Still, he wasn’t him. He wasn’t Hunter Dixon. No one ever would be.
And two years without him had been excruciating in a way I never could’ve anticipated. I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to make it another hour. Another day. The rest of my life . . . but I knew I would.
I had to.
Right?
“I’m not turning Rafael away,” I said thickly. “I’m going out with him tonight.”
“Yeah, but do you actually want to go?” Jessica countered.
“Of course.” Not, I added silently.
The girls both studied me before giving each other a meaningful look. After a loud sigh from Jessica, Laura said, “All we’re saying is, you always mention this him when it comes to dating other guys. But you’ve never actually said his name. You don’t talk to him. You don’t talk about him otherwise, even to us, and we’re your best friends.”
“Right,” Jessica picked up smoothly. “And as your best friends, we think it’s time you face the harsh truth that maybe this him isn’t actually someone you should be turning away perfectly amazing opportunities for. Especially considering he isn’t in your life.”
“Unless this is some fictional-novel-superhot-antihero him, then we have a whole new discussion on our hands. And I won’t be the one to talk you out of being obsessed with him,” Laura said and gestured to her book on the floor. “Because, well, hello.”
“They aren’t real,” Jessica said slowly, loudly, reverting back to their favorite argument.
“In my head, they are!”
“They are,” I mouthed to Laura and winked, then continued louder. “Well, my guy is a physical human being, and I know how weird it may seem to y’all, but he’s everything I’ll ever want. We’ve been planning our future since we were in elementary.”
Had, I mentally corrected. We had been planning our future.
Laura sagged in the chair, a dopey-looking smile taking over her entire face.
Jessica looked at me doubtfully. After a while, she asked, “Then where is he?”
“Back in Texas,” I said vaguely.
Going to school. Working in his family’s orchard. Probably moving on with his life.
Jessica glanced toward Laura to see if she was going to speak her piece before turning on me and asking, “And?”
“He’s in Texas,” I repeated as I stood from the floor, taking my laptop with me.
“That’s it, he’s fake,” Jessica mumbled.
“You don’t know that,” Laura hissed.
“Uh, I do,” Jessica shot back confidently, then held up her index finger as if to indicate one. “If there was a him, we definitely would’ve seen him or heard him call by now.”
I gave them what I hoped was a convincing smile as I walked away, calling out, “Gotta get ready for my that,” as I did.
“My that,” they echoed in unison before Laura dissolved into giggles.
“Okay, and that’s another one,” Jessica called after me before resuming her normal tone, her voice fading the farther I got. “If Madi was planning a future with some guy, she wouldn’t be going on a date.”
By the time I made it to my room, my smile had already slipped.
Tears had blurred my vision.
That empty space where my heart should’ve been ached and cried out for Hunter as I missed him with a fierceness that shook me. As I wondered what he was doing at that exact moment, and hated myself for not being able to know. As my mind drifted back two years to the day that had changed everything.
“Hey,” Hunter called out as he jogged down the porch steps of his parents’ house. Expression bright. Mouth quirked into one of my favorite smirks because he reserved it solely for me.
I cast my stare to the gravel beneath my shoes so I wouldn’t get lost in it and his dimples and those blue eyes that could see right through me.
After getting home from our graduation party here at the Dixon house, I’d spent the entirety of last night in excruciating agony.
Crying deeper than I’d known was possible between packing bags and trying to come up with some sort of convincing lie. Rehearsing it over and over again until I believed it—somewhat. Telling my parents and making myself physically sick from the pain and sorrow that I felt down to my soul.
When I’d begun preparing what I would say to Hunter today, how I would talk to him, I’d nearly backed out of the entire thing. Just the thought of hurting him, of lying to him, had me trembling and falling to the floor.
But then I’d remembered why I was doing this.
Why it was necessary.
So, there I was. Focusing on each step. Each breath. Each wrenching beat of my ruined heart. And trying like hell to pretend that I didn’t care about the boy in front of me. That I didn’t love him with every fiber of my being.
“You ready to head to lunch?” he asked as he reached me, pulling me into a hug that I immediately tried to wiggle free from.
He stiffened as he let me go.
My eyes burned.
Shards of glass filled my throat.
Oh God, I can’t do this.
“Mads, what’s wrong?” he asked, all concern and worry as he tried to bend down to search my stare.
“I need to leave,” I managed to choke out.
“O-okay.” He tried reaching for my hand, but I pulled that away too, so only the tips of our fingers brushed. Unease and fear bled from him as he cleared his throat. “Do you feel okay? Do you want me to drive you—”
“No, leave,” I said, tone harsher than I’d intended. But it was all I could manage when I was trying not to break down. I met his terrified gaze and gestured to my car. “As in gone. Away from Amber.”
His chest pitched with his ragged exhale.
His eyes slowly shifted to my car before dragging back to me. Stare blank and face losing color. “I don’t—I don’t . . .” He cleared his throat again before nodding vigorously. “Okay, where do you wanna go? We’ll go.”
“That isn’t what I’m talking about.”
From the way he was looking at me, he’d known that. But the look in his eyes and his pleading expression all screamed for me not to do this.
And it was breaking my heart.
“I don’t—why, Madison?” he ground out. Hands reaching up as if to grab the bill of his hat. When they met air, he dragged his fingers through his hair again and again. When he continued, his voice was desperate. “Is it because I wanted to wait a year? Because if that’s the case, then we’ll go get married now.”
“Hunter, no—”
“Whatever you want, name it. I’ll fucking do it.”
“I want you to understand that I’m leaving,” I cried out as the tears I’d tried so fiercely to hold back broke free. “I can’t breathe here. It’s the same mundane thing day in and day out. I want—” A sob crawled up my throat as I indicated something large with my hands. “I want big cities and noise that doesn’t end. I want somewhere that is constantly moving, not a place that is stuck. I want fashion and culture, and I can’t get that here.”
Instead of having the reaction I’d expected to what I’d tossed out there—desires that were so opposite of who I was or wanted to be—he just stared at the ground. Denial and pain and horror exploding from him as tears rolled down his face.