Ollie pulled me away and searched my face. “Mia, you’re crying,” he said through an exhale, and kissed a tear below the corner of my eye before it had a chance to fall. “Bloody hell, you love me.” Relief set in his eyes.
“But, I don’t believe in love,” I whispered.
“Then believe in me.” Ollie grinned. “Believe in us.”
Unfortunately, the cold air got us back into our clothes, and we lay over the mattress, entangled in one another. I didn’t tell Ollie how I had remembered my past. I couldn’t find the strength to tell him the truth—what had happened to me and what I was capable of doing. The worst possible case was if he’d look at me differently. The same way my father had looked at me. But this would be worse. Much, much worse.
I traced over the tattoos on his arms as he described each one to me.
“And the scissors?” I asked, dancing my fingers across his forearm. The intricate details from the handle of the scissors to the sharp tip looked perfectly curated.
“That was a cover-up tattoo.”
“What did you cover up?” I tried to look past the newer ink to make out the older behind it, but the artist was brilliant. You couldn’t even tell.
“I had a crest to represent brotherhood,” Ollie said with a distant depth of pain in his voice. “I got it with my brother when I was fourteen. It was stupid.”
Noticing the reluctance across his face, I placed my hand in his and gave it a squeeze.
“When I was younger, I looked up to him as a baby brother should, you know? I was blind growing up, saw the good in everyone, but I was naïve. And as I got older, I only got more confused by the actions of others and why people did the things they did. I couldn’t get a grasp on why there was so much evil in the world. And one day, I woke up and saw my brother for who he truly was. So, I got the scissors as a reminder I’d cut him out of my life completely. He’s like a vampire, slowly sucking the life out of me, taking everything I have. I hung on to him for so long because, well, he’s my brother, and wish he would change. Maybe that I could be a good influence for him.”
Ollie only paused to control his breathing. He ran his fingers through my hair and behind my ear. “We were … we didn’t have a good upbringing. Not saying others didn’t have it worse, but every day I did whatever I could to make sure my mum and brother were taken care of. A huge burden for someone like me. I carried both of their weight for so long with nothing in return. But never once did I expect anything. And as I got older, instead of me carrying him on my shoulders, he only dragged me down with him. He took advantage of me.”
My heart broke for him. Each word fell from his mouth was like it was skimming over the surface of a pond that was frozen over, afraid if once the ice broke, he would drown. “You know you can tell me, Ollie. You never have to hide from me. I’ll never think differently of you. You know that, don’t you?” I kissed the palm of his hand.
Ollie drew in a deep breath and nodded.
“Then talk to me. It’s your turn to let me in.”
“It was bad, Mia,” he choked out. “For years I watched my mum give herself away. She was a prostitute and kept my brother and me locked in a closet while she fucked some real low-lifes. I covered my ears as my brother watched. He was fucking sick, still is. Got off on it. He’s ten years older than me, and after he left home, she poisoned me a couple of times. Twice I died, drowned in my own vomit, but then I guess she changed her mind and brought me back. She said she loved me and was sorry. I’m very different from my brother—we don’t have the same father, and she said I reminded her of the man she despised. She just didn’t know how to handle me.”
I exhaled a shaky breath. This man lying beside me had been rejected his whole life, and he still walked around with a smile on his face. I’d never noticed the pain of his past until now. It was never inside him—he never allowed it to dim his light. More than ever, I wished someone had created the perfect words I could say to comfort him because I couldn’t think of a single one that seemed fitting.
“It wasn’t until I found out he was the one who took over the prostitution ring my mum was a part of when I cut him off entirely. Then, as if things couldn’t get any worse, he beat my mum’s punter so bad for not paying, he’s now on life support and pinned the whole thing on me. He had a false alibi, and my history with EI didn’t help either. Now I’m here, and if I can’t make it here, I’ll go to prison. He faded out of the business and has been following me around ever since, making my life a living hell.”
Ollie never belonged here. “What’s EI?”
“Emotional Intensity. Basically, I feel too much, while you feel nothing.” Ollie dropped his head to see my reaction. “It’s as if this world is playing a cruel joke on us.” He laughed softly. “But I can’t help but know we belong together.” He moved his fingers up and down my arm. “And I refuse to take the medication. I don’t like the way I feel while I’m on it. It completely neutralizes me, makes me feel like I’m nothing.”
“They prescribed you medication?” Ollie didn’t need medication. How could feeling too much ever be considered a disorder?
“Yeah, they put me on it when I first got here over the summer. It was the worst. You would have certainly hated me, but something told me to stop accepting the meds, and I did. The transition was horrible. The dean had me in solitary confinement for weeks before classes started.”
“I wish I could feel things like you, Ollie. It’s a gift. There’s nothing wrong with you. I can’t imagine how you would be on medication. I guess you would be like how I was, and I don’t want that for you. Sometimes I believe you’re so good, not even this world deserves you—I don’t deserve you.”
“Are you kidding? I’ve been waiting all my life for you,” He smiled. “With you, I have to fucking pinch myself constantly because there’s no way I’m this lucky. When I first saw you in the mess hall, I kept staring, waiting for you to disappear.” He laughed lightly. “You are real, yeah? You aren’t some figment of my imagination. You’re a real girl who feels for me?” He closed one eye, and he couldn’t force his beautifully stupid smile away.
I shoved him in the shoulder. “It’s terrifying, though. I’m so afraid that, at any moment, my mental switch will flip again and there won’t be anything I can do about it.”
He picked up my hand from between us and brought it back to his face. “Embrace it, Mia. Every moment, no matter how long it lasts, it’s all worth it, yeah?”
I nodded.
“Let me do all the worrying. You only focus on living in the moments we do have. If you ever get lost, I’ll always find you.”