‘Do you think I should get this over with and walk through the casino now?’
His head turned to face me. He lifted his other hand up and with his fingers now touching the side of my face to direct my eyes to his, he answered. ‘I think that there’s no time like the present to get things aired and then we can hopefully move on.’
‘Move on?’ I questioned.
I watched him blink slowly as if he was trying to clear something from his mind, but he couldn’t voice what it was. So, helping him out once again, as I had on the day of our wedding when he’d struggled, I spoke.
‘Yes, let’s do it now and then as you say we can move on,’ I agreed.
Almost on automatic pilot he listened to me, then reached over to the side of him and pressed one of the controls on the aluminium panel next to his seat. The privacy glass came down and the driver and Franco, who was also sitting up front, were revealed to us.
‘Pull up at the front of the casino,’ he directed.
I watched as Franco began to talk into the small microphone he always wore and then they both disappeared from view as the glass raised again.
Nico looked out of the window and then straight back at me.
‘We’ll be there in under a minute… are you sure about this?’ he questioned.
I nodded back at him resolutely, ‘Yes, it needs to be done.’
He pursed his lips and after taking in the expression on my face, he nodded back.
It suddenly felt like the car’s air conditioning temperature was turned down way too low. As awareness and panic began to charge through me, my skin was suddenly covered in goose bumps. Involuntarily, I shivered and felt Nico strengthen his grip on my hand in reaction.
‘If we can do this, Bee, together I believe we can conquer anything.’
‘I’ll never forget how you’ve taken every step with me, thank you,’ I whispered over to him.
His other hand cupped my face and his lips came down gently onto mine. Every single stimuli in the whole of my body ignited at the kiss he offered me, but I recognised that the kiss we were sharing was about so much more than our sexual chemistry. In that brief possession of his flesh on mine, he was sharing everything he was with me and I returned it with equal fervour.
The car slowed and eventually came to a standstill. The door was opened by security, and Nico helped me to climb out of the car. Then without so much as a glance in my direction, he began to lead me into the bright lights of the casino. Swallowing down my fears and apprehension, I walked closer to him and held onto his forearm with my other hand as I leant further into him for reassurance and guidance.
Nico’s main casino covered the whole of the ground floor of one of his family’s hotels and I knew it would take us a while to walk from one side to the other. Initially, I looked down to the floor, unable to tear my eyes away from the wooden walkway to look at the various tables and machines we were passing, but feeling the strength surging through his body and into mine, I slowly began to lift up my head.
The place was bright, loud and filled as ever with people from all walks of life. I watched a croupier deal blackjack, and on another table, I saw the cubes of resin being thrown quickly to the other end. The sound of them hitting the side and falling to the baize ricocheted around my head. Handles on the slot machines were being pulled everywhere around me. For anyone not facing the demons I was, I’m sure they would be able to block out most of the sounds, but as someone battling the addiction of gambling, I heard every single one of them.
I could feel myself beginning to tremble the further we walked, and it seemed Nico could too. He changed his hold on me, releasing my hand he wrapped his arm around me and pulled me in tightly to his side. I inhaled his fresh ocean smelling cologne and allowed my mind to wander back to Crete, to the sound of the waves and the click of the shutters on my cameras. Suddenly, I comprehended that we were still making our way through his casino, but I could no longer hear the sounds of the gambling around me.
After about ten minutes, we reached the centre and at the juncture where several paths crossed Nico stopped, turned around to face me and pulled me tightly into his arms. He stared down at me with eyes so full of mixed emotions, for a second my heart stopped beating as I waited for him to find the words he wanted to say.
‘Angel,’ he released on a deep, breathy exhale. ‘Have I told you how proud I am to be your husband?’
I could feel dozens of people staring at us and understood what a sight we must have looked. Nico in his suit, me looking like I’d just stepped away from a swimming pool and both of us surrounded by several good-looking men in suits.
I shook my head at him in answer.
‘Well, I am,’ he replied.
‘Thank you.’ I peered up at him through my fringe, feeling just a little bit shy at his show of affection in public, but loving it at the same time.
‘Can you accept that this…’ he let go of me with one hand and waved it around us both as he gesticulated the casino we were stood in, ‘this will always be part of me?’ he finished.
‘We’re doing this together aren’t we, Nico?’ He nodded back at me. ‘So, yes, I can,’ I replied.
‘Buona.’ His Italian accent had crept back in with his choice of words. ‘Then you accept me for what I am?’
‘I do. I mean, have you taken a good look at yourself recently?... It’s hardly a hardship,’ I joked with him, trying to lift the fraught moment.
The look on his face was so serious, I didn’t think I’d ever seen his jaw set so square and ridged. When he made no reply, I tried again.
‘Nico, I accept you, warts and all, like you’ve accepted me.’ I tried again to convince him.
His hold on me strengthened and for a minute his eyes left mine as he tipped his head back and stared at the ornate ceiling above us. I could feel he was bracing himself, but for what I had no idea.
‘Nico, you’re beginning to scare me.’
His head angled forward and his eyes found mine. ‘Unfortunately, my angel, I need to…’
‘You need to… you need to what?’ I was shaking my head at him.
‘When my mamma died, Cade and I promised each other…’ He inhaled deeply in order to carry on. Staring up and into his eyes I saw the pain beginning to fill them and prepared myself. I had no idea what was coming next, but knew deep inside that I would accept anything, as long as he wasn’t leaving me. ‘We promised that there would be no more secrets in our family... you have to understand, secrets are dangerous things especially in an una famiglia, like mine.’
I could feel a puzzled expression on my face and the swirl of anxiety as it forced its way into my bloodstream. I grabbed hold of the lapel of his suit jacket with both hands, knowing I was effectively hanging onto him for dear life. I wanted him and I wanted to be with him always.
Goodbye wasn’t an option.
Suddenly, I felt like the stronger of the two of us.
I knew we were surrounded by people and I knew the noise of people gambling was still to be heard somewhere in the space around us. But I could find none of it, all I could focus on was his eyes on mine and the bleak pain to be found within the depths of them.
Blinking slowly, he broke eye contact with me and dipped his head down to the side of mine, so his mouth was as close as he could get to my ear without him physically touching it.