Palmer kicks the foot of the stroller when she spots the polar bears.
“Those are her favorite,” I say to Jamison, so he heads over there.
After unstrapping her, he holds her as she giggles and claps when one of the bears hops off a rock and into the water. I sit down on a bench, a little sore, watching their backs. My heart aches from having him so near and being unable to touch him, unable to let him in.
Jamison lowers her and signs to her all about the polar bears, reading facts off the information plaque. She laughs, when he puffs up his cheeks with air after he’s told her how much the polar bears weigh, and she slaps his cheeks. Then he pretends to loom over her with both arms and she ducks under, running over to me.
I hold her to my legs, but she climbs them, and Jamison continues acting like a bear while breaking the distance to us. Palmer curls up in my chest as though she’s really frightened, and Jamison bends over, nestling his face against her neck as if he’s going to bite her. His scent reaches me and my entire body zings with awareness. He’s so close.
She squirms, and I’m so lost in his nearness that I don’t notice when she crawls down while his arms remain on either side of my head. We’re face to face, inches apart. Years ago, he would’ve kissed me, and I would have thought nothing of it except wanting him to do it again.
Today, tension fills that small gap between us like a grenade with the pin half pulled. I want to fist his T-shirt and drag him to me, smash my lips to his, and never come up for air. He bends forward, reading my body language like the pro he is when it comes to me. I put my hand over his lips.
“Not yet,” I say in a quiet voice.
He nods and stands straight, then he picks up Palmer and makes her fly as though I didn’t just crush his hope like his eyes suggested. I don’t know how much longer I can hold out.
We walk through the zoo, Palmer in Jamison’s arms the majority of the time. He buys us pretzels, slushies, and all the junk food we could want. At the gift shop, Palmer walks out with a giant polar bear that drags on the ground. We put him in the stroller, and Jamison holds a sleepy Palmer to his chest.
“Thank you,” I say when we get settled in the van. “It was a nice day.”
“I had so much fun.” The way he looks at me, with so much hope and admiration, makes me suck in a breath.
We drive to my apartment and I allow him to help me bathe Palmer and put her to bed. After we shut the door of her bedroom, I feel close to collapsing, but I stand by the kitchen table to say goodbye.
“Can I ask a question?” His tone is serious.
I stiffen. “Sure.”
“I want to tell my mum about Palmer. I feel horrible for not doing it yet and spending the day with her made me realize how much I’ve stolen from my mum already.”
“I never wanted you to keep it a secret.”
He nods. “I know, but you know mum. She’s going to contact you, she’s going to want to visit, and we’re just getting on the same wavelength. I don’t want to set us back.”
“It’s fine, Jamison. Things are changing, but this is good. The more people who love her, the happier she’ll be. Go ahead and tell your mom.”
He wraps his arms around me, and I’m quickly trying to find my axis again. His scent, his strong arms, his breath in my ear—it takes me on a dizzy ride where I lose sight of my goal—protecting my heart.
“Thank you,” he says in my ear, almost breathless.
His palms run up and down my back. I close my eyes at the feeling I’ve missed most since leaving him. He steps back and runs a hand through his hair.
“Sorry,” he mumbles, glancing at me through his dark eyelashes.
Oh, who am I kidding? In this moment, there’s no part of me that wants to resist. I step forward and throw my arms around his neck, smashing my lips to his. He doesn’t miss a beat, wrapping his arms around the small of my back, locking me in place. His tongue slides into my mouth and he groans, spurring my arousal.
It’s been so long, and this feels so good. Damn, I want to climb him, straddle him, feel how hard he is. The lack of sex and orgasms over the last two years made me needy.
The doorbell rings and the light he installed flickers into strobe mode, and I strip my lips off of his. He steps forward, his hand on my cheek. I point at the light, and he sighs.
“Forget it,” he says, hooking his finger in the waistband of my yoga pants to tug me toward him.
“Open the door, Sedona!” Phoenix is on the other side.
My head falls to his hard chest.
“I know you’re in there. The man van is outside.”
I look at him as he gets that defeated look on his face. “I should go anyway.”
I don’t stop him because I think the kiss probably came too soon. It was like adding wood to a raging fire, and one day, no one will be able to douse the flames.
Twenty
Jamison
It’s been three weeks since I kissed Sedona. We spend the majority of our time together. I’ll watch Palmer sometimes while she’s trying to write a piece. Today I convinced her to join me on a picnic by the lake. I kick the soccer ball to Palmer, and she tries to kick it back but misses and ends up on her butt.
I run over, but she stands back up all on her own. Way to go, little lass.
“She’s only nineteen months,” Sedona says from the blanket where the food is spread. She pops a grape into her mouth.
“If I start her now, she’ll be the youngest to ever play in the World Cup.”
Sedona shakes her head. “I meant to ask you about your plans. It’s been over a month now.”
“I’m not sure exactly what yer asking.” I pass the ball back to Palmer, but she gets distracted and chases a butterfly, so I head to the blanket.
“You mentioned the coaching thing once but haven’t said anything else about it.”
I nod. “Yeah, I don’t see that happening. I doubt yer going anywhere, and Palmer is so happy here.” Since I arrived, I haven’t truly thought about a job. I’ve been preoccupied with getting Sedona back and having the three of us be a family. I’m fortunate that I haven’t blown through all my money from when I was playing professionally, but it won’t last forever. I pick at a blade of grass. “I have to figure something out though. My bank account is taking a hit from Glacier Point.”
Her silence makes me wary.
“Are you trying to get rid of me?”
“No,” she rushes out and my heart eases a little. “I just wondered if you were leaving.”
I glance at her, but her eyes remain on Palmer. “I told you I’m not going anywhere without you.”
She nods but doesn’t look at me.
“Sedona,” I say.
She glances at me for the briefest second but doesn’t let her vision stray from Palmer for long. “What?”
“I don’t want to rush you, but when do you think you’ll forgive me and give me a second chance?”
“We’ll talk about this later. Right now, our daughter is about to go for a swim.” She stands, but my gaze flashes to Palmer, who’s at the water’s edge.
Adrenaline shoots through my veins, my heart pounding in my ears as I sprint as fast as I can and grab the back of her shirt right before she could fall into the water. She cries, and when Sedona gets closer, Palmer holds her arms out for her. I wrap my arm around Sedona’s waist and kiss Palmer’s head.