“Okay. I promise I’ll think about it.”
“Great. Now, do you think you can sleep?”
“I hope so.” I took Hayden’s iPhone from the nightstand and looked at the time. It was 3 am.
“Here.” He pulled us down and spooned me, wrapping his arm around my waist. “I want to hold you like this.” I closed my eyes and let out a pleased sigh. It felt incredibly good being next to him like this. “I want you to forget everything bad.”
“This feels nice.” I cupped his hand on my waist and wiggled closer to him. I felt safe and loved in his arms. “I love when you hold me like this.”
“I love when I hold you like this too, but stop squirming.”
“Oh.” I stilled. Blush colored my cheeks when I felt something hard poke my backside. Oh. “S-Sorry.”
He chuckled. “I mean, keep doing it if you want this to turn into something else—”
“I’ll stop.” My whole body was hot as the tempting images of us doing various things unfurled behind my closed lids.
His chuckle turned into laughter, cementing my embarrassment. “Sleep tight, beautiful.”
Beautiful. “Thank you. You too.”
“And if you dream about me again, it better be a wet dream.”
“You wish.”
His hoarse chuckle was the last thing I heard before I drifted off.
Chapter 14
I FLUTTERED MY EYES open and squinted against the glare of the sun permeating through Hayden’s window. I didn’t dream anything for a change, which was a relief. I felt relaxed and energized, and even more so with the sunrays bathing the room. They were a reinvigorating sight I missed during these last few weeks of gloomy weather. I stretched with a smile and turned to look at Hayden...
Only, Hayden wasn’t here. My smile fell, and I sat up to find a note on his pillow.
“Good morning, baby.
I’m in the gym downstairs. I was going crazy doing nothing, so I had to work out but don’t worry. I’ll follow doc’s advice to take it slow.
I love you.”
My stomach did a little flip, and my smile returned to my face in full force. “I love you too,” I whispered and reread his note a couple more times, soaking up every single word.
Deciding to save it, I folded it in half and reached for my backpack leaning against his computer chair. I put it into one of the pockets and took Hayden’s diary. I needed another “quick Hayden fix.”
I flipped through several pages, until I reached an entry I hadn’t read.
“Date: Does it matter? Why the fuck it matters when all days are the same?
My therapist asked me how I would describe myself today.
The first thing that comes to my mind is damaged.
And then selfish.
And then crazy.
And then insecure.
And then I don’t know the fuck what because it’s all fucked up and I’m sick and tired of this shit.”
Just like the most of his entries, this was tainted with darkness, and the negative side of his mind showed more often than not. He was full of joyless thoughts that enforced the wall he kept around himself for so long, which made him unable him to see the sunny side of the world. It made him unable to find the path that would lead him away from his self-destructive thoughts. I needed to show him there were so many things that could put a smile on his face. There were so many reasons to be happy and keep moving forward.
A smile found its way to my face. I felt so different compared to the old me. Now, I was able to find that small ray of sunshine in the midst of a downpour of negativity and believe it would produce the most beautiful rainbow of happiness, hope, and love.
I continued to the next entry.
“I don’t want to be abandoned. I want to be loved and understood. I want to be significant. I want to be someone’s special person, but I’m afraid I’ll stay alone forever.
I’m tired of the same old fears.
Fear of rejection.
Fear of not being good enough.
Fear of driving everyone away.
Fear of betrayal.
Fear of waking up to another shitty day.
Fear of not finding the reason to get up the next day.
Fear of that explosive anger that makes me do some fucked up shit.
I understand. I really do. No one can pull me out of it. No one can “save” me. I have to do it on my own. I have to regulate my emotions, take and give equally, fight against myself, and so much more, and I have to do all of that on my own.
But it’s so difficult. Everything is so chaotic. It’s like that line in a line chart that goes up and down, but mine spikes and dips so drastically that it’s impossible for me to deal with it every single day. I’m walking on ice, and I’m making too many missteps. I keep falling.
I want to stop falling.
Sometimes I feel like I want to scream my lungs out. Everything becomes too much and I’m swarmed with so many rushing thoughts that I can’t stand them.
I just want one day where all I would feel is peace. No doubts, no fears, no pain, no emptiness...
Just peace.
It has to get better than this shit but until then...”
“Until then, I’ll be with you every step of that rocky way,” I said with a small smile.
I put his diary back into my backpack and took out my phone to check the time. I had a message from Mel. My eyes bulged out when I saw it was way past nine, and I internally slapped myself for oversleeping.
I checked Mel’s text as I rushed to get my clothes.
“Fine. I’ll go to that stupid party. Jess told me she and Kevin are going too.”
I grinned excitedly. One of Hayden’s friends was throwing a New Year’s Eve party at his house, and I’d invited Jess, Mel, and Kevin—a new addition to our small circle—to come with us.
I swapped Hayden’s shirt for my clothes and cast a wistful look at it. I already missed it on me.
“That’s great! We’re going to have a lot of fun.”
I texted her back and rushed to Hayden’s bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth.
It was a long shot, I had to admit, since Mel didn’t like Hayden and Steven’s friends, and Jess and Kevin didn’t get along with Blake and Masen, but I wanted to use this opportunity to bury the hatchet between us and try to get along.
I was worried Hayden would get jealous or angry when I told him about Kevin and the “welcome party,” so I made sure he knew Kevin was just a friend who apparently liked Jess. Thankfully, he agreed to meet him at the party and try to be friendly.
Melissa’s answer arrived just as I came out of the bathroom.
“If you think the World War III is great and fun, then yeah, we’ll have the time of our lives! I’ll beat those assholes into a bloody mush if they even breathe in our direction.”
I tsked and shook my head.
“Violent so early? I think it’s going to be fun. Besides, aren’t you the one for parties? It’s going to be fine.”
“I’m sad you can’t see me rolling my eyes and puking here.”
I left my phone in my backpack and headed downstairs to Hayden’s gym, passing by Hayden’s dad’s atelier on my way. That place embodied loss and tragedy, always invoking heavy feelings. His paintings were covered with dust sheets, hiding the windows to his inner place of anguish from the rest of the world. I’d cleaned it twice since I started helping Carmen with house cleaning, and each time I thought how hard it must have been for a five-year old Hayden to find his dad right there after he took his own life.