He shakes his head and wraps an arm around me, pulling me close. “We’re siblings. Always. You’ll always be my big sister, but that doesn’t mean that you can control our outcomes. Or that you can save us from pain.”
“That’s all you and Viv were causing each other.”
“Right before she left, yeah. But it was our pain to experience. Can’t be afraid of a little agony.”
My eyebrow lifts. “Shouldn’t you be terrified of that? Avoid pain at all costs. I mean, we’ve had so much of it already.”
“Pain is inevitable. And I’ve felt plenty of it, but nothing like the day I hugged Baz goodbye and watched him leave.”
“I’m so sorry.” It’s a strangled whisper. And I am. “For the record, I still hope you’ll move here someday. Soon.”
He laughs like that’s ridiculous. “So you can continue to manage every situation? No thanks.”
“You make me sound like a monster.”
“You’re a control freak, Lola, but it’s not malicious. You just care way too damn much.”
“I don’t want to see you in pain. I should have been there after . . .” I still can’t say his name, and I fight the cry that bubbles up in my throat. I want to scream. I should be able to say his name. “I should have been there. I knew Mom wasn’t dealing. I knew you were having to step up, and I wasn’t there.”
“You were as much as you could be. That’s not on you.”
“I’m the oldest.”
He laughs and hugs me tighter. “You think being the oldest makes you immune?”
I shake my head slowly, trying not to let all my feelings crush me. “I was supposed to protect you, and I didn’t. I don’t know what that time with Mom was like.”
He tenses. “It wasn’t your battle. You were dealing with your own shit, Lola. I don’t blame you. You deserve to be happy even if that means going through some pain to get to it.”
I think about Hayden and how upset he looked. How desperate he was for me to come inside and talk to him, but I refused.
“I’m stubborn.”
He laughs. “You’re a Sterling.”
I pull away and turn to look at my little brother, only seeing a sickening ache in his eyes and demeanor. “I have to go.”
“Okay. You okay though?” He looks suspicious, and after earlier, I can’t blame him.
“Yeah. I just . . .” I sigh. “I think you’re right. Maybe I try to shield the people I love and myself a little too much. And I don’t want to miss out on something that’s possibly great.”
“Well, I have no fucking clue what you’re talking about, but you’re one of the smartest people I know. So go ahead.”
I ruffle his hair and kiss the top of his head before dashing to my car. My heels are filled with sand and uncomfortable, so I kick them off once I’m in the car. I drive barefoot back to Hayden.
When I get there, I leave my heels in the car and run to his front door, ringing the doorbell and not caring how late it is.
He doesn’t answer, and my chest squeezes tightly in my chest.
Please be here.
I knock on the door and then ring the doorbell again. Desperate to talk to him. Hoping I didn’t screw it all up.
I’m still angry, but I don’t want to take the easy way out and bail without talking to him.
“Please answer.”
“Lola?”
I turn to my right at the sound of Hayden’s voice. He’s outside. He has a shirt on now along with his sweats, and my heart hurts enough to make me cringe when I see his swollen eye.
“What are you doing here?”
I leave his porch and walk to meet him as he comes from the backyard. “I wanted to hear your side.”
He looks stunned, rubbing the sexy stubble of his jaw with his hand as he studies me closely.
He probably thinks I'm completely insane.
Lola is here. Standing in front of me. It feels like a dream, like maybe I'm just overworked and tired. After earlier, I never thought I’d see her again.
“I didn’t think you’d come back.”
She looks sullen and tired, her pretty face full of so many expressions. “I probably shouldn’t have. Penelope . . .” She bites her bottom lip nervously. “She’s my best friend, and you lied.”
“I know.” I feel like shit as I look down at the manicured grass of my front lawn, standing bare foot, and I notice she is too.
“But . . .” My eyes lift to hers. “We’re adults, and I want to hear your side of the story. I feel like I owe whatever we’ve had together . . . I owe us that.”
Us. The word makes my heart clench tightly in my chest. I take another step closer to her but try not to overwhelm her. “Ask me anything.”
“Were you looking for her?”
“No.” It’s the truth. I’ll only tell her the truth from now on, if she’ll let me.
She’s calmer than earlier, but not by a lot. I still see her anger under the surface and know I deserve her wrath. “Then how did you find her? You can’t tell me that hiring us was a total fluke.”
I take another step closer to her. “I have no one, literally no one. I’ve always been a loner. But around six months ago, I got drunk and started thinking about that. That I had no one.” She’s listening, but I don’t see pity in her eyes. “I hired a private investigator to find my mom.”
“She died.”
I nod. “So Penelope knew that?”
She nods her head. “She did.”
“I’m not sure why I wanted him to find her in the first place. I hated her. I still do, even if she’s dead and buried. But then, he found out she had a daughter after me.”
“How did you not know about her?”
“I’m older than her. I was out of the house when I was six years old. I never knew she existed, and I’m sure she had no clue about me. My mom . . . fuck. Let’s just say she wasn’t sentimental, not even about her own kid.”
She looks sad, but her guards are still up. She takes a step in my direction. “So why not just contact her like a normal fucking person, Hayden? Why the scheming? Why the lies?”
She’s back to fired up. “My mother was a shitty human being. So was my father. I don’t trust anyone with the same blood as my parents running through their veins.”
“Do you have the same father?”
“I don’t know. I doubt it. My father left before I did, but I don’t know if he came back or even if he was my actual father.” Dear ole Mom really got around.
“Still. If you wanted to know her, why go through all the effort of hiring us?”
I don’t blame her for being suspicious. I know I would be. “I wanted to get to know her. See if she was a fucking shitty human being too. Or if she was decent. Because if she was anything like my mom, I’d have run far, far away.”
“You could have done the same thing just meeting her, telling her who you were. It doesn’t make sense.”
“It does.” I’m now mere inches from her, trying to ignore the fact that I can smell my cologne on her from earlier today.