“Okay. Just coffee.”
His expression transformed. “Thank you. It’s more than just coffee to me. Thank you for not shutting me out, even though I probably deserve it.”
After we finished our drinks, Deacon and I left the café separately. I made the excuse that I needed to stop at the store so I could walk back to the apartment alone.
That night, sleep evaded me as a million thoughts floated through my mind, including an internal debate about trusting Deacon again, and images of a beautiful baby with his eyes who never came to be.
CHAPTER 29
Deacon
HOW DEEP IS YOUR LOVE?
You’ve heard the saying that life is not a sprint, it’s a marathon? Well, earning Carys’s trust back was more like a slow wade through an ocean. But it was worth it, even if not getting to reach out and touch her was downright painful. A month-and-a-half after I returned to New York, my relationship with Carys was slowly improving.
One afternoon, as we sat in her living room drinking the coffees I’d brought over, I presented her with something I’d made back in Minnesota.
I took it out of the small bag. “I forgot to give this to you. It’s for Sunny. I made it while I was home.”
Carys smiled as she examined the pink hat. “You crocheted this?”
“Yup. My grandmother was trying to get me out of her house, where I stayed half the time. She wanted to invite dirty old men over without my being there, but that’s a story for another day.” I laughed. “Anyway, she commissioned me to help her make hats and scarves, just like the old days, figuring it would make me want to leave. I’m not sure it will fit. Might be too big.”
“Well, there’s only one way to find out.” Carys walked over to where Sunny was playing with her toys. She placed it on her head. “It’s perfect.”
It did seem to fit, but unfortunately, Sunny hated it. She took it off almost immediately and threw it on the ground. That’s about how I’d been doing with Sunny since I returned. She’d offer me some smiles, and things were a little better, but it wasn’t the same as before. She didn’t cling to me. She didn’t adore me like she used to. I was determined to get back there.
“Maybe the material wasn’t comfortable on her head,” I said. “It can be a little scratchy.”
Carys’s expression softened. “It’s the thought that counts. Thank you for making it.”
“There wasn’t a moment I was away that I wasn’t thinking about you,” I said.
“Were you with anyone?” she asked.
The way she’d unleashed that question made me think it had been weighing on her mind, just waiting to come out.
“No!” I rushed to reassure her. “No, I wasn’t. I haven’t touched anyone since you. I thought that was understood. I’m glad you asked, if you were doubting that.”
Carys’s face was red, and she let out a deep breath. It made my heart come alive, and gave me confidence that she hadn’t totally written us off.
She changed the subject. “How’s your dad?”
“He’s good. He hasn’t had any negative reaction from the radiation. I think he’s going to beat this.”
“I’m glad.” She smiled.
There was a knock at the door.
“Are you expecting someone?” I asked.
“It’s Charles. I told him he could come over to see Sunny today.”
Shit. I’d managed to avoid Sunny’s father until now, other than that night months ago when I’d kicked him out of here. But he was coming around regularly now, so I suppose it was time I got used to him.
Carys went to the door, and I stood up from the couch.
Charles looked equally surprised to see me.
“You haven’t formally met Deacon,” she said.
He held out his hand. “Deacon. Long time no see. Although I believe you told me your name was Dick the last time we met.”
We shook.
“Just doin’ my job,” I said.
“I appreciate that you were diligent in protecting my daughter that day.”
When she spotted him, Sunny ran to Charles and tugged on his leg.
He lifted her. “Hi, beautiful girl.”
That stung. But he’d been here when I hadn’t. And the months I was gone were enough to undo the bond I’d had with Sunny—allowing space for him to form one.
Charles sat on the floor and played with Sunny, while Carys and I watched. We finished our coffees in silence. It was a strange dynamic.
I took the time to reflect on my future with Carys. Maybe there was no way to erase the hurt I’d caused. Maybe I could only work to mask it. Either way, I hadn’t figured out how to do that yet, how to make her happy when she was still so guarded toward me.
After about forty-five minutes, Charles kissed Sunny’s head and looked over at me. “You mind taking a walk with me, Deacon?”
I turned to Carys who shrugged.
“Sure.”
Charles and I exited the apartment together.
“Two fuckboys…”
“Did you hear something?” Charles said. “Did someone say…fuckboys?”
Mrs. Winsbanger’s door moved.
I nodded for him to follow me down the hall. “That’s our crazy neighbor. She likes to spy on everyone and has the mouth of a truck driver.”
Charles started to laugh, and I followed suit. As nuts as Mrs. Winsbanger was, she’d broken the ice a little.
We said nothing else to each other until we made it outside the building.
Charles slid his hands into his pockets as we walked. “I don’t need to tell you the story of what happened with Carys and me,” he said. “I’m sure you know what I did, how I abandoned her when she needed me the most.”
I nodded, letting him continue.
“It’s been a challenge getting her to trust me enough to be around Sunny, but we’ve finally arrived at a good place. I didn’t deserve a second chance, but she gave it to me anyway.”
As much as I never liked this guy, his words gave me a shred of hope for my own situation.
“I’m not going to lie to you, Deacon. If Carys would have me back, I would love to be with her. She’s beautiful and kind, and something you can’t begin to understand, because you weren’t around in those days—she’s so very talented.”
“I wish I had known her then.”
“My point is…despite my feelings for her, there’s no future there. She doesn’t love me the way she loves you.”
My heart began to accelerate as we weaved through people on the sidewalk. “How do you know she loves me?”
“When you were away, she wouldn’t talk about you for a long time. But she finally told me what happened. It’s clear to me that her feelings still run deep. She’s just afraid of getting hurt again. Unfortunately, I started the trend. If you fuck up a second time, that would make three times she’s had her heart broken. That can’t happen.”
I raised my voice. “That’s not gonna happen.”
“Only you can prove that. If I thought I had a shot with her, I’d be giving you no advice right now. I envy the fuck out of you for even standing a chance. So don’t waste this opportunity.”