“Sarah?” he breathed out.
“I just want to hold you like this. Please, let me hold you.” He didn’t reply, but he also didn’t try to separate me from him, so I read that as a good sign and got as close to him as possible.
A cold breeze enveloped us in a long silence, apart from the babble of the river. I was shaking, so I pressed myself against him, paying attention to his ribs. The branches of the naked trees swayed graciously in the wind, capturing my gaze as I thought about Mrs. Black.
I felt bad for her because she obviously wanted to make things work with Hayden. I understood why Hayden wasn’t willing to forgive her, but did that mean he would never let her make amends for everything she hadn’t done?
She hadn’t been a good mother to him, but if she was ready to change and give him the attention he deserved, maybe it would be the right thing to give her a chance.
“How can she be so calm about it?” Hayden suddenly asked and cupped my freezing hands on his stomach with his. He brought my right hand to his mouth and huffed warm air over it. “How can she look me in the eyes and speak like that when she sees how much it hurts me?”
“She just wants to solve things as calmly as possible, I guess. She wants to get through to you but doesn’t know how.”
“You can’t solve seventeen years of neglect with a few calm words.”
The truth in his words cut to the quick, all the more because I experienced the same feelings of inadequacy and loneliness with my mother.
“Do you believe she’s changed?”
“No.” He took my other hand and blew warm air on it too. “Did you even see how tired she looked? She was already tired of talking with me. How can I be sure that tomorrow I won’t receive the same old treatment?”
“You’ve got a point. But what if there is a chance that she’s really changing? Just like you or me.”
He stared into the distance as he mulled over my words, never letting go of my hands. “It doesn’t make any difference. I can’t forgive her. It’s too late for that.”
A gush of icy wind sent a strong shiver down my back, and I snuggled closer to him. My cheeks and nose burned. “Then what do you plan to do? Do you want to avoid her for the rest of your life?”
“That’s the plan, yeah.”
I moved in front of him to face him. I was saddened by bitterness I found in his eyes. “Will that make you happy?”
“I know what won’t make me happy, and that’s being a fool who trusts her after everything.”
I glanced away. Solitude wasn’t a solution to his problems, but I didn’t know what to say. I thought about his future and if he would go to college, which only brought to mind a more pressing matter.
I met his gaze with trepidation in my chest. “Have you thought about going to college?”
He gave me a wary look. He inclined his head to the side, studying me intently. “Why do you ask?”
I shifted on my feet and focused on my entwined hands. I’d been psyching myself up for days to tell him about Yale, but now that the moment had come, it didn’t feel any easier. “I... I wanted to tell you... I applied to Yale and I... I got accepted.”
I tore my gaze from my hands to look at him, expecting him to become angry, shout, walk away, anything, except what he actually did.
“You did?! FUCK YES!” He fist bumped the air and pulled me into the tightest embrace possible. “I knew it! That’s my girl! I’m so proud of you, Sarah. I’m so proud.” He left tiny kisses all over my cheeks, nose, lips, and jaw, and I just stood with my mouth agape.
Was... Was this really happening? My heartbeat sped up as I tried to make sense of his reaction. He was proud of me? He wasn’t angry?
I couldn’t push any words out of my mouth, so I cleared my throat twice. “You... You aren’t angry?” My gravelly voice was barely audible through the strong current of emotions.
He leaned away to look at me and wrapped his hands around my upper arms. “Why would I be angry?”
Moisture pooled in my eyes. “Because it feels like I’m leaving you?” I clung onto his jacket. “I’m not leaving you, Hayden. I want us to work this out. I want us to find a solution.”
He scrunched his brows together. “I know, Sarah. Look, I always knew this was going to happen.”
I straightened. “What do you mean? Me going away to college?”
“You going away to Yale. I knew you wanted to go there. You’re a great artist, with a good GPA and extracurriculars to match, so I was sure you were going to get accepted.”
My lips parted in silent surprise. My mind reeled with many questions now that I knew he’d been aware of Yale. I was touched that he believed in me, although I couldn’t miss the irony—most of my determination to succeed had stemmed from my fervent desire to escape him.
“You really think that?”
His face was dead serious. “No. This is a hidden camera show and you’ve just been pranked.”
Hayden and his other trademark—sarcasm. “How did you know I wanted to go to Yale?”
“I heard you talking about it with Kayden once. You mentioned to him that your dream had always been to go to Yale, so I knew that you would definitely apply for it.”
He heard me telling that to Kayden? He’d always known? My eyes roamed over the dormant trees while I thought about what he’d just said. It never occurred to me that he’d known all along about my dream to go to Yale. Had he ever planned to go there too?
“But how about you? Have you applied to Yale too?”
He shook his head. “No. I never wanted to go there, and even if I wanted to, I don’t have enough extracurriculars or a particularly good GPA and SAT scores. So there goes that.”
My heart dropped at his words. It was followed by an ache in my chest when I considered all the unwanted possibilities. We would be separated, and I didn’t want that. His expression told me he felt the same.
“I’m so sorry. I thought you were going to get angry and... I’m sorry for expecting that. I’m so conflicted because going to Yale has always been my dream, but I don’t want to lose you.”
“I know, baby. And you won’t lose me. I don’t want you to change your plans or ruin your future because of me. I want you happy. I want you to fulfill your dreams.”
Oh my God. He was selfless and considerate and... He was perfect.
“But how? How can we work this out? I want to go to Yale, but I don’t want us to separate.” I sniffed. “Then again, getting accepted doesn’t mean anything if I don’t get financial aid. So maybe I won’t go to Yale after all.”
I felt conflicted about this, and I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to go to Yale, but I wanted Hayden too. I wanted to follow my dreams and make something out of myself, but did that mean losing Hayden? This was beyond complicated.
“You’ll get that financial aid, and even if you don’t, I’ll help you with it.”
“No. I don’t want that—”
“Sarah, we aren’t discussing this.” He palmed my cheek. “I’ve made your life hell for years, which I can never give back to you. I did so many things to hurt you, and I destroyed you on so many levels. So I want to spend the rest of my life making it up to you.”