Two: You can’t choose who you love. It never mattered what I told myself about not getting into a relationship with Carys. From the moment we connected, I was destined to lose the battle with my brain.
Three: Full freedom can’t be achieved until you forgive yourself. I finally sought therapy for my fear of failure and harming others and learned how important self-compassion was to my recovery.
Four: It’s not all about you, Deacon. There were things in life far more important than myself. Sunny taught me that. When you have children, they come first, always.
And finally, I learned blood doesn’t make you family. Sunny is my daughter, and it doesn’t matter that I didn’t technically make her. The only caveat? I had to share the father role with Charles. She called neither one of us Dad. I was Deek and he was Cha-Cha. But we both believed we were her father, neither of us willing to give that designation to the other. So we accepted that Sunny would have two fathers, each checking and balancing the other and holding each other accountable.
My daughter is a trip. She recently learned to twerk, thanks to Charles’s daughter, Talia. At five and a half, Sunny’s speech was still a work in progress. While Carys and I could understand almost everything she said, it wasn’t always clear to others. But we’d been told that with continued therapy, her speech would improve as she got older. She’d be able to meet all the same milestones as a typical kid, just on her own schedule. No one knew exactly what the future would bring for Sunny in terms of living independently, but I had high hopes that she would achieve whatever she set her sights on. I’d be there cheering her on until the day I died.
Of course, it wouldn’t have been possible for me to fall in love with Sunny if I hadn’t fallen in love with her mother first. A couple of years ago, Carys and I left Sunny behind with Charles for the first time and flew to Vegas to get married. It was four glorious days of having my beautiful ballerina all to myself. Soon after we got back, we moved to the suburbs of New Jersey so we could have a yard.
Now we were typical suburbanites, spending our Saturday morning at our kid’s soccer game. Not only had I never foreseen myself as a dad, but I certainly never imagined my grand return to sports would be as a soccer coach for a bunch of rugrats. Sunny’s school offered an integrated sports program, so the kids with special needs played right alongside the others. I figured rather than having to force myself to stay on the sidelines, I’d coach the team—you know, in case Sunny ever needed me.
But you know what? Most of the time, she didn’t. And I was learning to let her fall sometimes. That was hard.
I waved to Charles, sitting in the stands with his two kids. They showed up for each and every one of Sunny’s games. When we moved, we’d intentionally bought a place close to Charles, since he often helped out with Sunny.
Our daughter was a joy to watch on the field. She loved being around other kids, and they’d often help lead her in the right direction. She didn’t always follow the rules of the game, and had only made one goal the entire season, with the help of one of her peers, but she always had a smile on her face. With Sunny, it was never about the destination. It was the journey. If she fell while running, she always picked herself up and kept going. People could definitely learn a few things from my little girl.
When today’s game finally ended, Sunny ran to Carys, who’d been watching from a blanket on the grass. Charles and his kids came over to give her high fives.
A couple of parents interrupted me on my way to my family, so it took me a while to join them.
When I finally broke free and got to Carys, I said, “Ready to head home?”
She nodded and tugged on one of Sunny’s two blond braids. “You’re going to need the longest bath, girl. Let’s get you home and scrub you down.”
I leaned in to whisper in Carys’s ear, “Did you say rub down? I could use a rub down later.”
She shook her head, and I stole a quick kiss before wrapping my arm around her. We walked back toward the car.
Sunny looked up at me and made her hand into a fist while mimicking licking a cone, which was sign language for ice cream. The ice cream truck was parked at the edge of the parking lot.
“You need to have lunch first,” I told her.
She jumped up and down. “Peez, Deek!”
I sighed and reached for my wallet.
“You’re such a sucker.” Carys laughed.
After we got Sunny her frozen treat, we resumed the long walk to the car, which was parked at the far end of the lot in a shady spot under a tree.
“I was so proud of Sunny today,” Carys said. “I’m glad I never pushed the ballet thing, because it’s clear she’s much more interested in sports.”
Carys now held a part-time position as an instructor for a local dance school. She’d tried enrolling Sunny in some classes there, but all our daughter did was fidget with her tutu and make silly faces at me. She had no interest, but she was always excited for her soccer practice and games.
“Well, if Sunny’s going to be a tomboy, maybe I can get this one to dance with me.” Carys kissed the top of our baby boy’s head.
“If he wants to dance instead of playing sports, that’s his choice,” I said.
Jack had been sleeping in the carrier on Carys’s chest the entire game. He was six months old now—exactly the age Sunny was when I met Carys. We’d waited to have a baby so we could give Sunny as much attention as possible in her toddler years. Then when Carys found out she was pregnant, she decided to leave her PR gig to devote more time to the kids and not commute into the city. Our boy evened out our little family of four. And I was much better equipped to change diapers this time around.
We got to the car, and Carys got Jack into his car seat while I fastened Sunny’s seatbelt as she continued to eat her ice cream.
As we drove through the parking lot, Sunny yelled, “Monkey bah!”
Carys and I turned to each other.
“Did she just say monkey balls?” Carys asked. “Who taught you that, Sunny?”
Sunny pointed to her left. “Monkey bah!”
I realized she was pointing to the playground. Monkey bars. “Monkey bars!” I said.
“Oh!” Carys started to laugh. “For a second, I thought you taught her that.” Carys turned around. “No playground today, honey. We don’t have time. Maybe next weekend.”
As we traveled down the tree-lined road, I could see Carys smiling over at me.
“What are you smiling at, beautiful?”
“When I met you, I couldn’t have imagined the stud next door would end up my husband, and we’d be living in the suburbs with two kids.”
“And that I’d be coaching soccer. Not exactly playing the field in the same way anymore.” I chuckled and reached for her hand. “But you know, it all makes sense now.”
“What does?”
“Everything had to happen the way it did. Could you imagine if I’d gone on to play for the NFL? I would’ve never met you. I probably would’ve gotten myself into some kind of messed-up shit. I guarantee you I wouldn’t be this content. All those years I thought losing that career was the worst thing that ever happened to me. But my second act? This? I’d take it any day over that other life.”