It was hard for me not to go ahead and call Sedona the minute I read an article about cochlear implants. But it was two in the morning and she’s still healing from her C-section.
“I can only imagine.” She waits for me to go on, thumbing through some of the books with her feet up on another chair.
“I read that some kids can have cochlear implants to help them with their hearing?”
She nods. So she knows what I’m talking about. Her lack of excitement says either we’re going to have a tough conversation about whether to try them or not, or she’s already been down this route.
“I talked with her ENT doctor when she was eight months old. She’s not a candidate.” A small frown mars her face.
“Really?” I try to push back my disappointment. I had such high hopes that she’d be able to hear even minimally one day.
She nods. “Sorry.”
I pretend to steal a cracker and Palmer snatches it back from me before I can pop it into my mouth. She giggles and I kiss her cheek.
“Why would you apologize?” I ask Sedona after I’m back to installing the light.
“I can see that you were excited. Like maybe she could overcome her deafness.”
The tone in her voice makes me stop what I’m doing. “True, I’m disappointed, but it doesn’t change anything.”
“She’s perfect.” But there’s a chip on Sedona’s shoulder that wasn’t there a moment ago.
Okay yeah, I think she’s misunderstood me. I hold up my hand. “She is. I never said she wasn’t.”
“Then why ask about a cochlear implant? Even if she were a candidate, do you really understand what it would mean for her? The teasing? The medical complications? How she might be viewed by the deaf community? Trust me, the deaf community is small enough in this area. I don’t want her to be ostracized from them. My support group is online because we’re almost all too far from one another to have in-person meetings and I have to travel to Anchorage to see her specialist.” She picks up the signs I bought for the lights and some other stuff. “And all this stuff? The new light, the books, the sign language mat for her room? Do you think I’m not doing what I should for her?” She stands slowly from the chair, gripping her stomach, and disappears into the kitchen.
“This has nothing to do with what you’re doing. She’s amazing, and I’m well aware that’s all because of you. All of this is just to help her. The research—”
She huffs. “Do you think I didn’t do my own research? I was the one sitting through the doctor appointments and—”
I break the distance, cornering her against the counter. She draws her face back so we’re not as close. “Breathe. This isn’t me making up for some lack of parenting on your part. This is me trying to be a parent. Finding stuff that I hope will help her. I don’t want her to change, but you bet your arse I want her to have every advantage life has to offer. I’m trying to be a real partner to you, not your competition.”
Her shoulders fall, and I take her hands in mine. “Sorry. I may have overreacted.”
“It’s just the Phoenix side of your personality coming out.”
She shakes her head, but a smile tips the corners of her mouth.
“Yer an amazing mother. I’m trying to help her, that’s all. And you. I mean, if you’ve never spent a dime of the money I sent you, how have you gotten along this entire time?”
Last I knew, she was freelancing for different online magazines, but when I was with her, it wasn’t paying all the bills. Then again, I took care of the mortgage on our condo and all the bills.
“Nothing you need to worry about. But there is something I have to talk to you about.” She nudges me back.
I reluctantly break away from her. “What’s up?”
We go back to the small kitchen table area and find Palmer asleep in her chair. Her head lazily slides to the side and pops back up, then back down again.
“She’s exhausted,” she says.
“Can I put her down?”
“Sure.”
I unstrap Palmer, and she transfers into my arms perfectly.
“Don’t forget to change her,” Sedona says.
I nod, wondering when I won’t get the reminders anymore, but given how long my daughter was without me, I haven’t been back for long. I need to give this time.
I change Palmer’s diaper, get her settled, and lay her down in her crib.
When I return to the living room, Sedona has the screwdriver in hand, finishing the job of installing the light.
“Excuse me,” I say and hold out my open palm for the screwdriver.
Sedona laughs and hands it over. “I was just trying to help you.”
“This is that manly thing where I like to prove myself, remember?”
She holds up both of her hands. “Sure thing. Have at it. I wanted to ask you something.” She sits on the chair nearest me.
“What’s up?”
“I have my appointment at the doctor’s tomorrow for my two-week follow-up. I’ll be clear to drive afterward, but is there any way you can drive me there?”
“Sure. Definitely.” My answer is quick and decisive.
“Around nine? I’m going to ask Kingston to watch Palmer.”
“Can she not go?” I ask.
“It’s easier without her truthfully.”
I sit on the chair next to her. “What if we took her and then went somewhere after? Like the park, the zoo, somewhere just the three of us?”
Our gazes lock, and I can tell she’s working through it in her head. I brace myself for the no.
She shrugs. “Sure.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. I think Palmer will really like that.”
“I’ll be here at eight-thirty?”
“Perfect.”
For the rest of Palmer’s naptime, I continue doing some odd jobs while Sedona cleans the kitchen. Other than a few sly glances where I caught her looking at me because I was checking her out, it’s a platonic afternoon. I have to think if she weren’t fresh off a C-section and we were in a different place, we’d have spent the downtime in bed together.
That night, after I leave Sedona’s, I find a meeting in Sunrise Bay. I sit down in the circle of chairs in the church basement, and when it’s my turn, I stand and announce my new truth that still rattles me with the fear that I could very well end up there again.
“Hi, I’m Jamison, and I’m an alcoholic.”
“Hi, Jamison,” the small group says in unison.
I sit back down and drink my water.
Merrick was right. The most depressing part of my day is when I leave Sedona and Palmer to spend a lonely night in my room at Glacier Point. I could easily slip out of control if I’m not careful. I’m not sure how I’d handle it if things don’t work out between us, and I don’t want to end up looking at the bottom of an empty bottle of booze again.
Nineteen
Sedona
After strapping Palmer into her car seat, we climb into Jamison’s minivan rental.
“I feel like I should take a picture to preserve this fine moment.” I hold up my phone.