“Oh, Madison,” Savannah said softly. “Madison, I’m so sorry.”
My head shook quickly. “Raf pretended to be drunk. Saying he didn’t know her and didn’t know what he was doing. But the girl started flipping out, calling him on his bullshit because they’d been seeing each other. I left. He followed. I screamed at him in the middle of a hotel hallway.”
I let my head fall into my free hand and rubbed at my aching forehead as that night played in my mind with vivid clarity.
“He didn’t try to follow me once I got on the elevator. He didn’t even try to contact me until he came home from their away game. By then, she had contacted me on social media. Sending me pictures of them and screenshots of their messages, dating back a couple years.”
“Oh my God, what—years?” Savannah asked, shocked.
My head bobbed absentmindedly. “I checked her social media, and there were all these pictures of the two of them. Except, he’s never fully in the picture. You wouldn’t know it was him unless you really knew him. She posted pictures of the Lexus SUV he got her—the exact same one I have. Of all the clothes and shoes he’d bought her. The ring.”
“No.”
“Yeah.”
“What an absolute asshole,” Savannah quietly seethed. “I can’t even process the level of dickheadedness this is.”
A subdued laugh sounded in my chest.
“I can’t believe you’re not screaming over this. Or breaking down—something.” Savannah blinked quickly, head shaking. “I’d be an inconsolable mess, curled up on the floor, planning out a woman-scorned revenge.”
My next laugh was louder and ended on a drawn-out sigh as my stomach twisted uncomfortably.
Yeah . . .
“I felt blindsided,” I began after a while. “I lost it in the hotel . . . clearly.” My shoulders lifted weakly. “But, I don’t know, I haven’t cried yet.”
A crease formed between Savannah’s brows before smoothing, as though she understood. The look on her face clearly saying she thought I was internalizing it.
Except I wasn’t.
“When I finished going through all her pictures on social media, I dumped all of our identical gifts onto the floor of our bathroom. Except for my car, obviously. But I just . . . I’m hurt,” I said quickly and looked to Savannah to make sure she understood that. “I feel betrayed, and I’m so damn angry with him. But I feel like I should be more devastated than I am.”
I didn’t tell her that a part of me felt relieved. That I was breathing easier because I no longer had to pretend I was happy. That I hadn’t even known I was pretending until everything came crashing down around me.
I just waited as she studied me.
“Were you even in love with him, Madi?” she asked.
My chest pitched with a silent laugh even though there was nothing funny about the situation or her question. It was in response to her tone—soft and gentle as if she were worried about offending me for the first time in our lives. But, I guess it was expected after the way I’d left and shut her and everyone else out for so long.
But the stark contrast in tone from the rest of our conversation was a harsh reminder that things were different. That I’d ruined so much.
“I did love him—I do. Of course, I do.” My head bounced in a nod before shaking quickly. “But when Raf came home, he didn’t even apologize. He just looked at me and said, ‘You can’t be mad at me—’”
“The hell you can’t,” Savannah breathed.
The corners of my mouth turned down, and my heart beat wildly as shame threatened to consume me. “‘You can’t be mad at me, Madi,’” I said, continuing with Raf’s words. “‘You’re in love with someone else.’ I lost it, started yelling at him. Saying he was full of shit and trying to pin something on me because he’d been unfaithful. Then he said, ‘If you weren’t, you wouldn’t have run back to Texas when I asked you to marry me, only to avoid it ever since. You wouldn’t have spent our wedding night crying in the bathroom.’”
Savannah gasped.
I deflated.
“Yeah,” I whispered, embarrassed.
“Did he ask who was in Texas?”
“No,” I said, voice still soft. “He just repeated that I couldn’t be mad. I told him exactly how wrong he was. Told him how blindsided I’d been and how betrayed I felt. Then I packed bags for Avalee and me.”
“Was he wrong?” Savannah asked after minutes had passed in tension-soaked silence.
“No,” I admitted shamefully. “But that doesn’t mean I didn’t love Rafael.”
“You just didn’t love him the same way,” she whispered in understanding.
“Still, I was there for him. I was his wife and his—”
“Oh, no, I know,” she said quickly. “You didn’t deserve this. That isn’t at all what I was saying.”
But my confession made me sound like the worst kind of person. Mixed with my lesser reaction to everything, it made me seem cold and uncaring when that couldn’t have been further from the truth.
I took another sip of my coffee as my mind raced, my head shaking as I asked, “What was he planning on doing? He gave her a ring months ago, Savannah. He’s married. He was—we are. Were . . . I don’t know.” My words came softer and softer as I admitted, “As I was getting Avalee in the car so we could go, he said he was gonna file for divorce. Like he didn’t even care. Just kinda shrugged and tossed it out there.”
“I’m sorry,” she said, genuine pain weaving through her words. “You deserve more than that. More than his indifference. More than his unfaithfulness. More than a marriage where there wasn’t unconditional love on both sides.”
“Yeah,” I mumbled as Raf’s words echoed in my mind for the umpteenth time.
“You can’t be mad at me, Madi. You’re in love with someone else.”
The truth of them resonated deep within my chest and sent my mind barreling down a path I’d taken so many times since he’d come stumbling into that hotel room.
Wondering why I’d ever married someone I couldn’t love with my entire soul. Thinking if I’d been able to love Rafael the way I knew my heart was capable of, this wouldn’t have happened. Knowing for all I had done . . . I deserved every bit of his betrayal.
“Avalee . . . her name is beautiful, Madi. I love it,” Savannah began, hesitantly guiding us away from the subject of my failed marriage. “I was just wondering if it’s one word or two?”
My breath caught at the simple question. My stare slowly shifted to meet hers, all unwavering interest.
“One,” I answered, voice catching on the small word.
“And how do you spell it?”
I knew where this was going. I’d seen her expression when I first said my daughter’s name—the same shock that crossed Hunter’s face when Avalee’s name slipped past my lips.
“Savannah, you never used to beat around the bush this way, why don’t you just ask what you really wanna know?”
“When we first got into the kitchen, Avalee told me only her daddy calls her Ava, so I’m assuming her name wasn’t Raf’s idea.” Savannah’s head slanted and her gaze fell to her mug. “Just wondering if you tacked ‘lee’ on there for a particular reason.” Her golden stare flashed back to mine. “A particular Hunter reason.”