“I am, and it’s going to be different now.”
He dipped his head back to see my face. “What do you mean?”
“I didn’t say anything before because I wasn’t sure myself, but Ollie, I remember everything that happened to me. But most importantly, I can feel, and it’s going to stay. I’m staying. All you asked was for me to believe in us, and I do. That belief turned into something beautiful, and now I understand.” My voice broke as my eyes watered. “I’m staying because with you I have a home, Ollie … it’s in here.” I rested my palm against his chest.
A single tear fell from his eye before he wiped his face on the sleeve of his shirt. “Emotional intensity …” he reminded me through a mutter as if crying in front of me would make me look at him differently.
I reached for his face and fixed his glossy eyes in front of me. “You should never be ashamed, Ollie, never in front of me. Your heart is beautiful. You’re beautiful.” He nodded as another tear fell and I stood on my toes to press my mouth against his salty lips.
His kiss in return was more firm and urgent, and his lashes were wet against mine as he pulled me away from the door and over the mattress on the floor.
We lay over his bed as he stroked my hair. “No one can know about us, Mia.”
“Why? Does this have to do with the whole Dolor’s anti-relationship clause?” Ollie didn’t laugh when I expected him to, which alerted me to sit up. My eyes searched his. “What happened?”
Ollie sat up with me and leaned his back against the wall, us side by side. “A lot of people here aren’t like Jake, you, or myself. When they see people happy in a relationship, it fuels them to do whatever they can to destroy it. They want to bring everyone down to their level. Basically, if they can’t have it, no one can.”
“I’m still not following the severity of this …”
“There’s a history, but I’ll tell you about the most recent: Thomas and Livy. Their relationship started at the beginning of school a year ago, much like we did. They were quickly in a close, committed relationship, despite the damn curse that came along with being in relationships here. They thought it was all nonsense. Until students fucked with them, spreading rumors, starting drama, doing little things to break them up. When that didn’t work, the people here brought it to the next level. It got so bad, Livy, who was Alicia’s best friend, was gang raped in her dorm—”
My hand moved over my mouth. “Oh, my god.”
“It gets worse. She ended up getting pregnant. Thomas went ballistic. He already had anger issues to begin with, but between the rape and the pregnancy, it sent him over the edge. He killed one of the guys who raped her and was sent away after. I believe he’s now in prison.”
“But what about Livy?”
“After Tommy’s dismissal, she couldn’t go on anymore. They found her in her room over the summer—” he paused and drew in an unsteady breath. “She killed herself, Mia.”
“No …”
“Yes … two lives destroyed because of a relationship. It’s sick.” Ollie grabbed my hand from my thigh and brought it into his lap. “The moment you walked through the mess hall, I knew I was fucking doomed. And, Christ, when we first kissed …” he shook his head. “I can’t go back to a time before you, Mia. We can never not be together.”
Grabbing his hand from his lap, I dropped my head over his shoulder. “We can’t. We won’t.”
Ollie released a breath and kissed the top of my head. “So, we have two options. We can either say ‘to hell with everyone’ and it will always be us against them until we leave this place, or we can keep us hidden—no one knowing. Both will be equally hard for me, and I wish things were different. But they’re not. I’m okay with whatever you choose. All that matters is you and I, alright?”
First, our disorders tried keeping us apart, and now it would be Dolor. I was sure of Ollie. I was sure what we had was strong, but sometimes the easiest decision isn’t always the right one. “We have to stay undercover.” The risk wasn’t worth it.
Ollie exhaled. “Come here,” he said, picking me up and planting me over his lap. “Then we can’t tell anyone about us …” he sighed.
“I know.”
“I can’t show you affection when I want to …”
“I know.”
“I’m going to fuck this up because I can’t help myself …”
“Yeah, I know.”
Ollie grinned.
Dinner was cumbersome with Ollie being so far away after spending weeks without him. He said he doesn’t fuck, but the way his eyes were on me, told me differently. He sent me a wink, and my head did the stupid shake like always when I didn’t know what else to do.
He mouthed words even a porn director would not approve of, and my mouth dropped open. Ollie laughed silently, and I rolled my eyes with a stupefied smile.
“Eat,” I mouthed back, and he took the entire spoon into his mouth before licking it clean. My head fell in my hands, and I had to turn away. “Zeke, remind me to kick his ass later,” I said as Zeke watched us with amusement.
Minutes passed, and Ollie slid in the chair beside me. He pressed his forehead to the side of my head and mine leaned into it like a reflex. “How do we say goodbye if I can’t kiss you?” His breath in my ear, the graze of his nose, and the closeness of his body all violated rules from our conversation earlier.
“Easy. We don’t say goodbye.”
Ollie pulled away and the frown lines between his eyes deepened. “I can’t leave a room without thanking you for your presence, Mia.”
I grinned from ear to ear. “Well I have a hard time watching you walk away from me, so I suppose that makes us even.”
“I don’t want even. I want a solution,” He growled and turned his whole body to face me. His eyes looked past me out the window as he licked his lips, in deep thought. The beanie had disappeared since I came back, and I wondered if it symbolized his mood. Every time he’d worn the beanie, it was only while he was upset, as if it hid him from the world or blanketed his worries.
“Alright, I have an idea.” His eyes met mine and a smile emerged from his gleaming lips. “You know how I always ask you to close your eyes?” I nodded. “When one of us has to part from the other, I’ll tell you to close your eyes. We imagine we’re kissing—and in your mind, I’m a fucking fantastic kisser, by the way—but we don’t say goodbye, and you count to ten before you open your eyes again so you won’t have to watch me walk away.”