sob. She looks at Colton, looks back over at me, and then turns and speeds from the room as another sob breaks free. I have to hold my own breath to stop my own sob from breaking loose.
I can’t. I can’t. I can’t.
Rose lifts the baby out of my arms as I look at Colton. He stands there with a shocked look on his face, and I feel like the worst person in the entire world. He nods his head and turns around to head out the door, right when he’s about to disappear, he turns around and walks up to me.
He can’t even look at the baby.
“I’m not sure what happened, but when we got the call from the adoption agency that you had the baby, we couldn’t believe it. It doesn’t matter though, because you’re going to be a great mom. Jackson will be a great dad, and you both will be just fine.” He lays a hand on my shoulder. “You ever need anything—anything—call me. I’ll be here.”
I nod, too choked up to say anything as he leaves the room. I can’t believe I know someone as great as him who is still willing to help me if I need anything. I don’t know if he actually would at the end of the day. His wife probably hates my guts.
All I can do is make them proud. I hope I can be a good mom and I hope Jackson can be a good dad.
Jackson.
“Where’s Jackson?” I wipe my eyes as I look over at Rose. She looks shell-shocked as she stares at the empty doorway. Maybe she assumed it would’ve gone better than that, or worse. I don’t know, but my question snaps her out of her gaze, and she glances at me. This time with worried eyes.
She shakes her head.
My body locks up, and it feels like someone placed a meteor on my chest for how difficult it is to suck in a breath.
“What does that mean?” I mimic shaking my head. “What the hell does that mean?”
“I think you need to calm down and rest before we talk about Jackson. You just woke up and have already made some pretty huge decisions.”
I push myself to a sit, wincing when the sutures in my abdomen protest my movements. “I’m fine. Tell me.”
Rose bites her lip as she stares at me, saying nothing.
“Rose!” I slap my hand on the bed beside me. “Tell me right now or I’m getting out of this bed to go find out myself.”
“Okay! Okay, okay.” She walks over and lays the baby down in its little hospital bassinet before grabbing a nearby chair and pulling it over to the bed. “You need to promise me you won’t panic, or freak out, or do anything that’s going to hurt you more than you already are.”
Acid bubbles in my throat and I swallow down the nausea. “You’re freaking me out. Where is Jackson?”
“Promise me, Cara!”
“I promise, now fucking tell me!” I grit through my teeth.
She takes a deep breath. “Do you remember anything before the hospital?”
I think back, trying to remember where I was or what I was doing.
“I remember going to The Pit.” I bite my lip. “Jackson was late. I was so mad at him.”
Rose nods sadly.
“You guys went… somewhere.”
“To get the cars.” Rose says.
I nod. “Yeah, you were getting the cars when Randall showed up.”
“What happened when he showed up?” She asks softly.
“Jackson went to the back because he didn’t want to get in a fight with him around a ton of strangers.”
I remember hearing grunts. I knew something was wrong, I shouldn’t have waited so long.
“I heard some noises and went to the back.” I shake my head. “They were fighting pretty bad.” My heart rate picks up. “I thought he was going to kill Jackson. I-I did what I had to.” I hiccup as I think about stabbing Randall.
“It’s okay. Keep going.” Rose grabs my hand and gives it a small squeeze.
“I s-stabbed him, and he stabbed me! My water broke. It was so painful. Then you guys showed up and…” I try to think… “Then I woke up here.”