The strappy leather sandals on her feet, to her expansive, tan legs. The short denim shorts and white, loose-flowing top she was wearing with the dragonfly pin I’d had made especially for her. The gold necklace around her neck. The coils of her blonde hair that were falling out of the messy up-do she had going on today, to rest over her shoulders. The colour of her eyes as the blues and greens within them appeared to dance around with her happiness and the slightly bee stung shape of her lips.
She was fucking stunning.
‘It’s funny, but earlier when we changed to walk up here, I put on a couple of things from the day we got married, thinking it was appropriate.’
‘So, now who’s the romantic?’ I grinned at her, watching her take every step towards my open hand.
‘I’m wearing my dragonfly pin.’
‘I saw.’ At last her hand touched mine and unable to wait any longer, I pulled her towards me and placed a quick kiss to her forehead, before I inhaled her light scent.
‘And this… Nonna gave it to me the day we married and, as we were coming to church, I thought it was appropriate.’
I let my eyes drift down to her and watched as her fingers lightly picked up the rose-gold chain around her neck. She found the cross and lifted it to her lips to kiss it and I was rapidly transported back in time.
I was once again the young man struggling to lift up my mamma’s body to loosen the noose from around her, attempting to calm the pain that my younger brother was releasing. I was back in another life and in another place, but it was the same. It was always the same, I came from scum and I was scum, no matter how hard I tried to claw my way out of the abyss.
Looking at the fine chain on her fingers, I could see the necklace all these years later entangled up with the coarse rope my mamma had chosen to end her life with.
Because of the life we led.
Because of another bastard who looked just like me.
Bile hit the back of my throat. I dropped her hand from my own and took one step away from her. I watched her face contort with surprise and then with the simple pain of rejection.
That simple chain around her neck reminding me of just why I would never have willingly taken a wife or would ever father children.
‘I told you, you can’t have anything nice to play with.’ I could hear my father laughing manically in my ears. ‘Pull the trigger… It doesn’t matter if you kill me, because I will live on in you.’ Inside my head I could see him sneer at me as my grip on the gun in my hand started to tighten, to the point I could see the tip of my trigger finger discolouring under the pressure. ‘It doesn’t matter how hard you fight against it… you’re the same as me and you know it, Nico.’
BANG.
I cleared my throat, as the sound of the bullet leaving the barrel reverberated around my head. Then standing taller I tried to shake away the hold he had over me.
The happiness I had only a few minutes before embraced was gone and I was left with nothing.
‘Nico, what’s wrong?’ I could feel her eyes burning into me, but like the coward I was I couldn’t return her gaze. Instead I looked to the doorway and lifted a hand to gesticulate to Franco that I needed him.
‘There’s a problem… I need to go, stay here and I’ll get Raul to come and get you.’
‘You do, I don’t understand… why?’
My shutters had already come down. I heard the almost audible clunk as the steel casing sealed around me like a metal coffin that even the desperation in her voice couldn’t penetrate.
She deserved more, so very much more.
But I didn’t have it to give.
I moved to the side of her, effectively ignoring everything she was silently begging of me. Then, just at the last minute, I turned quickly and took both of her hands in mine. Lifting them up to my lips I closed my eyes and kissed her clasped together fingers.
‘Ciao, mio angelo.’
Chapter Thirty-Two
Bee
The Villa was quiet and felt empty, even though I knew there were others inside the beautiful building.
The sun had set and although I normally found that to be one of the most beautiful parts of the day, I hadn’t been able to embrace it at all.
For probably the millionth time today, I was going over every part of the day, but once again I couldn’t fathom out what on earth had happened. All I knew was that by the time Raul had picked me up and we had driven back to the villa, Nico had packed and gone. Normally we went through a bit of routine when he was going back to the States, but even that hadn’t happened.
He was gone and try as I might to convince myself it was just like any other time when he flew back to Vegas, I knew it wasn’t. Something had happened between us at the church and just like that he had upped and left me there. I’d even tried phoning him since his departure and although his cell had rung in my ear initially, it had then cut off. I’d tried to convince myself that the call had been interrupted because he was flying, but I knew deep down in the depths of my pain-filled heart that he had been the one to terminate the call.
In my head I could see him, sitting on a plane catching up with business. He would be back in a suit with his hair styled to perfection and his square jawline would be set stoically. I was convinced that by now he would also be clean shaven, after having removed the scruff he normally wore for me. I also hated that, like most of the others that I’d cared about, he could so easily remove himself from my life without a second glance.
I moved my bare legs around in the pool, making the water swish around my skin in circles, while I stared out into the bay looking for any answer I could find to my current situation.
Once again, I’d been left, and the pain was indescribable.
I knew our marriage had been an arrangement. But it was so very much more now, and up until the moment he had left the church we had been married in; I had felt like we might just be able to go the long haul.
Absentmindedly, I picked up Nico’s mamma’s chain that I was still wearing and caressed the metal cross with my fingers.
‘Bee?’ I could hear the silent questions in Nonna’s voice as I heard her footsteps coming closer behind me.
Was I alright? No, I wasn’t.
Was there anything she could do? Only getting your grandson to come back would be of any help at all.
At first, I attempted to turn my head, to look over my shoulder and to try to placate her with a smile. But I knew it wasn’t in me and even if I managed it, I knew she would be able to see past it in a flash.
What was it with older people and their over the top sensory radars? Pearl was exactly the same.
‘Can I come and sit with you?’
I glanced to my left to find her standing beside me. Her kind, understanding face was encapsulated in a gentle smile.
I nodded my head at her and then focussed back onto the pool while she sat down.
The bluey green of the dragonflies’ wings hummed their way past my ears, and I inhaled deeply to stop the tears that threatened to fall down my cheeks.
Well isn’t that just absolutely typical?
I had gone from being totally alone to sharing my solitude with Nico’s grandmother and the dragonflies he and I had so often sat here watching. It was as if the world couldn’t and wouldn’t let me forget what we’d shared together. For a few minutes, we sat in silence with both of our eyes focussed in front of us.