But my eyes remained on Carson’s face, my heart suddenly aching in a way it never had before. This dinner was so casual, and I hadn’t even known the three of them for long, but it felt like they’d always been in my life. It was crazy to me that I met this woman in a bar, by chance, and now she was so important to me.
I couldn’t think clearly anymore. Rational thought was gone. I spoke my mind and didn’t think twice about it. “Take me back.”
She immediately stilled at my words, the excitement fading from her eyes.
Charlie flinched at what I’d said before his eyes darted to Carson’s face to see her reaction.
Matt glanced back and forth between us.
I didn’t care that they were there. I didn’t care about anything anymore. I’d spent the night with two women who somehow made me feel alone…and there were three of us. I lived for the chance to see Carson, fell harder for her after every intimate conversation we had. I didn’t want to go back to a strip club. I didn’t want another one-night stand. There was only one woman I wanted to be with.
“I will never lie to you again, Carson. I promise.”
She breathed hard as her eyes filled with emotional gentleness.
“I…I don’t want to be friends. I want you, all of you, because we’re great together.”
Charlie and Matt were both boxed into the booth and they couldn’t slip away, so they had to sit there and try to act like they didn’t exist.
“Please,” I whispered. “I don’t want to be with anyone else.”
She held her silence, her eyes slowly dropping.
“Sweetheart, come on…”
She kept her eyes down, holding her silence for minutes.
The tension was killing me. What the hell was she thinking? Did she really put this dinner together because she wanted to be friends?
“I’m sorry…” That was her only statement, no further explanation.
It was like being stabbed right in the fucking throat. I couldn’t breathe.
Charlie gave her a subtle nudge in the side.
But she didn’t change her answer. “I just want to be friends.”
It was a million times more painful than the first time we broke up. My feelings for her had only become stronger, had evolved into something much deeper. It was torture to be around her and not touch her, not kiss her, not hold her. We hadn’t really had a chance to be together, and it was a fucking travesty that we never would. “Well…I can’t be friends with you.” It hurt me to say it, to lose her altogether, but there was no other option.
Her eyes filled with pain, like I’d really hurt her.
“I just…can’t.” I sank back into the booth, breathing hard because this was worse than my divorce. It was the most emotional day of my life since my father passed away. “Every time I’m around you, I just fall for you harder. I can’t be with other women because it makes me miserable that I’m not with you.” It took all my strength to rise out of that booth and prepare to walk away forever, to never see her face again, hear her voice. But I had to do what was best for me because my heart couldn’t take any more of her punches. I started to walk away, my eyes down so I wouldn’t have to look at her again. “Thank you for the cake…”
Ten
Carson
It took me a second to process what happened, the drastic turn the evening took. We’d swerved off the road, and it all happened so quickly that I couldn’t believe we were pinned against a tree off the side of the road.
It was so traumatic my brain froze.
The waitress came over and placed four slices of cake in front of us.
But we were all quiet.
Charlie stared at me, his expression saying everything his mouth didn’t.
Matt was normally talkative, but he was speechless too, like he didn’t have a single thing to say. There was cake in front of him, but he ignored it, which was saying something for Matt.
Charlie sighed. “What the fuck are you doing?”
“Let’s not do this—”
“We have to do this. Because you’re being a goddamn idiot right now.”
“I’m not ready—”
“Then tell him you need more time. But don’t lose him altogether. He’ll wait for you.”
“I’m such a mess right now. I don’t want to ask him to wait for something that may not even happen, you know?”
He dragged his hand down his face. “You really don’t trust the guy?”
“It’s not that—”
“So, you do trust him?”
“I didn’t say that either. I just think neither one of us is ready—”
“It doesn’t seem like he cares about that, Carson.” Charlie stared me down. “He wants to try to make this work, in any way that he can. You’ve been spending time together as friends for a month now, and you’ve gotten to know him even better. I think there are no secrets at this point.”
I knew he was going to scream at me until he got his way. “Look, I really like him. And I just…I’m scared.”
“Well, you need to grow a pair and get over it,” he snapped. “Because if you stay scared, you’re going to lose this guy. No, you already lost him. He’s gone now.”
Hearing Dax say he didn’t want to be friends at all hurt more than his lie. Knowing we would never run into each other at basketball or the bar or wherever…was devastating. Now, he really was gone. Permanently.
“Get your shit together, Carson. He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to you.”
Matt grabbed his fork and started to pick at his cake. He didn’t participate in the conversation.
“I’ve only been divorced for a year—”
“That’s plenty of time. If you continue to live in the past, you’ll never be happy. And the best revenge is being happy. So, live well—and you can’t live well alone. You need to pull your head out of your ass, Carson. If you don’t, I’ll do it for you.”
The days passed with strange stillness despite how busy I was. I was all over the place, working on my articles, staying late at the office, getting to bed at some ungodly hour, just to wake up at sunrise the next morning.
But most of my thoughts were filled with Dax.
I remembered the pain on his face, the sincerity in his eyes, the intensity of the moment as he threw his heart on the table and let it pulse right on the surface. My response was cold, but his declaration had been so unexpected there had been no time to react, to prepare.
I felt like shit.
I didn’t know what to do.
I still had to finish his article and had more questions, so I called his office and made an appointment. He said he didn’t want to be friends, so I had no idea how our next meeting would go.
Within fifteen minutes of making the appointment, I got an email.
From: Dax Frawley
Carson,
If you have any remaining questions pertaining to your article, you can send them here.
Dax Frawley
CEO, Clydesdale Software
It was like a punch to the gut, the way he cut me out of his life like a surgeon removing an organ. It was sterile and clean. It hurt…a lot. I didn’t respond back because I would only type my questions and say nothing else.