But that wasn’t happening.
When he leaned down toward me, he placed a gentle peck on my forehead and said, “Get some sleep.”
How does one even respond after the kind of orgasm he’d just given me? There was really only one thing to say.
“Thank you.”
“Happy birthday, beautiful,” he said. Then he walked away and slowly shut the door behind him.
Happy birthday, indeed.
* * *
The next morning, the faint smell of Deacon’s cologne lingered on my sheets. Desire pooled in me all over again. As I forced myself out of bed, I could still feel his mouth on me.
Once my feet found the cold bedroom floor, though, everything hit me like a ton of bricks.
Holy shit.
Deacon went down on me last night.
He gave me an orgasm—on my birthday—then left like a bat out of hell.
How would I ever look at him again? How would I ever have a casual conversation, stare at his lips and not remember what they felt like between my legs while his tongue was inside of me? How could I ever forget the way he groaned when he was pleasuring me, as if he’d been starving for it? Or the fact that he told me I was amazing while he sucked on my breasts and fingered me? God, his words. His freaking words.
Use me.
Use me.
Use me.
I walked across the apartment to Sunny’s room in a daze. She was awake but quiet, which was rare.
“Thank you for sleeping in this morning, baby girl. Because Mommy really needed it.”
My brain felt foggy.
After I changed Sunny, I brought her out to the kitchen and placed her in the highchair.
A few minutes later, my phone chimed.
Deacon: Morning.
What the heck do I say?
Carys: Good morning.
The little dots danced as he typed.
Deacon: You okay?
I wasn’t sure whether he was being polite or really wanted to know what I was thinking this morning. I wanted to type a diatribe about my feelings, how I was scared things would never be the same, how I couldn’t stop thinking about him, how I craved the return of his mouth, yet I opted for a simpler response.
Carys: Yeah. I’m great.
Deacon: Good. Just making sure.
What else could I say? Thanks again for last night?
Instead of making a fool of myself, I didn’t text back.
And neither did he.
CHAPTER 12
Deacon
THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM
My friend Adrian waved a hand in front of my face. “Hey, man. What’s up? You seem distracted.”
Adrian was one of the few close friends I had here in New York. When I first got to town three years ago, he and I had randomly met in Bryant Park and struck up a conversation. At the time, I’d been staying at a hotel while I apartment hunted. He ended up giving me a room until I could find a permanent place. He was probably my best friend now. But I’d never mentioned Carys to him, mainly because he was so good at seeing through me.
It had been two days since Carys’s birthday “surprise,” and I decided to take Adrian up on his offer to meet for lunch just to get out of the damn apartment.
I looked down at the menu in front of me and brushed off his concern. “It’s nothing.”
“If you say so. But if you wanna talk about it, I’m here.”
I let out a long breath. If I couldn’t talk about it with Adrian, who could I open up to?
“I fucked up,” I finally said, closing the menu and sliding it away.
“Okay. Be more specific.”
“I crossed the line with someone I shouldn’t have.”
“Someone meaning a woman, I take it.”
“Yeah, one who’s supposed to be a good friend. That’s the fucked-up part.”
“So you crossed the line with a friend? That’s a tale as old as time, man. Nothing wrong with going out of the friend zone if it feels right. You’re an adult.”
“There’s more to it than that. This girl…she’s different. She’s been through a lot. And she deserves someone who has his shit together, someone who’ll be there for her and Sunny long term. I’m not that person.”
“Wait…” He narrowed his eyes. “Sunny? Who’s Sunny?”
“Her daughter.”
“Ah. She’s got a kid.” He now seemed to understand why this was complicated. “How old?”
“Nine months.”
His eyes went wide. “A baby?”
I chuckled at his reaction. “Yeah.”
“Where’s the father?”
“He’s not in the picture. He left when he found out she was pregnant. Sounds like a real gem. Went back to his ex-wife.”
“What’s this chick’s name?”
“Carys—with a C.” I smiled. “Carys like Paris.”
“That’s different.”
“Yeah, so is she—in a good way.”
He squinted. “You really like her. I can tell. I haven’t heard you talk about a woman like this since I met you.”
I pondered his words. “She and I have a strong connection. We also have a lot in common. She was a ballet dancer before an injury took her out.”
“Oh, shit, like you.” He laughed. “Well, not the ballet part. But same idea.”
“Yeah, so we can relate to each other. But also, we just jibe, you know? Our conversations are comfortable and easy. She’s beautiful on the inside and out. And the way she handles everything life’s thrown at her? It’s like the personification of grace under fire.”
A look of amusement crossed his face. “Yeah, you don’t like this chick at all.”
Though my feelings were apparently transparent, I shook my head and laughed in an attempt to brush off his statement. “And her daughter is a sweet little thing. Even in the short time I’ve known them, Sunny’s gotten used to me. She knows me. That’s dangerous. I don’t want her to wonder where I am when I inevitably stop coming around.” I sighed. “It’s just hard because they’re right next door.”
“Shit, okay. This is your neighbor. The one you mentioned having coffee with.”
“Yup.”
“I hadn’t put two and two together.” Adrian looked perplexed. “So, we never really talked about this, but why is the kid thing a problem? You don’t want to be a dad someday? Or is it just that you don’t want to be a dad to someone else’s kid?”
The thought of rejecting Sunny because she wasn’t my blood hurt my heart a little. It wasn’t about that. This was about me, not her. She deserved better.
“I made a decision a long time ago not to have kids.” I had my reasons; I just preferred not getting into them right now—maybe ever.
“Why?”
“Just a personal decision. If I know I don’t want kids, it’s not fair to get involved with a woman whose entire life is her daughter.”
“So if you feel that way, what happened? You just slipped?” He leaned in and whispered, “You fucked her?”