No reaction at all. He continued to stare at me like he hadn’t heard what I said. He still didn’t blink.
I took a breath and waited for a reaction.
Still nothing.
“I just think we’ve had our fun and—”
“Sweetheart, be real with me.”
Now I was still because I was surprised by what he said.
“You’re ending this with me because you actually like me.”
“No. I just—”
“Don’t lie to me.” He kept his voice low and never raised it. But he could somehow be loud while being quiet.
I shut my mouth.
“You’re cutting ties before these feelings grow. Because you’re scared—fucking scared.”
I took a deep breath but didn’t speak. It was the first time I had nothing to say.
“I thought you weren’t scared of anything.” He lifted his glass and took a drink.
I didn’t like being on display, being observed through a lens inside a microscope. I didn’t like that he didn’t let me get away with things other men didn’t even notice. He called me out on my shit, put me in my place, and I hated it…but respected him for it. “I guess I’m scared of one thing…” I inhaled a deep breath, feeling the old pain blossom once again.
His hostility dipped slightly. “What happened, sweetheart? What did this man do to you?”
I shook my head.
“I’ve got a past too. Show me yours, and I’ll show you mine.”
I pulled my wine closer and took a drink. “It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t change my decision—”
“Answer me.”
“I was married,” I blurted. “Happily married. And he had an affair with his assistant right under my nose, and I didn’t even notice…because I trusted him blindly. He left me for her…” I looked into my glass and stared at the wine so I wouldn’t have to look at him.
He was quiet.
“It’s been a year. Maybe it’s been long enough for me to move on, but I’m genuinely not interested in having another relationship. They never work. They never last. People you trust will backstab you at some point. I just don’t want to do it anymore.” I took a drink, my head still down.
“That’s not true. Your friends would never backstab you.”
“That’s different.”
“It’s not. You love them and they love you. It’s love, sweetheart. That can be applied to a man too. You’ve just got to find the right one.”
“I thought my husband was the right one.”
“Well, we all make that mistake.”
I lifted my gaze and looked at him, inhaling a deep breath. “You?”
“Pretty much the same story… with just a few differences.”
“Really?” I asked in surprise. “You’re perfect.”
He didn’t smile or seem touched by the raw comment. “I think the same thing when I look at you. So, maybe we aren’t the problem. Maybe these two people were the problem—and we need to let it go.”
“When did this happen?”
“About a year ago.”
“Why are you in such a better place than I am?” It’d been the same amount of time, but he was confident and strong.
“I’m not in a better place.”
“It seems like you are…”
He stared down into his glass before he shook his head and took a drink. He licked his lips to catch the drop he missed. “Because I understand that it wasn’t my fault. That there’s nothing wrong with me. She’s just not a good person…and I didn’t see it at the time. Not because I’m stupid, but because I don’t spend my time looking for the bad in people. I’d rather see the good.” He grabbed his glass and took another drink.
I inhaled another deep breath, feeling even more connected to him before. He really was incredible, not just because of his looks, but because of everything underneath that hard chest. This had never happened before, that I’d found a guy I actually liked…and I didn’t like that. “I’m just not in that place yet. I’m not ready to even try. I’d like to just be friends…and if you don’t want that, I understand.” I knew I’d found buried treasure, and I was choosing to cover it up with dirt again. I knew I’d found a stunning diamond, but I was choosing to throw it into the ocean. I looked like a crazy person.
He stared into his glass for a while, his fingers gently spinning it on the surface. He had such sharp features and dark eyes that were impossible to read. He held that position for a long time, processing what I’d said. “Alright.” He lifted his gaze and looked at me. “Friends it is.”
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Charlie was on my ass the second I walked in the door. “Are you crazy?”
Matt was on the couch. “He’s, like, the hottest guy in the world.”
“And he’s a good guy,” Charlie snapped. “Why would you call it off?”
“Stop.” I held up my palm, silencing him. “Don’t you think it would be worse to see him and waste his time? To try a relationship when my heart isn’t totally in it? Yes, I like him, and that’s why I’m not going to do that to him. I know what it’s like to think you and another person are on the same page, and then to find out you’re completely wrong.”
Charlie didn’t have a response to that because I was right.
“And I can’t rush it. I’m not there, alright?”
“I think you could be there if you actually tried,” Charlie said. “You like being devoid of all emotion because it’s easier that way. It’s not because you aren’t ready. It’s because this is safer.”
“Shut up, Charlie,” I snapped. “You have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“You’re my best friend. I know exactly what I’m talking about. I know you better than you realize because I observe you objectively.”
“Look, it’s done,” I countered. “I already broke it off, and he accepted that.”
Charlie moved his hands to his hips, looking at me furiously. “So, what now? You’re just gonna hang out as friends?”
“Yes.”
“And you think that won’t be awkward?” he asked incredulously.
“Not to me. He seemed fine with it.”
He rolled his eyes then headed to the couch. “I think you just lost a really great guy, Carson. But whatever. Do whatever you want.” He plopped down and grabbed his beer, giving me the cold shoulder.
“Why is this so important to you?” I countered. “I don’t need a man to be happy—”
“It’s not about having a man.” He turned to me. “It’s about moving on. It’s about accepting something good in your life.”
“You don’t even know him. He could be a—”
“I read people pretty well, and I think he’s the best guy you’ve ever met. And you just fucking blew it.”
Fourteen
Carson